time heals all wounds?

many people out there tell me, 'time heals all wounds'. especially those wounds that are deep inside us. maybe so, maybe not. to me, time perhaps, doesn't heal wounds. they make us forget about everything. as time passes by, if one person chooses to ignore and hide, those issues would only be piled up, at the back of the head, temporarily be surpressed. but if something triggers off certain things, all will bounce back into the face again..

as time passes by, everything starts to fade away.. even if you love someone so deeply before, yet as time passes by, that love will fade.. its a startling fact.. sigh

for the past, 3 days, its been rather.. painful.. as hard as i try, to not think about certain things, trying hard not to miss her, not to hate myself, its just so difficult..

fever..
well, i didn't have a fever.. she did.. and it rose to 40+ degree celcius.. only got to know it through the emails.. i don't know. felt so darn worried and scared, that her body would collapse or something.. its that kind of worry, i felt for her, when she was still with me.. that kind of worry, i won't have, for a normal normal friend.. i had urges to call her up, and ask her how is she.. yet, i'm afraid that i would be disturbing her work and stuff.. haven't heard her voice, for a very long while.. i don't know.. why am i still like that?

i'm hate myself.. for doing things i did.. i was asking myself, if things haven't turned out this way, i would really wanted to just fly over, and take care of her.. make her some porridge like what she did for me.. change her head towel to cool her down, giving her medication and stuff.. pretty naive thoughts i have, but those were what i could have done.. if i hadn't.. i can't forgive myself..

tuition: carl
carl called for tuition again.. i was rather shocked to hear from her.. remembered that time, i refused to tutor her, because i wanted to spend more time with jess while she was still in singapore.. now, sigh..

went to her place this morning.. as i was queuing, waiting for the bus, i just suddenly turned and looked at the pillar just behind the line.. memories started filling my head again.. remembering once we hugged beside the pillar, just being really nice, and saying 'i love you'.. then there was this old lady who walked pass and said "shameful....!".. we laughed our heads off.. now, i stand in the queue, just thinking about the 'would have beens'..

as was boarding the bus, the images of her just keep flashing in my head.. i still, love her..
when i got to carl's place, i felt really drained.. but, tried to put on a smile to teach.. started with a little prayer, praying that God would give me the wisdom and strength to tutor her with my best ability.. things started off well, teaching simple maths.. but, suddenly came this question "you still together with her?" i said no..

goodness sake, she kinda smirked at me.. it seemed to me like, she was expecting it, or like, 'you deserve it' kinda face.. i don't want to speak ill of anyone.. maybe it was my wrong perception and i was really drained.. i just felt.. really down.. throughout, i was wondering.. if i was really worthy of her.. perhaps, i'm not.. i never was..? i'm just not good enough..

tuition: jasmine
went to jasmine's for tuition.. on the way there, i kept praying on the bus.. that if He would, tell me what i should do.. i'm trying to tell myself, to give up.. to just, be normal.. but, the fact is.. the feelings are still there..

even when i went to jasmine's place, i thought i could put all these thoughts away for the moment.. just, concentrate.. then half way through science, jasmine asked, "vincent kor kor, when is your girlfriend coming back? i want to see her.." i was like, goodness.. she sounded so soft, so innocent.. it really felt difficult not to start tearing.. but, managed to hold it back.. could only tell her, i don't know.. it was so heart breaking.. so so.. sad..

supper with ling and ber
went for supper with them on friday night.. ling drove us to balestier's teochew porridge.. had quite a lot of stuff... even tried the pigs intestines.. were talking, wonder why, was like saying that i'm not that attractive and stuff.. won't be having pretty girls as my gfs.. then they were like, "jess is HOT" "jess is sweet".. it was like.. ouch.. really ouch.. began to hate myself.. again..

lunch with jenje
went out to lunch with jenje.. asked me out cause she wanted to treat me for buying her the comics.. had pasta mania.. she had creamy chicken pasta and me, cesar salad(one of the cheaper 1s i could find).. she dressed up really different from other normal girls.. and siokhoon said she was pretty.. nice features.. she tells me that she misses jess, how she used to sing in the toilet, how she used to ask for hugs and scold them for not doing their hws..

found out that she's not having proper bible study lessons.. so decided to help her out with her bible studies, and she seemed really excited about it. now she calls me 'big brother' in her sms's.. i know, that i should help her in everyway possible.. knowing the problems that she might face in the future, i try and help.. yet, at the same time, seeing her.. sigh.. why can't i be like her? just, let go and move on? why must i still pray day and night, trusting in Him that a miracle would happen? i'm not doubting God.. but, it takes 2 hands to clap.. i'm only one hand myself.. why do i still hope? why? how much can one dimunitive person like me do? why can't i just move on? darn me..

blatant claps
went for the SIM productions.. 'blatant claps' with the gang.. belinda wasn't there.. tian and boon kiong were there too.. the 3 plays were rather thought intriguing.. hard to understand.. especially the 1st one.. about, job retrenchment.. too, abstract..

half way through, it just striked a chord in me, that she loves drama and stage play too.. started imagining things.. and, started.. to think of the 'what ifs' again.. hated myself again.. prayed for almost 10mins half way throught the 1st play..

siewling was the receptionist for the play.. she looked really sweet in her white pink striped top.. gave her the flowers i promised.. hope she had fun celebrating..

dreams
for the past 3days, i tried very hard not to think about stuff as much as i could.. just concentrated on the work on hand.. i managed to handle that quite well, apart from certain times where i just drifted into wanderless thoughts again.. yet in the night as i slept, for the 3 nights, every night, without fail, i dreamt of her.. it was the same 3 nights, that she fell ill.. i don't know what this could mean.. logically speaking, coincidental.. yes, i think so too.. but, just why.. do i have to start worrying so much, about her, when she doesn't wish to be back together? why can't i just accept that simple fact?

am i really so deeply in love with her? i guess so.. its not an obsession.. its not possesive.. 1corinthians: love is patient, love it kind.. if i could, i would really wanted to try again.. i always thought of marrying her.. but, no.. i was wrong.. i'm hating myself again.. for saying silly things.. its all coming back once again.. trying so hard to give up, yet, reality slaps me back in my face once again.. i just can't let go.. WHY!?! why so i just have to love her so whole-heartedly??

guess, i've always been yucky as a person.. i thought i found my angel and i really wanted her to stay badly.. but, being an angel, she wouldn't have any problems looking for someone better.. perhaps, that's why.. sigh.. that's why i can't let go, but, she can.. is it?

encouragement to give generously/the cheerful giver
2corinthians8:15
As it is written, "Whoever gathered much had nothing leftover, who ever gathered little had no lack."
2corinthains9:6-7
The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.
Each one must give as he has made up his mind, not relunctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

how much am i going to give into this?