vegetable=girlfriend

Everything went well today. Thank God for giving me the courage to say no to mum and dad. Thank God for giving me the strength to refuse to hold the joss sticks and burn the incense papers. Thank you thank you thank you. Thank all those we prayed for me. Thank you thank you thank you!!! *smiles*

It’s great to see the entire family again. Everyone expected me to bring a girl along too. Sighs! For the past 3 years, I’ve brought a girl back. Guess, I’ve been making a REEEALLY bad impression huh? They were like, “eh vincent, this year no ‘cai’ (vegetable in Chinese, which means girl in hokkien) ah?” Owells. Anyways, happy new year everyone. All the best in your endeavors!

CNY

It’s CNY eve. How fast one year has past. Come and gone just like that. One year. So much has happened. And it’s only one year. What lies ahead of us, we do not know. But I’ve certainly learnt much from this one year, and more prepared I am to challenge the years ahead.

This year, I’ll be out of the army. No more regimentation. No more restrictions. No more monthly allowance. This year, I’ll be heading for the University. I’ve no idea which one I’m attending yet. This year, I’m 21. I’ve been on earth, for 21 years. It’s a milestone, a benchmark. Probably an adult now. The reality of this world, this society will start to sink in very quickly. Within ten years, I would be making decisions that would definitely affect the rest of my life. University, degree, qualifications. Career, work, society. Relationships, girlfriends, wife, family, children. Things as such. Major decisions. All would probably be made in these ten years. So much to think about. So crucial and critical these decisions are.

Well, perhaps people say that we’re all too young. At the age of twenty one? Thinking too much they say. I say, it’s good time to think of what we want. Perhaps, not in detail, but a rough estimate. Once in the society, pace of life would accelerate breathtakingly. So much so that, we might be all sucked into the vicious cycle of long office hours, little family time, deterioration of our spiritual growth, unhealthy lifestyles. Now, I can almost see the challenges ahead of me. There seem to be so many trials right in front of me.

Same goes to everyone. I believe that all of us definitely, at a certain point of time, have thought about our future. Some have dreams; some are realistic. Some work towards their goals; some just hide away from their feelings and wait for a miracle to happen. Where do I stand? I guess, in between. For a huge chunk of my life, I’ve been a realistic person. Never believed in God. Never believed in dreams. Never believed in fairy tales. But now, a huge slice of my heart has changed and softened since last year. Now, Jesus has accepted me. I have beautiful dreams I want to realise. And I actually believe in fairytales, that life’s more than what it seems.

“ ‘… stop and consider God’s wonders.’” Job 37:14

No matter what happens, regardless if our dreams come true, regardless if miracles happen, regardless if we’ll be sucked into the vicious cycles of life, if we’ll be too darn busy, I hope, everyone would be able to stop, from time to time, and take a look around at God’s wonders. The air we breathe, the trees we seek shelter from, the sounds of the wind. These are blessings. Blessings from someone who loved us even before we were born. Sometimes, when things get too hard to handle, we just have to stop and look around. Think of what we have now. Aren’t we already very blessed with whatever we have in front of us?

Certainly hope that we can take a look around from time to time. And appreciate His wonders.

Reunion dinner
It feels so good, to be sitting around the kitchen table with my family and have our dinner. I think, we haven’t been eating on the kitchen table for a year. Or rather, we haven’t had dinner at home as a family ever since she’s left. Maybe I’m over exaggerating, I don’t know but it feels kinda weird not having her around. Got so used to her being around.

Whatever it is, I love my family. No matter what happens, no matter how crazy mum and dad can get at times. I love you guys. Thank you.

