Gorge-ous me

It’s been a really sinful Saturday. Been a long time since I had so much to eat in one day. Eeks! The tyres are pumping up.

Breakfast
After sleeping for 3 and a half hours on Saturday morning (well, that apparently is peanuts compared to Hoon.. right?), met up with Neo at Bugis for Macs breakfast. Had the Hotcakes with sausage meal. Mmm-mmm. Been quite a while since I had that.

Markus picked us up, and went to the airport to send the Bruneians off. Trainees came to. Mahathir, Waisan, Firdaus, Douglas, and many more I can’t remember now. Shah and his gf Mega was there. Ivan too. The Bruneians seemed sad to leave. Took photos, and chatted a while. Oh, and they gave us chocolates too. Belgium chocolates. Haha.

Met up with Jolene and the 4 of us (Mark, Neo, Jo and me) went off to Cineleisure for lunch.

Lunch
Lunch was a killer. Really really deadly. We had sushi buffet. It was, WOW. $24.80 buffet. And we had tonnes of food. Soft-shell crabs, sushi, sashimis, ice-cream puffs, and much much more. The drinks were free flow too. Alan, Raymond. Liuyun and his gf were there too. Sat on separate tables. Heng-zai came in late.

We were so full after 2 hours of munching and slurping, but all thanks to yours truly, we started playing “zong ji mi ma”. Whoever guesses the right number would have to forfeit and eat whatever is placed on the plate. 1st one to get it was mark. Then me. Then Neo. Then mark and neo again. Jolene didn’t get to eat anything. Lucky. The last one was eaten by neo. It was the omelet sushi, topped off with wasabi, the size of a 5cent coin.

He started tearing after eating it. Haha.

Went bowling at Katong after lunch. Kept falling asleep in Mark’s car cause I was so tired. Wonder if I snored on the car. Hope not. Haven’t bowled since the JC days. The ball just kept rolling down the drain. Irritating. But there were a couple of strikes and spares too. *grins*

Dinner
Went back Bugis after that. Mark had to pick up his gf. So all of us alighted there. Went to coffee beans and had an ice-blended caramel milk coffee. It was fantastic, but expensive though.

Took a bus back. Managed to keep myself awake by reading the new book I got 2 weeks back. Called “Honeymoon”. Really nice thriller. Tonnes of twists and turns. Adventure, mystery, humour, sex, and a deep plot. Fantastic.

Came home, and got to know that mum would be cooking curry, and I went like, “oh no.”

Told mum not to cook my share of rice. Sighs. But the curry was too tempting to resist. Had a bowl. And resisted a second one there after.

Tuition
Going to tuition soon. Bryan then Jasmine. Tomorrow night would be Carol’s turn. Taught Eric last night. And gonna coach him again tmr night too. Hmm. Wonder if giving tuition actually helps. Was thinking that, the purpose of a tuition teacher, is just there to clarify and doubts, rather than to teach the actual topic itself. We’re what I call, supplements, rather than staple.

And many a times, I feel that many kids out there don’t actually NEED supplements. Their staple are sufficient. All they have to do is to have some initiative and do their own exercises and studies. That would suffice. They don’t need us to be there, to sit down by their side and actually look at them finish their homework or assignments.

But perhaps with so many distractions in our lives, TVs, internet, phones, etc back at home, it’s quite tough to have that kind of self-discipline. Maybe that’s what tutors are for. To be there answer their questions, and on behalf of their parents, make sure that they are doing their work.

Gonna miss church again. Sighs. Feeling bad. Real bad. Forgive me.

it's so early!

Gee! It’s almost 3am. Just came back from supper with Khairul, Ah Chwee and Shawn. Was surprised that they called and asked me out for supper. Really happy that they finally passed the course. Chwee got posted to SABmc, Ah Chwee stayed back for the ***, and Khairul’s gonna continue playing soccer for SAF fc. Went to Chom chom for supper. Had stingrays, cuttlefish, satay, and SUGAR CANE JUICE! Fwah… SINFUL! Sighs. The tyre’s gonna get bigger again! And Singapore’s too hot – I don’t need a spare tyre to keep me warm. Hee!

