The heart? Or the brain? Do people out there have got a split personalities? Possessing double characters? 2 schools of believes in one person? One mind having multiple, complicated thoughts and experiencing conflicting feelings? I don't know about other people…
But I sure have discovered the “2 Vinces” in me. First, is the all so normal ME who goes on the road everyday. The ME who people see everyday. The ME, whom people talk to day in day out. The ME who makes rational decisions, thinking of the normal things like, daily life, army, camp, friends, family, games, and sometimes planning for the future. The one who talks with reasoning, the one who would weigh the options before doing something. The ME where the BRAIN rules.
But I sure have discovered the “2 Vinces” in me. First, is the all so normal ME who goes on the road everyday. The ME who people see everyday. The ME, whom people talk to day in day out. The ME who makes rational decisions, thinking of the normal things like, daily life, army, camp, friends, family, games, and sometimes planning for the future. The one who talks with reasoning, the one who would weigh the options before doing something. The ME where the BRAIN rules.
Now, I’m starting to learn the OTHER side of me. The touchy-touchy side. The “hey! I need some attention here!” side. The reckless and "do what i want" side. The EMOTIONAL side. The side where the HEART rules. And how it actually influences me when it comes to decision making. I always thought that a person has only got ONE personality. But all these while, I’ve been RULED by not only my brain, my also my heart. 2 of which makes decisions ever-so conflicting. It’s almost like, 2 different people in me.
Everyday, when I wake and am full of yield and motivation, when the BRAIN is awake and actually function properly, I’m just, ME. The ME who goes around looking all so normal, and talking about daily events as though my brain was programmed to do so. But as time goes by, when the energy depletes or when I get emotional affected suddenly, the brain shuts down. The mind starts to lose its sanity. I can’t seem to make any rational decisions anymore. Words which come out of my mouth start to turn preposterous and absurd.
Was reading the previous posts of this blog. And I realised that so many of them are composed when my HEART has taken over. The EMOTIONAL side of me has been writing all those stuff. I don’t know whether if it is good or bad. But what I do know is that this other me, has made decisions in my life so far. Which should I listen to when I am to make a major decision? The heart? Or the brain?
Time and time again, when I’m posed with situations when a decision is to be made, the heart will say something and the mind will say something else. Usually the oppose each other. And time and time again, I realise that, it is my HEART who gets the final say. It’s always telling me, “Go for it. Take the risk, even though you might fail and even though you might be disappointed. But still, go for it. It'll be just fine. Who knows? It might turn out the way you want it to be!” It’s the curiosity that always intrigues me. It’s the excitement and mystery that spurs the heart. And that is exactly why the HEART will win the BRAIN.
There would be minor situations we encounter daily where the heart and brain conflicts. Like, to eat or not to eat that ferrero rocher on the table, or to gorge or not to gorge on the bak kwa in that box. It’s like, the mind would be saying: “NO! don’t take it! It’ll make you FAT! You’ll get your tummy back, and you’ll lose whatever you’ve been training for so far! Don’t!!!” but the heart would be like saying: “hey, come on la! You only live once, just take the food and eat! Who cares? Later then exercise lor… can one la! Just eat!!!”
Or perhaps, at a more serious scale, we lie in our daily lives so that we don’t cause trouble for ourselves. We’ll say things to cover our own asses, especially when we know the consequences of speaking the truth. The brain says NOT to lie, because it is not right to do so. It is WRONG to lie. No matter what the consequences are. But the heart constantly tempts us and tells us that it doesn’t hurt to say a lie or 2. There’s always this conflict. And we are always been poised to make the decision.
Now, I’m not saying that the heart is evil and asks us to do the WRONG thing. It is not. Just that we’re all naturally sinned. The heart, no matter what, is still closest to our body. It is where our emotions come from. Fear, happiness, loneliness, love. All come from the heart. Many times we follow the heart, because that is what we really want. That is what we yearn for. That is what we are looking for.
If I were to say, I gave up Glennis for Jessica, many would hack my head off. Because I’ve been telling EVERYONE that it was mutual. No, it wasn’t. I was the one who broke off with her. Yes, I did that. It’s a confession. I can’t hide it anymore. All these while I’ve been hiding. But the guilt, I can’t bear no more. I split with Glen, to earn this chance to TRY be with Jessica. Maybe I’m now incurring the wrath of "retribution". But, it’s what I must face for letting my heart rule over me. At that time, I wanted to try. Cause when I set my eyes on Jessica, I was totally blinded. My heart flustered. And I decided to try, even though I knew that she was leaving in less than a year’s time. I had no idea where I picked the courage from and I said 'NO' to Glennis and 'YES' to 'try Jess', even though I clearly knew that the chance of getting her was so bloody pathetic.
If I were to say, I gave up Glennis for Jessica, many would hack my head off. Because I’ve been telling EVERYONE that it was mutual. No, it wasn’t. I was the one who broke off with her. Yes, I did that. It’s a confession. I can’t hide it anymore. All these while I’ve been hiding. But the guilt, I can’t bear no more. I split with Glen, to earn this chance to TRY be with Jessica. Maybe I’m now incurring the wrath of "retribution". But, it’s what I must face for letting my heart rule over me. At that time, I wanted to try. Cause when I set my eyes on Jessica, I was totally blinded. My heart flustered. And I decided to try, even though I knew that she was leaving in less than a year’s time. I had no idea where I picked the courage from and I said 'NO' to Glennis and 'YES' to 'try Jess', even though I clearly knew that the chance of getting her was so bloody pathetic.