Jess
Mum’s asking how’re you. Whether if we’re talking. How’s your nose, your skin, if you’re cold. How are you coping? When you are coming back? If you found your university. Haha. She seems to be more worried about you than me. owell. Told her you’re doing great. Haven’t given her the hug yet though. =) I know you don’t celebrate CNY, but still, happy new year. No red packets for you this time though. *grins*

Wish list
MP3 player (probably a Creative one)
sweater from the lil store which sells Christian stuff at j8 lvl 2 (its $58!)
back pack
shoes
new pair of specs (plastic frame)
new calligraphy paint brushes
new guitar
basketball
vjienscse

Happy new year!
Happy new year peeps. Let us brace ourselves, and welcome the new year with arms wide open. May the ANG BAOS roll in non-stop! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Try

I'm not asking you to choose between God and I. He WILL always be number one. To me, to you.

I'm asking to grow in Him together.

To learn together. To make mistakes. To pray for each other. To love. To try.

cheesy..

Dreams
Been dreaming lately. Every night without fail. About 2 people. About 2 girls. Every night, since Monday. They just keep popping up in my dreams! Its SOO weird! Sigh. Wondering what those dreams are supposed to mean. Wish someone could actually decipher dreams! *shrugs*

Etiquette
Have been noticing how people behave these few days. And started to discover some of the bad habits certain people have (some of which I have too!), and realized that, they’re all kinda disgusting. The worst habit that I really find upsetting, would be, chewing food with the mouth open and making those, watery watery chop chop sound… its so, EEK! Find it totally disgusting. Next, would be drinking something, and then instead of swallowing EVERYTHING, leave a bit of the drink in the mouth, and start regurgitating that little bit, trying to savour what’s left in the mouth for a while, THEN swallow. URGH!

Next, would be a bad habit that I myself commit too. Shaking legs. Think its really a bad habit when we’re sitting in a place where there are many people cramped together and we our “shaky legs” start to disturb the person just beside, or in a really quiet place where every shake you make would propagate sound waves that would probably trigger of an earthquake. Alright, I’m OVER exaggerating, but, it can be REALLY loud if you’re wearing tight pants and the fabric gives off a “sweesh swosh” sound whenever they rub against each other.

Lastly, I think, another bad habit I’m really starting to DESPISE and DETEST would be smoking. Not that I hate smokers, but rather, kinda dislike smokers who light up their cigarettes in front of non-smokers without asking if they mind, and start to expelling that totally awful smoke into the atmosphere, disregarding the fact that the non-smokers might not want to die young like they do. To me, cigarettes are like a dump of useless leaves rolled up in a thin piece of paper called the ‘one way ticket to hell- no refund.’, and topped off with a lump of Styrofoam cut out from a lunch box. Not that I enjoy criticizing, but, just wonder why people still smoke when they know that it’s so darn disgusting and harmful? Sighs.

Cheese, Salad, and Tea!
Been having a REALLY bad craving for cheese and tea these few days. Been drinking tones of tea- earl tea, black Lipton tea, green tea, jasmine tea, osmanthus tea. Not those canned types. But the tea-bag kind. Think, the best to drink tea, would be without sugar, milk, creamer, yada yada. It’s really nice and aromatic. Perks me up!

And cheese… YUM! Had a slice of cheese cake yesterday, plus a bowl of Caesar’s salad which was shared with Ling and PE. Had beef lagsania( ß how do you exactly spell it?) this afternoon with jenje, and added so much cheese that jenje went like, “now, THAT’s a LOT of cheese.” Oh, did I mention, we had lemon TEA.

Things ARE getting better. Thank God!
Happy to see that Ling is happy with erm.. what’s his name again? Boon Kiong? Sorry! Never good at remembering Chinese names. *bleahs* enjoy yourself alright ling? Thanks for the T-shirts too. They look cute. =)

Thanks PE for coming accompanying me to cheesecake and salad yesterday night. Thank you for rescuing me from the really awkward situation. I was like, a BEAMING light bulb walking along Ling and BF all the way from Marina to Bishan. Haha.

Happy that my lil sis had forgiven me, and we have finally cleared all the misunderstandings. This, I really thank God, and thank you jess. Was really, exasperated. Cause, I was rather helpless when things just turned for the worse suddenly. Didn’t realise that she actually felt that way. Until the day we talked on the phone, she just blew cold. Will make things clear to her again. No worries! Anyway, thanks!