Went to Lower Pierce after supper. 4 guys. Lower Pierce. It doesn’t really bold well, but ya. Sat along the coastline of the reservoir. Didn’t manage to see any car shakes this time round. DANG!. Just sat around, and chatted for around an hour. About army, about stuff, about girls, about soccer. Haha. Guess that’s what a guy’s life is about – food, girls, soccer, crap. Haha. Boo-boo. Getting rather irritated when they kept calling sergeant, sergeant. Was like, “for Pete’s sake! Stop calling me that!” haha. Guess, they’re just too used to it.

Met up with Zhiyong for Bible studies before that. Really interesting session. Just so glad that I’ve got a cousin who’s relatively knowledgeable with the Bible. Hope that he enjoys his theology course, which is gonna start in a couple of months time. Would be seeing him in Nee Soon for reservist. Haha. Never imagined him in the uniform before. Wonder how it would be like.

Met up with Wee Kiat for WTC meeting after that. Weiyi, Yiting and Derek dropped by after that. Came up with the basic infrastructure of the committee. Well, our idea is to get my batch of rovers to get involved as much as possible, people like Hoon, Ber, Ling. But didn’t put them in the committee so as not to burden them. Just want them to enjoy the camp as rover. BUT! Dear bud, I’ve got a huge favour to ask of you. Haha. would you mind taking up the role of the Head-of-training? Yups! Let me know asap alright? Really need your help. Couldn’t think of a better person than you. Let you know the details soon. =) as for the rest of the committee, it’s basically formed up by the new rovers. Will be calling them up soon to ask if they are interested.

BUT! Bud, you can’t say no, can you? Haha. *grins*

Trained Medics
Finally they have passed out. Was the emcee for the ceremony. Was happy to see that everyone was smiling from ear to ear as the donned the arm bands for their buddies. Was rather proud of everyone as I read this from the script:

“they came in as men, now they leave, as trained medics.”

Was proud of the trainees for constantly putting in the effort to learn throughout all the time, and finally earned the armband. And also at the same time, proud of fellow colleagues for enduring throughout these ten weeks - trying their very best to tackle all the training issues and office politics. Finally this batch is over. Now we await the next one to arrive.

Munich
Hoon messaged not long ago, asked if we are watching Munich together. I WANT TO WATCH!!! But can we change the dates? I really can’t make it next weekend. I’m on Ophir. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease??

Hair
Dang. I don’t know why, but I’m gonna ask this. How many people actually think that it’s a good idea to go for permanent facial hair removal? Getting tired of shaving every 2 days. It’s, irritating. Going through the ritual of spreading the shaving foam over the face, running water into the basin, taking heed with every shave so as not to leave any micro-scopic scars, and trying REALLY hard not to shave off my mole. Haha. But I wonder if girls like men with or without facial hair? Does it make the guy look more MANLY? Hehe. Think not. It looks disgusting. But, hmmmmmmmmmm……………….. =)

Bachelor
Well, it’s good to be a bachelor right bud? Hahahaha. Was saying that we both are gonna be a ‘bachelor’ for a freakin’ long time. But guess what bro, my gut feeling (and I’ve got a VERY BIG gut now) tells me that you’ll lost this title soon. REALLY soon. I don’t know why. Maybe you don’t know too. It’s just a gut feeling. We shall see huh? Haha. *cheers*

Saturday
Meeting Neo for breakfast in another, 6hour’s time at Bugis. Sending the Bruneians off at the airport after that. Then we’ll be meeting the rest at Cine for sushi buffet! Sighs. Now my gut is just gonna get BIGGER and BIGGER. Dang!

Home finally...!

Finally! I’m home! Haven’t been home since Sunday afternoon. Just had dinner – Mum’s fried rice. Yum! Just realised that I haven’t had home-cooked food, since… oh gosh, Chinese new year. Dang! Well, now that the course break is coming, should be staying home more often to accompany mum and dad, and fat fat eric. *grins* I’m having green bean soup now! Haha!

Oh, and my eyes are not swollen anymore. Just itchy. *scratch scratch* *rub rub* finally people would stop saying that I’ve been peeping at girl’s in the toilet! Haha. anyway, what’s so interesting about a girl in the toilet? Cheap thrill! Bah!