My MIND was telling me, “no. don’t. you’ve got someone who would love you more than anything. And she would die for you. Why do something foolish?”
Yet my HEART told me to try. Cause, I somehow knew that things would work out. I knew I would get along with her somehow. I knew, there were greater things ahead.
Totally ignored how Glen felt and followed my heart. It never came across to me how much it would have hurt her. I’ve been an absolute bastard. How deep a scar I’ve left on her, I do not know. Perhaps I could have been direct. Perhaps I could have been honest. But I didn't. Because I didn't dare to hurt her. I was timid. And I’ve been hiding it all these while. Somehow, thinking back, I kinda regret saying NO to her. But, what’s the point? I guess, what I can do now is to pray for her. And, perhaps one day, we could be friends again one day.
But nonetheless, I also have experienced a year full of colours and excitement as I followed by heart. It has been vibrant and wonderful. It was exactly what my HEART wanted. Exactly what I yearned. What I desired. Fun, excitement, happening times and Love. Though to my dismay, things hadn’t work out the way I thought it would be, it was one year which I would very well carry with the fondest memories for the rest of my life.
But nonetheless, I also have experienced a year full of colours and excitement as I followed by heart. It has been vibrant and wonderful. It was exactly what my HEART wanted. Exactly what I yearned. What I desired. Fun, excitement, happening times and Love. Though to my dismay, things hadn’t work out the way I thought it would be, it was one year which I would very well carry with the fondest memories for the rest of my life.
Now, I know that my BRAIN is talking to me as I compose this. Not my HEART. I’m talking sense. And there are 2 things I’ve learnt which perhaps might make some sense to whoever is reading this.
1)The decisions which the heart makes sometimes might turn out to be a nightmare. But when it turns out the way you want it to be, it’ll be one of the loveliest moments in your life. Because, THAT is what your HEART really wants. What your HEART really DESIRES. It would be the HIGHEST thing that you might possibly experience, and it would probably touch you so deep inside that you melt at the thought of it.
2)Sometimes there would be a “side-effect” when we take chances, and follow our HEART. Or perhaps, you can call it, a “back-lash”. We should mentally prepare ourselves, as we follow our heart and make decisions. Cause, if there were to be a “back-lash”, it is the HEART that would be hurt badly, and very much DIRECTLY. Not the body, not the brain. But the HEART. We must be ready to face the “what-ifs” at the end of the day.
I feel bad for not telling Glennis the truth as to why we went separate ways. I lied to her. I feel guilty, for hiding from my friends by not telling them the truth. I feel like I’m a disappointment to Jessica, for hiding it from her all the while I was with her. I’m sorry guys. Forgive me, please. It has been in me for a very long while. And I think, I need to talk to Glennis one day soon. God bless me with the courage to talk to her.
Perhaps you can say that I'm foolish or stubborn. Even though now I know very well that I would be susceptible to heartbreaks and mental trauma if I were to listen to my HEART again, and I might possibly hurt another person in the process. But I think I will still follow my HEART and take chances & risks, than to follow the BRAIN and be a dumb NUT in a SHELL, waiting for things to happen and lead a "un-happening" life. Because I’ve tasted sweetness in the heart, the fulfillment of the soul and the happiness which embraced me when I took the risk and followed my HEART. I guess, I would be very much willing to follow my heart once again, shall there be a conflict between my heart and brain. Just this time, I’ll be asking God too. Seek for His permission. *grins*
Thank you Jess, for following your heart too. It’s been great. Really wonderful. Sorry for the whining and stuff. I see the light now. Thanks. =)
I feel bad for not telling Glennis the truth as to why we went separate ways. I lied to her. I feel guilty, for hiding from my friends by not telling them the truth. I feel like I’m a disappointment to Jessica, for hiding it from her all the while I was with her. I’m sorry guys. Forgive me, please. It has been in me for a very long while. And I think, I need to talk to Glennis one day soon. God bless me with the courage to talk to her.
Perhaps you can say that I'm foolish or stubborn. Even though now I know very well that I would be susceptible to heartbreaks and mental trauma if I were to listen to my HEART again, and I might possibly hurt another person in the process. But I think I will still follow my HEART and take chances & risks, than to follow the BRAIN and be a dumb NUT in a SHELL, waiting for things to happen and lead a "un-happening" life. Because I’ve tasted sweetness in the heart, the fulfillment of the soul and the happiness which embraced me when I took the risk and followed my HEART. I guess, I would be very much willing to follow my heart once again, shall there be a conflict between my heart and brain. Just this time, I’ll be asking God too. Seek for His permission. *grins*
Thank you Jess, for following your heart too. It’s been great. Really wonderful. Sorry for the whining and stuff. I see the light now. Thanks. =)
So what would you do? Follow your heart? Or your brain? It’s all up to you to choose.
No comments:
Post a Comment