PE’s view of relationships
Was talking to PE on the bus. Get to know that she’s believes, in a relationship, regardless of BGR, or even marriage, we shouldn’t give in a 100%. We should always leave something for ourselves. As in, if things don’t turn out well, we won’t be a 100% heart broken. At least something is there to keep us sane.

Shall I agree with that? haha. still contemplating and searching for an answer. weighing the options, not giving fully would be, like.. not trusting the other half; yet it won’t be that painful if things don’t turn out fine. But, if we’re in a relationship, especially if we are married, aren’t we supposed to have total trust in our partners? And give in that 100%? Isn’t that what love is all about? “Love has no fear, for if there is fear, it is not love.” Maybe, I think this must be one of the reasons why, in a relationship, there must be God. A three way relationship. Not just between the man and the woman. Especially marriage. We can’t possibly do things on our own. It’s so difficult. We’ll start to have our own opinions and different views. There wouldn’t be anyone to guide us. So… tough.

Back to that 100%. Well, I DID give a 100% last time round. Maybe near a hundred I think. And, perhaps, it hurts a lot, but I’ve NEVER regretted it. It feels so good to love someone whole heartedly and being loved back at the same time. It’s a good 100% given. Though it might be really painful, but, looking back, it was beautiful, and there certainly are no regrets. Perhaps, just the regrets of doing silly things and making silly mistakes. But absolutely no regrets giving in full. Still, should we give in a hundred in the future? That’s a question I’ve got to ponder over. Wonder what other people think.

---------------------------------

忍耐产生毅力， 毅力产生希望。- 罗马书 4：5

Hey guys! Someone’s attached! Haha. And that person would be Siewling! Hehe. Just, want to wish her all the best. Though, we all felt that it’s kinda fast, well, just hope that you’ll be happy ya? All the best. Will pray for ya! =)

Sunday standby
Went back camp early to do a standby for the platoon. Kinda, got heated up, cause so much contraband was found. Nonetheless, was rather surprised I could actually give motivational cum disciplinary talk at the same time. Wonder where I got all the words which came out of my mouth. Hehe. =)

Worms are back!
The worms are back. Dreaded ring worms round my thigh, and up “there”. Not exactly “there” but, somewhere there. =) the worse thing is, its freakin’ itchy! URGH! That urge to reach in and scratch, (mind you, its not “there!” but still, its under the pants.. woops!) that sensation of scratching is… oomph! Pardon me if anyone feels disgusted by whatever I’m saying, but, I’m in a mood to crap, and try to make people smile.

Cause, after today’s long day in camp, I realized that it’s God’s blessing that I CAN make people smile, and laugh by doing silly stuff, saying silly things. Sighs. If only I knew Him earlier… I want to fall in love with YOU!!! Hahaha… dum dee dee dum!

IV
Well, perhaps I shouldn’t be blogging much about this. CONFIDENTIAL. But, I think it’s rather interesting. Haha.

Back in there, we teach young guys of 19-24 to be “life-savers”. You get what I’m trying to say. Haha. We teach them, to “poke” people. Set up life lines. What we call, intra-venous administration of fluids. Where we use needles to connect an external line directly to the vein, to administer medicines or fluids. Interesting huh? Its quite an uphill task for a new comer. Having to go through the trauma of actually PENETRAING someone’s skin with a needle ¾ thick of a YAKULT straw, and seeing blood flow out of it.

Yet, as time goes by, we get used to it. And things get better. Soon, we’re all trained to set up what we call ‘life-lines’ for patients. A skill that will go down with us for the rest of our lives. And no more fainting when we see blood!

And being the one teaching and supervising, I can proudly say we’re one of the better trained and experienced “shooter”. Was doing a mental count, how many times we actually helped set a “life line”, each time a new batch comes, we possibly take 200cases each person. And, we possibly take around, say, 4-5 batched at least. That’s 800-1000! Woah. How times fly when we’re in the army. Dang.