22nd February! World Scout’s day! Hope that all the scouts and guides out there had a fun day celebrating world scout’s day. *cheers*

A teacher
It’s the last week of training. After this Friday, all the soldiers we have been training for 10 weeks would be trained medics. Wow. It’s the 4th batch that I’m training. Calculating, I would have trained around 240 soldiers to be medics so far. Wondering how the previous trainees are doing. Some went Brunei I heard. Some came back for specialist courses. Some haven’t heard of them since they left. Some are slacking away in their units. Whatever it is, it has been an amazing 2 years. So much has happened. So many people have come and left in my life. And I’ve actually have played a little part in so many people’s lives. God’s works are amazing, isn’t it? Our purpose in life had been drafted out even before we were born; only waiting for us to fulfill it.

Got this from Tuesdays with Morrie(again! Ha!)

“A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops” – Henry Adams

Well, I guess it speaks for itself. And perhaps it does not also necessarily refer to full fledged teacher, like teachers who teach in schools, colleges, institutes. But also to anyone who are willing to impart a certain knowledge or experience to anyone else. Be it our parents telling us about their experience about the world outside, our friends telling us about their relationships, etc. We can always learn so much from others. Maybe that’s why people say we never stop learning. And whatever we learn today, might very well affect us for the rest of out lives.

Fake Casualty
Just yesterday, we were having some outfield activities and I was the ‘safety’ spec for the activity. Just happened that Oliver wanted to test the Tang, who was the medic on cover for the activity. He got help from Shah and Bernard, and a trainee from platoon 2 to simulate a casualty who has got a seizure. And happily, they carried out the ‘test’ without letting me know! When the ‘casualty’ started to ‘shake’ FURIOUSLY all of the sudden, his platoon mates around him got shocked and shouted for ‘MEDIC!’. Tang ran straight to him and I HAPPENED to be in the vicinity and I ran too.

Thought it was a real casualty, told Tang to get all the equipment ready. Bernard was with the ‘casualty’ too. When Tang left to get his equipment, we did a quick assessment of the ‘casualty’. Bernard was smiling all the way and I was wondering, “why the HECK is he smiling?” It didn’t come across me that it was fake at that time. And I went on the unbutton the “casualty’s” shirt. Realised that I was a bit too rough, and a button actually came off. Oops. Only until then Bernard told me, “eh bro! relac relac.. testing tang only…”

Then I was like, KAO! Thanks ah. But, played along. Went to help Tang with his equipment. Had to remind him that he forgot his Oxygen Resuscitator. But overall, he did a really good job in assessing the ‘casualty’. Oliver stopped everything when Tang wanted to insert the Airway Guerdal into “casualty’s” mouth. Well done man!

(The airway guerdal is a hollow, approx. 10-12cm, plastic, ‘J’ shaped tube which comes with a biting piece. Basically inserted into an unconscious patient’s mouth to prevent his tongue from falling back and cover his airway.)

Mambo night? Bah..
Turned down the trainee’s invitation to go Zouk tonight. Heard it’s Mambo night. Ladies night is it? Well, I don’t know. Haha. Told them I would consider going, but I’m still here! Haha. So I guess they would have got the message. =p

NO ONE in the platoon believed me when I told them that I’ve NEVER been to a club before. Is it that amazing? Isn’t it good? Haha. To have a clean record - of not stepping into a club, where booze, liquor, cigarettes and deafening music is everywhere. Maybe even drugs, dirty dancing, hanky panky, or even sleazy activities going on at some corner. But definitely I’ll be going to one, soon I guess. Haha. For the fun of it. Who knows, I might like it at the end of the day. But by the looks of it, nah! Unless they’ve got no-smoking clubs, guess I’ll just stick to coffee-beans and NYDCs. *grins*

I just find it amusing that people are amazed that someone like me, who’s turning 21 in a month’s time, has NEVER been to a club. And what’s more, I don’t look like I’m 21. Look a few years older me age. Haha. oh speaking of 21, thanks people. Thank you, my buddies and sisters. Heard from Ber that you guys actually wanted to buy me a ticket to California. Sighs. So touched!! Really, thanks a lot. Well, maybe now you guys can consider getting me a Suzuki Swift, or Mitsubitshi Colt, or if you guys are feeling a bit rich, maybe a Volkswagan Mini? Hahah! Deeply appreciate it! Hehe. But don’t think would be throwing a party though. Maybe a simple dinner somewhere? Yups. *grins* do consider my offer for my presents! Haha. (and don’t try to be cheeky and get me those little miniature model cars! =p)

Gym
Been gyming quite a bit with Neo lately. Don’t know what’s coming over us, to hit the gym so often these few weeks. Guess, maybe because it’s been really mentally tiring these few weeks, and we’re just too tired to jog or skip. So ended up going to the gym. But my dreaded spare tyre doesn’t seem to go away regardless what I do. Dang!

Neo had a little device which could calculate the body’s fat percentage. It was my 1st time doing it. Mine registered 17.4 and Neo’s 18something. It’s within the healthy range, but apparently he is aiming to get it below 10. haha. crazy fella. Hoping to rub off some of his determination. Just one day, my dreaded tyre would go away. *cheers!!*

Ophir/WTC
It’s finally confirmed that we’re going to climb Mount Ophir. That means I’ve got to make a trip down to SIR to extend my passport! So exciting! Can’t wait to get to the top of the mountain/hill with the guys. The view must really be exhilarating. Will be sure to take tonnes of pictures! MUahahaha.

And it’s confirmed that I’ll be the Chief of Whitley Training/Troop Camp this year. Will start work after Ophir I guess. The camp would be in June. And it’s already February. Have got lots of work to do. Hope that everything would be fine. Will be needing support from MANY many people. Pray pray. =X

Blood Donation
AGAIN! Haha. Anyone wants to donate blood? Hehe. SMS or leave a msg! =)

Morrie

Shall try and update this blog while I’m still sober. Had 2 bottles of Heineken at Holland Village Wala Wala. Didn’t thought that I would be drinking beer. But, couldn’t help. Everyone else was drinking it. Owells. Hope this jasmine tea I have here can help me keep awake for another ten minutes.

Tuition
Its tuition time again. Mum fetched me from camp and sent me to TPY for tuition. Talked about tons of stuff on the van. Just really upset that things have to turn out this way. One problem after another. Why is my faith always put into test? Sighs. I will survive. I know I will. I know I can make it. Somehow. I know my friends will be praying for me. I know God will always have another alternative for me, and that He will always be there for me. I just have to persevere I guess. Sighs. Why do things have to turn out this way?

Haha. It’s odd. To see mum like that. Never saw her like that before. Just, traumatized.

Well, went for tuition. Tried concentrating in teaching yan. Realized that he’s growing up really quickly. Getting taller. Haha. Was just wondering how it would be like to have my own kid. Seeing them grow up. It’s an experience I guess I wouldn’t be exchanging anything for.

Then grabbed a sandwich and went to Carl’s. Did math and collected my fees! Yaay! Haha. Have this feeling it’ll all be gone by this weekend. Oops.

BBQ/drink
Went east coast for the platoon BBQ. Was really nice for the platoon to invite us over. Raymond couldn’t make it though. He was down with flu or something. Met up with Jensen, Faizal and Steve. Taishen came too. She was like, the MAIN attraction of the entire BBQ. Sighs. See what the army turns guys into? Colour-wolves.

Saw Lazarus too. He dropped by to say hi. Good to see him again.

Went to Holland V after the BBQ. Went to Walas for a drink. Steve, Goh, Faizal, Jensen. Heineken was one-for-one. So they ordered 4. That means we’ve got 8 in total. And Jensen had 2 pints of some German beer called, something garden. Can’t remember its name. So the rest of us had 2 bottles of beer. Watched Man Utd vs Liverpool. Liverpool won one nil. Chatted, drank, had wings and fries and mushrooms, all the way till 12am. Got to see Jensen’s girlfriend and his girlfriend’s friend, who got drunk.

Walas’s a nice place to chill out. Nice atmosphere. Good for late night soccer matches, for friends to hang out together. Right at Holland V, there are other shops such as Starbucks and Coffee Bean, NYDC, and many others. Really nice place to chill. =)

Didn’t realise that I would actually be drinking beer. The taste is, bitter. But, nice in a way. Haha. Think, now I don’t MIND drinking. But won’t be having a craving to drink. Guess I’ll very much keep it that way. =)

Tuesday with Morrie
Reading this book by Mitch Albom. The author of the 5 people you’ll meet in heaven. Wish I could type the entire book out and share with everyone, cause every page and every sentence has got so much meaning in it. So many emotions and inspirations can be drawn from this book.

Took this from page 81-84 of the book. Some excerpts.

“… everyone knows they are going to die… but no body believes it. If they did, we would do things differently.”

“The truth is, … once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.”

“Because, … most of us walk around as if we’re sleepwalking. We really don’t experience the world fully because we’re half asleep, doing things we automatically think we have to do.”

“… if you accept that you can die at any time- then you might not be as ambitious as you are.”