Just want to be myself
Sighs. Here comes the sad and silly part of me. Just sitting down and thinking back, for the past 20 years of my life, what have I achieved? I’m still thinking about it, and it seems that, its rather amazing, I haven't done anything AMAZING that I myself am particularly proud of. I guess, many people out there are also asking, what have I done for these 20+, 30+ years of my life? What do I really want? What's my purpose in life? What do I want to be doing, in another 20, 30 years time?

I wish that everyone finds their purpose in life.

Also, I wish that everyone get to live their dreams, and be the person they really want to be. Cause, many a times, its just so hard being oneself. So, so hard. These days, all I want to do, is to be myself. Yet, people start to doubt me. They think I’m fake. They think I’m selfish. Perhaps I really am. Maybe I’m screwed. Maybe I’m just F****D. But, I don’t care. Not anymore. Cause its so tiring. So, so tiring. Not gonna care what others say about me no more. Just perhaps, whatever is happening, is my retribution. My punishment. Just pray that it will go away soon. This pain. This horrible, horrible pain. Please go away.. *bish*

long day..

It’s been a long day. Felt like a full time teacher teaching in a secondary school. Had ALL 4 tuitions today. from morning straight till late afternoon. sigh.

Yan

Went yan’s for tuition at 9. Gave him a little test on the symbols of elements. Guess, he was rather impressed by how I could actually write down the symbols without much thinking. Just like how I was impressed by Ms Cheong back in sec school days. Haha.

In came Phyllis 1 ½ hours later. Think she’s got some problems with a school teacher. Haha. didn’t know she was attached too. 16years old. Too young for relationships? I don’t know. Perhaps the older generation would say, that’s definitely too young. Should only start dating in the university or when we start working they would recommend. But, none of us would actually give a damn. HAH!

Love

We would long to be in a relationship, puppy love, yada yada. Curious. Interested. Just wanted to taste what is ‘LOVE’ all about. How it feels like to be cared by someone else not part of the family. Wanted to know how it feels to kiss, how it feels to interlock fingers, how it feels to open up and say things we don’t say in front of our parents. How it feels, to love, and be loved. Is it too young? 16? 17? Or even 18? I don’t think so. Not saying this because I was one of the “earlier bloomers”. There are many YOUNGER ones out there! Instead, I feel that, being in a relationship makes a person grow. Spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Sometimes we fall and we get hurt. But there’s always something to bring out of it.

Be it a lesson, a virtue or life-long friends, we always tend to gain something, even though we sometimes might lose a lot in the process. Going into it early, helps us learn and understand what we really want in relationships. Also, it unravels our own flaws to ourselves. Our partners become our ‘mirrors’ and reflect our flaws. And now, I know how CMI a person I actually am. And I also know what I want. What I’m looking for. Who I’m looking for. Yes, indeed 20 years of age is so darn young to be thinking of things too serious. But, what the heck. Shoot me.

Gave Phyllis a little note book which’s gonna be her prayer book. =)

Carl

Went to carl’s after that. Started talking about her relationship problems. Sighs. Was like thinking, I’m in a fix myself. On what ground am I to give people advises? Owell, guess it’s always easy to be the one standing by the side listening and talking.

Jasmine

Then came jasmine. Did spelling with her. Was so tired by the time we started. Kept yawning. And felt really irritated when she kept mis-pronouncing “magnifying glass” as “magnet-ti-fying glass”. Managed to curb my displeasure, luckily. Guess, anger is one of my very bad points. Also, perhaps the cause of the downfall of the relationship. Sighs.

Mei

Wanted to go back home and rest up after the last tuition. Then got to realise that jenje haven’t had her meals today. Decided to drop by to bring her some food. Ended up, going to “fork & spoon” for dinner together cause she didn’t want anything soupy, anything with noodles or anything with fish. That ruled out everything I wanted to get her. Fish porridge, fish soup, fishball noodles. So off we went. Bought her some jap food at the food court. Not too bad for her throat I think. Glad to see her better than yesterday though. Guess the medi’s actually working. And I had a slice of watermelon as I watched her finish her food. She was wearing jess’s slippers. The pair we bought together at TPY central. Memories flooded in again.