“We are too involved in materialistic things, and they don’t satisfy us. The loving relationships we have, the universe around us, we take these things for granted.”

Will continue reading the book. It’s really fantastic. Anyone interested in the book can borrow it from me. Just drop me a msg. haha. but, you might have to wait for a while. Have already got 2 guys in the line. =)

Blood donation anyone? sms me..

Annual General Meeting
The meeting was a success! All thanks to everyone who put in the effort for it. Especially Ber for staying up so late to complete the slides. Haha. Ban Mian in the late afternoon was great. *bleah*

The rest of the Rovers and leaders too. For doing a great job in everything. Alvin especially for overseeing the construction of the flagpole and of course the parade itself. =)

And hoon too! For turning up… You don’t have to feel bad and stuff. Just really glad you still came down to Whitley even though you slept for only like, 2 hours that morning. Thanks! And PE, thanks for the cameo appearence! haha. Good to see you again. =)

Oh, and the spiral staircase is so… Antique.

Stay-in week
Been staying in camp for the entire week since Sunday till now. Didn’t feel like going home once again, even though I had the chance to do so. I don’t know why too. Maybe, just trying to escape reality? Escaping the possibility of going places which could possibly trigger off any memories. Even a darn orange shoe lace can link up to so many memories. In camp is the only place I can stay away from these I guess. So, I don’t know. Ha. Just frustrated, when I don’t even know what went wrong. What’s happening? What’s the real reason of ‘separation’?

Been staying in, even on V day. Did send her a package for V day. Asked breeann to help me pass to her. Sent her emails and stuff. But, no replies, no sms, no calls, no nothing. I don’t know. Haah. No thank you? It’s, so unlike her. Have I gotten into her “people I hate” book? Or, “people I’m ignoring” list, or just, “another idiot stalker”? I don’t know. Again.

These 3 words, ‘I don’t know’, seems such an easy phrase to say, to escape our problems. The days when ‘I love you’ is used so often like as though they were full-stops in sentences are over. Now come the days of ‘I don’t know’. God I’m all confused now. But, there’s nothing I can do once again. This feeling’s totally weird. Like, as though someone’s choking me and I can’t do anything about it.

Just hope that things would be fine one day. I know it will. I’m hopeful. =) just a matter of time. Perseverance.

Dad’s complaining why I’m not going home. Sigh. How I wish I could tell him how I feel. How I wish they would understand that I’m still hurting. How I wish things didn’t have to turn out this way, and that I wouldn’t have disappointed them. Dad’s losing his trust on me. Mum can’t be bothered sometimes. They want me to stop believing in Christ. How bad can it get? Don’t they understand that I’m still in pain?

Still love them no less. Just, pray that they’ll understand. Somehow.

Specs
Got my new pair of specs. Been receiving rather, “ego boosting” comments from friends and mum. =P sighs. But my lenses are more expensive than my frame. All thanks to my wonderfully myopic eyes. And now, my right eye is swelling because of some dumb insect bite. Keep on tearing. Irritating.

Keeping busy
Trying to keep myself busy to get my mind off things. It’s been a great one year, but the way to end it is and the way it is now, is rather disappointing. Things will get better I guess. But till then, looking forward to these stuffs. Platoon bbq this Saturday, after which we’ll be going to walla walla. Next Saturday lunch and movies with fellow instructors, and sending the Brunei trainees off at Changi Airport. The following Friday to Sunday climbing Mount Ophir. Next Tuesday SMU, NUS and NTU bash. MOS some time next month. Whitley Rover Orientation Camp next month. Whitley Training Camp in June. Haha. hope everything goes as planned. Oh, I’m gonna donate blood on Wednesday, 1st march. Anyone wants to come along? Sms me please.

follow thy heart

The heart? Or the brain? Do people out there have got a split personalities? Possessing double characters? 2 schools of believes in one person? One mind having multiple, complicated thoughts and experiencing conflicting feelings? I don't know about other people…

But I sure have discovered the “2 Vinces” in me. First, is the all so normal ME who goes on the road everyday. The ME who people see everyday. The ME, whom people talk to day in day out. The ME who makes rational decisions, thinking of the normal things like, daily life, army, camp, friends, family, games, and sometimes planning for the future. The one who talks with reasoning, the one who would weigh the options before doing something. The ME where the BRAIN rules.

Now, I’m starting to learn the OTHER side of me. The touchy-touchy side. The “hey! I need some attention here!” side. The reckless and "do what i want" side. The EMOTIONAL side. The side where the HEART rules. And how it actually influences me when it comes to decision making. I always thought that a person has only got ONE personality. But all these while, I’ve been RULED by not only my brain, my also my heart. 2 of which makes decisions ever-so conflicting. It’s almost like, 2 different people in me.

Everyday, when I wake and am full of yield and motivation, when the BRAIN is awake and actually function properly, I’m just, ME. The ME who goes around looking all so normal, and talking about daily events as though my brain was programmed to do so. But as time goes by, when the energy depletes or when I get emotional affected suddenly, the brain shuts down. The mind starts to lose its sanity. I can’t seem to make any rational decisions anymore. Words which come out of my mouth start to turn preposterous and absurd.

Was reading the previous posts of this blog. And I realised that so many of them are composed when my HEART has taken over. The EMOTIONAL side of me has been writing all those stuff. I don’t know whether if it is good or bad. But what I do know is that this other me, has made decisions in my life so far. Which should I listen to when I am to make a major decision? The heart? Or the brain?

Time and time again, when I’m posed with situations when a decision is to be made, the heart will say something and the mind will say something else. Usually the oppose each other. And time and time again, I realise that, it is my HEART who gets the final say. It’s always telling me, “Go for it. Take the risk, even though you might fail and even though you might be disappointed. But still, go for it. It'll be just fine. Who knows? It might turn out the way you want it to be!” It’s the curiosity that always intrigues me. It’s the excitement and mystery that spurs the heart. And that is exactly why the HEART will win the BRAIN.

There would be minor situations we encounter daily where the heart and brain conflicts. Like, to eat or not to eat that ferrero rocher on the table, or to gorge or not to gorge on the bak kwa in that box. It’s like, the mind would be saying: “NO! don’t take it! It’ll make you FAT! You’ll get your tummy back, and you’ll lose whatever you’ve been training for so far! Don’t!!!” but the heart would be like saying: “hey, come on la! You only live once, just take the food and eat! Who cares? Later then exercise lor… can one la! Just eat!!!”

Or perhaps, at a more serious scale, we lie in our daily lives so that we don’t cause trouble for ourselves. We’ll say things to cover our own asses, especially when we know the consequences of speaking the truth. The brain says NOT to lie, because it is not right to do so. It is WRONG to lie. No matter what the consequences are. But the heart constantly tempts us and tells us that it doesn’t hurt to say a lie or 2. There’s always this conflict. And we are always been poised to make the decision.

Now, I’m not saying that the heart is evil and asks us to do the WRONG thing. It is not. Just that we’re all naturally sinned. The heart, no matter what, is still closest to our body. It is where our emotions come from. Fear, happiness, loneliness, love. All come from the heart. Many times we follow the heart, because that is what we really want. That is what we yearn for. That is what we are looking for.

If I were to say, I gave up Glennis for Jessica, many would hack my head off. Because I’ve been telling EVERYONE that it was mutual. No, it wasn’t. I was the one who broke off with her. Yes, I did that. It’s a confession. I can’t hide it anymore. All these while I’ve been hiding. But the guilt, I can’t bear no more. I split with Glen, to earn this chance to TRY be with Jessica. Maybe I’m now incurring the wrath of "retribution". But, it’s what I must face for letting my heart rule over me. At that time, I wanted to try. Cause when I set my eyes on Jessica, I was totally blinded. My heart flustered. And I decided to try, even though I knew that she was leaving in less than a year’s time. I had no idea where I picked the courage from and I said 'NO' to Glennis and 'YES' to 'try Jess', even though I clearly knew that the chance of getting her was so bloody pathetic.

My MIND was telling me, “no. don’t. you’ve got someone who would love you more than anything. And she would die for you. Why do something foolish?”

Yet my HEART told me to try. Cause, I somehow knew that things would work out. I knew I would get along with her somehow. I knew, there were greater things ahead.

Totally ignored how Glen felt and followed my heart. It never came across to me how much it would have hurt her. I’ve been an absolute bastard. How deep a scar I’ve left on her, I do not know. Perhaps I could have been direct. Perhaps I could have been honest. But I didn't. Because I didn't dare to hurt her. I was timid. And I’ve been hiding it all these while. Somehow, thinking back, I kinda regret saying NO to her. But, what’s the point? I guess, what I can do now is to pray for her. And, perhaps one day, we could be friends again one day.