Started to feel kinda down. And guess it showed all over my face.

“Gor, you feeling okay?”
“yup! *tried to fake a smile* why? Haha..”
“I think you think too much gor..”
“haha.. don’t be silly you piggie..”
“Gor, I know what you are thinking about. Just dream. They come true!”
*stunned*
“haha.. okay..”

I was shocked. But, she might not be talking about what I was thinking. Didn’t wanted to go any further in that conversation. Started talking about her Judo classes. Nonetheless, guess, she’s another fairy tale believer. Sometimes, I feel it would be easier to be her gor and help her, if she’s not jenjera. Haha. what crap am I talking about? Sigh.


拿得起要放得下。
地球不会为了我们而停至旋转，
世界每一秒都不断地在改变。

她再爱， 是迟早的事。
而我却还在默默地盼望与祈祷
希望有奇迹会出现。

这是何等的愚蠢?
可能我在逃避。 可能她真的死心了。
这是我一厢情愿吗？

不时， 还会想起她。
那感觉，是多么的寒酸和辛苦。
有时， 那就好比心如刀割。

眼泪还是会再堕落。
记忆还是会再在脑海里盘旋。
我还需要很多的时间来振作自己。

就可能到她再爱的那一天，
我想，我很不可能放弃一切的希望。
而我还会天天地为她祷告。

因为，我拿起了，根本就放不下。

urgh..

Tonsillitis
Thought only Jenje got it. Now I’ve got it too. Irritating. Drinking’s now quite a chore. Really should have listened to her and NOT finish the ice kachang. Idiot me. Sighs. Went to the doc early morning. Felt really bad not going to camp. Having tests today and I’m not there to help. Darn. Hope the others don’t blame me because test days are usually the dreaded days and they really need manpower. Bad luck?

Spring cleaning
Stayed home to rest up. Took the medication, tried to sleep. But couldn’t. ended up helping mum cleaning up the house. All the dust made my nose worse. But, owell. Always good to be helping mum. Good testament! =) cleaned the walls and fridge. Hung up some deco. Wondering if I should do some calligraphy for the new year. Feeling kinda lazy though. Or maybe I should write a few and set up a stall to sell outside Prime Mart? Wonder if anyone would buy. Have not seen anyone selling calligraphy for a VERY long time. A lost art? Glad I know I bit of it. Thank God! =)

Walk in the park
Decided to take a walk in the park after cleaning up the place. Nose’s dripping badly. Wanted some fresh air. Walked from one side to the other. Saw the swings again, the lil stretch of road where she taught me how to blade. (still don’t know how. All I can remember is to stand in a V manner and try to move forward instead of backwards. And the French bean with meat dish she cooked after that. Oh, and the bitter gourd soup which I totally screwed up.) Went to the other swing at the other playground. Where we once stayed for hours to talk. Even once on a HOT Sunday afternoon. And crossed the bridge where we 1st kissed as I made my way home. Feel like hugging her. Just, gently brush her hair away from her face, and feel her face with my fingertips. Grasping her other hand in mine. Guess, many people would be telling me, “IN YOUR DREAMS!” haha.. I guess so. Such a worthless creep. =p

Jenje
Went up to Jenje’s with ling. She’s so ill. Passed her some medication which I got from the pharmacist earlier. Gave her Listerine too. Made her take the medi in front of us and gargle the Listerine before we left. Hope she takes the medi as I told her to. If not she’s gonna see a doc real soon . Sigh. She’s got so much to do. On top of her work, she’s got to do her chores too. Wish could help her more, but there’s only this much I can do. Even ling felt like helping. Will be praying for her.

Talk with ling
Went to orchard with ling. She wanted to get her new year clothes. Ended up talking more than shopping. Talked so much.