But nonetheless, I also have experienced a year full of colours and excitement as I followed by heart. It has been vibrant and wonderful. It was exactly what my HEART wanted. Exactly what I yearned. What I desired. Fun, excitement, happening times and Love. Though to my dismay, things hadn’t work out the way I thought it would be, it was one year which I would very well carry with the fondest memories for the rest of my life.

Now, I know that my BRAIN is talking to me as I compose this. Not my HEART. I’m talking sense. And there are 2 things I’ve learnt which perhaps might make some sense to whoever is reading this.

1)The decisions which the heart makes sometimes might turn out to be a nightmare. But when it turns out the way you want it to be, it’ll be one of the loveliest moments in your life. Because, THAT is what your HEART really wants. What your HEART really DESIRES. It would be the HIGHEST thing that you might possibly experience, and it would probably touch you so deep inside that you melt at the thought of it.

2)Sometimes there would be a “side-effect” when we take chances, and follow our HEART. Or perhaps, you can call it, a “back-lash”. We should mentally prepare ourselves, as we follow our heart and make decisions. Cause, if there were to be a “back-lash”, it is the HEART that would be hurt badly, and very much DIRECTLY. Not the body, not the brain. But the HEART. We must be ready to face the “what-ifs” at the end of the day.

I feel bad for not telling Glennis the truth as to why we went separate ways. I lied to her. I feel guilty, for hiding from my friends by not telling them the truth. I feel like I’m a disappointment to Jessica, for hiding it from her all the while I was with her. I’m sorry guys. Forgive me, please. It has been in me for a very long while. And I think, I need to talk to Glennis one day soon. God bless me with the courage to talk to her.

Perhaps you can say that I'm foolish or stubborn. Even though now I know very well that I would be susceptible to heartbreaks and mental trauma if I were to listen to my HEART again, and I might possibly hurt another person in the process. But I think I will still follow my HEART and take chances & risks, than to follow the BRAIN and be a dumb NUT in a SHELL, waiting for things to happen and lead a "un-happening" life. Because I’ve tasted sweetness in the heart, the fulfillment of the soul and the happiness which embraced me when I took the risk and followed my HEART. I guess, I would be very much willing to follow my heart once again, shall there be a conflict between my heart and brain. Just this time, I’ll be asking God too. Seek for His permission. *grins*

Thank you Jess, for following your heart too. It’s been great. Really wonderful. Sorry for the whining and stuff. I see the light now. Thanks. =)

So what would you do? Follow your heart? Or your brain? It’s all up to you to choose.

Over

When Love is Gone..
I had 7 mins left on the calling card. Called you. Yup. Ouch. It hurt so badly. I feel sorry it has to end this way. Still, if you would, I would want to know what happened. What went wrong? It wasn’t supposed to be like that. Something happened in between, didn’t it? I want to know. I need to know. No more lies. I’ve taken too much from you. I’ve taken everything. I’m sorry. I can’t ask for more now. I just need an answer. Thank you. Good luck to you, God bless you.

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All over
It’s all over now. Yups. No more waiting, no more nothing. It’s hard to swallow. But, I guess that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

I ain’t gonna cry no more. Ain’t gonna ache no more. Ain’t gonna think no more.
Though I’m left broken. Left shattered. Left alone to pick up the pieces,
I know you’ve got your reasons. I know you do. And I forgive.
You’re still a darling. Still lovely. Forever beautiful to me.
But, somewhere inside me there would always be a place, a hollow, left by you.
And it will remain that way. For a very long time. A fucking big hollow.
I realise as I try harder, you turn stranger, and the knife in me gets deeper in.
Sorry I can’t honour my promises. Especially that of the 9th March. Forgive me.
Thank you for giving me so much. Thank you for divorcing my pathetic soul.
Thank you for everything. God loves you, little girl. So do I.
I still don’t know what happened. I might never know forever.
Whatever it is, may God bless you in whatever you do.

Soul mate.

weak inside

Work starts today. Feels, weird going back camp. Been quite a, well, “okay” New Year celebration. Seeing everyone again, all the visiting, seeing my little cousins, etc. been quite fun. Love my family. Love my dad. Love mummy. They have always been there for me even though sometimes they can be rather crazy. Love Eric. For constantly irritating the crap out of me, which nonetheless reminds me that I’m still alive, and I’ve a purpose in life.

Went to play ball yesterday morning. Guang hui, zhi hao, randy, weiming, zhirong, mic were all there to play too. Had some real fun. Got my mind off things for a while. Had a good sweat. Realized that, hao, randy, mic and I have all fallen out of relationships within these 2, 3 months. We’re all trying to ‘recover’. Haha. meeting them up again this coming Saturday night to play mahjong at randy’s. They all seem really professional, but think I’ll play for the fun of it I guess.

Met jenje in the afternoon. She looked really sweet. *grins* Did history and math with her. Still remember the question she couldn’t solve.

“the highest common factor of 2 numbers is 1. the lowest multiple of the 2 numbers is 91. what are the 2 numbers?”

Had to think for quite a long while how to explain this to her. It all seemed so common sense, that it was like, “huh? Need to explain one meh? Its just like that lor” kind of question. Still, hope she understands what I was trying to say.

Came to my place after that. Mum thought she was sec 4. Taught her the guitar. G and C chord. Her pinky can’t seem to press the string properly. Isn’t it so cool that you play the guitar during Music lessons in your sec school instead of the Recorder? Well, that’s what Balestier Hill’s sec is doing. They play guitar. COOL!~

Belinda came too. Jenje made her do some personality test.

This is Belinda’s: Natural Beauty. Your beauty is found on your shell... your outside. This could mean you have an attractive face or a fit body, maybe a pair of beautiful eyes or a nice smile. Whatever it is, it can be seen by everyone and everyone probably agrees thats its beautiful. Congratulations, this is a good type of beauty to have because then you can easily show it off without someone actually knowing you.
You were given this beauty as a part of your destiny. Reveal the goddess in you through dance and song, as it would match your appearance.

This is Mine: Beautiful Soul. Youre beautiful within. You have a great personality and Im sure a lot of people are close to you because of it. You dont believe in being evil unless its harmless and youre pretty much a nice person with food manners and a cool personality. Youre almost perfect in any way, and Im sure you family loves you as does your friends and future boyfriends/girlfriends Good on ya, its all going cool for you!
To reveal your goddess, express yourself and all you feel for your gentlemenhood will reveal something great inside you.

Well, how true is it? Great personality? Beautiful within? *shrugs*

Went to “he pan” with ling, yew keong and ber. Took photos and walked around. Played this carnival game, $5 each game. Try to throw some metal rings and hope it gets hooped onto the glass bottles. We didn’t manage any cause it was really, erm, bouncy. Passed by this calligraphy stall which does name engraving on stones. Did one. ha. But it looked kinda weird. Thought my teacher would do a much better job. =p

Went for a drink at Starbucks. Ber complained her chocolate tasted like mothballs! Haha. That was the drink I used to have with jess at TPY starbucks(the present Burger King). Thought it was nice. But tasted like mothballs to her.

Went to camp this morning. Thought the placed looked different as I walked in. took a look at my HP. Hoping that she would call or something. was dreaming la! Knew deep down it won’t happen. Haha. Was thinking that she might call during CNY to wish everyone happy new year. But, guess I’m just a bloody dreamer. Slept in bunk till 11am. Couldn’t take it. Images of her kept flashing. Picked up the phone and called her. *sigh*

Went to meet ber in the afternoon. went from taka to bugis, then to tpy. Bought a pair of shoes, and made myself a new pair of glasses. Wonder how it looks like with the lens on. $280 bucks. sighs. Gonna get screwed by mum again. Had sushi for dinner. A really, pardon me but, disgusting couple sat in front of us. They were talking with their mouth full, literally ‘sucked’ the noodles out of the bowl. URGH! Alright, I know I’m not supposed to judge people, but, it’s just me. can’t stand people doing that. Ber was laughing her heads off throughout. Haha.

---------------------------------------------

够了

我不能自拔。就连睡觉都会想起她。
拿起了电话，拨了她的电话号码。
“咯咯，咯咯。”
心里在想，她会接电话吗？
“叭叭，叭八。”
那是我心跳的声音。好大声。
当她拿起电话筒的时候，我心仿佛停了两秒钟。
听到了她的声音，不然感觉到非常安慰。
但也感到非常地，嗨，算了吧。
我告诉我自己：“够了。这样就够了。”

时间不能倒流。感情能够挽留吗？

我不知道。我不想知道。