She realized that, she’s a really lucky girl. After seeing jenje, jess, seeing the sec sch girl at MOS who had to work from 5pm-10pm after school, we both realise how lucky we are. I don’t know what to say, but, guess she’s opening up now. Haha. Wish could be like her. Moving on. *shrugs*

She’s missing everyone. Especially jess. She still remembered last year, this time, she was having exams. And jess sent her a letter. She was reading it again yesterday. Haha. She even suggested that the few of us would save up some money to help her get air tickets back to Singapore. =) sweet. Guess, jess has impacted our lives somehow, someway, and we certainly do miss her back home. Even dad and mum. Haha. They were all gaa gaa over her. Still remembered the day, last year, 2nd day into CNY, when they challenged me.

“Your girl’s still a young girl. Don’t play play with her okay? Don’t want you to hurt another girl hor.”

“Don’t worry la. I won’t be changing a girlfriend anymore.”

“Sure not? Better not okay? She seems like a nice girl.”

Yups. Guess, they grew to like her. Esp mum. Guess, I disappointed them. Sometimes, they would be asking things about her. All I could say is, “I don’t know. She should be fine ba.”

Chat with Oon on MSN
Been quite a while since I talked to him. Glad that he’s found his love of his life. Won’t be surprised that they get married soon. He’s gonna be an insurance consultant after ORD. stable income, steady gf, just a matter of time I guess. Told me not to stop hoping and praying.

1/21/2006 12:00:04 AM Very Sad Penguin: u 2 look so good together..
1/21/2006 12:00:04 AM vince: tonsillitis: haha..
1/21/2006 12:00:10 AM Very Sad Penguin: sad to see u guys break up..
1/21/2006 12:00:12 AM vince: tonsillitis: hey.. stop stop..
1/21/2006 12:00:13 AM vince: tonsillitis: dont say le
1/21/2006 12:00:15 AM vince: tonsillitis: pain pain..
1/21/2006 12:00:29 AM Very Sad Penguin: sorry..
1/21/2006 12:01:03 AM vince: tonsillitis: haha..
1/21/2006 12:01:06 AM vince: tonsillitis: no problems la..
1/21/2006 12:01:15 AM vince: tonsillitis: think i wasn't good enough for her in the 1st place..
1/21/2006 12:01:16 AM vince: tonsillitis: =)
1/21/2006 12:01:38 AM Very Sad Penguin: hey man... we're never good enough in our eyes
1/21/2006 12:01:47 AM Very Sad Penguin: that's what makes love so great.. that she thinks you are
1/21/2006 12:02:03 AM vince: tonsillitis: haha
1/21/2006 12:02:05 AM vince: tonsillitis: thanks. =)

Love is weird, ain’t it?

Ask, and it will be given (Matthew 7:7-28)

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asked receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks, it will be opened.” - Matthew 7:7-8

Will pray for her. That’s all I can do for her now. And that’s the best I can do for her too! =)

tonsilitis?

Haven’t been home for quite a while. Been in camp since Tuesday till now. Didn’t feel like coming back. Just want to stay away from home for as long as possible. But body’s ‘malfunctioning’ these 2 days. Don’t really feel very good. Think flu’s going around lately. Seems like everyone’s down with fever, flu and cough. Jenje’s complaining about flu, cough and headache. Sigh. Gonna drop by her place tmr to see how she is. From what she’s telling me, think she most likely have got tonsillitis. Poor girl. Need to get her some Listerine mouthwash and cough syrup. Praying that everyone else is alright. Not really fantastic to be sick during the CNY period.

Speaking of which, don’t know why. Don’t really feel like, in the mood of CNY. It’s just like, another CNY, another public holiday. It just feels odd. Wonder why. Still remembering last year, she came over during CNY period. For reunion dinner, visiting, and just hanging around with the family. Had tones of fun with everyone and yada yada. Still remember when, my mum, and the 2 of us would sit round the living room table and play 21. Like, ER! Haha. She would always win. Don’t know why. Always called her my 'lucky star'. Haha. Guess, won’t be playing much blackjack this year. Promised not to gamble. *shrugs* Just hope that this CNY would be a peaceful one. Foreseeing so many trials ahead. *sigh*

Risk
Took a really huge risk on Tuesday night. Initiated the idea of bringing the entire platoon out for soccer and basketball. Wanted the platoon to bond through the games, and just to have some fun together. With Zal’s help, out we went. Yet, it was not ‘official’. If anything were to happen, the 2 of us would have our heads laid on the chopping board. Thank God nothing happened. Everything was fine. Everyone had good fun. Was really glad that everyone returned to their bunks with a smile on their face. Could sense that they actually appreciated it.

Sick
Started to feel really off after that night’s sleep. Woke up with a bad headache, and funny feeling in the throat. Don’t think I’ve got tonsillitis, but might be some funny flu virus running riot in me. Felt really lethargic. And it kinda got worse today. Don’t think the chlorophenamine’s working. Just made me drowsy and really feel like sleeping. But didn’t really help with the flu. My nose was like a broken tap! UGH! totally disgusted. Wondering if i can make it camp tomorrow. Don't feel like taking another MC to stay home and rot again. Don't wanna stay home. Don't know how to face them. Sigh. I need a hug again. tsk tsk.

Courses
Starting to think what would I be doing when I ORD. There would be a period of say, 2months? Before school starts. Anyway, hoping its NUS! Well, considered picking up a language course. Was contemplating between “conversational Malay” at Bishan CC or “Thai language” at TPY CC. Guess, I’ll be taking Malay 1st. Will leave Thai till another time. No one around here to speak Thai to. Haha. Think I’ll sign up this weekend or the weekend after CNY.

And also, considered settling some ‘unfinished business’ at Tae-kwon-do. Not to forget, kayaking 2 star. Anyone interested in joining any of the courses? Malay, kayaking, TKD? A weird idea of learning motorbike came across my mind, but I don’t think neither mum nor dad would allow. So, owell. *shrugs*

I’ll always be here for you..

“though one might prevail against another, two will withstand one. A threefold cord is not quickly broken” – Ecclesiastes 4:12

Where ever you are, whatever you are doing, I will be praying for you. If you ever need anyone, don’t ever forget to look up and talk to God, and also, don't forget to look back here, back home. For, there are many who care for you, who miss you and love you. We'll all be here for you. Jenni & Jenje, pals, buddies, brothers and sisters, friends - everyone, us. Don't forget that alright sweetie? May He carry you on His shoulders whenever you're down; may He guide you and lead you into the light in darker times. God bless. Luv ya. *hugs*

Monday blues. What the..

Yesterday

Went swimming after blogging yesterday. Wanted to get in the sun, but it was shrouded by the clouds. And the sunlight came right after leaving the pool. Darn. Went coffee bean for cheese cake and apple and raisin strudel with TJ. Had some milk and water.

After which, left for church service. Nearly dozed off during sermon. Darn. Guess I was just too sleepy. Had to keep myself awake with Fishermen’s Friends. Felt happy, to be singing songs of praise with everyone else. =) Zhiyong’s down with stomach upset. Think he’s kinda dehydrated. Told him to drink more water and rest up. Guess, its good to be a medic spec. Get to learn some basic medical stuff and give people a lil help. *grins*


Didn’t feel like going home. Sigh. Don’t know why. Guess, only she knows my problems. Went straight to camp and met Neo. Had dinner and went to the gym. Didn’t really liked the gym at 1st. Thought that it’s the place where insecure guys would go, (woops!) to beef themselves up and hence getting a better toned body and therefore boosting their confidence. Well, guess I’m becoming one of those insecure ones now. Haha. Totally lost it.

Thank you ruotian, for constantly telling me that I should be the confident and charming Vincent like before. I’ll try and keep your words in my mind. Sometimes, it’s just hard. Haha. Maybe a little gyming can heal my bruised confidence, and perhaps ego.


The blues

Went to sleep at 12midnight. That’s when the Monday blues begun. And it triggered everything again. I dreamt. And dreamt. And dreamt. Of her. Sigh. Kept having images of her in my dreams. It was so real. Even thought that I was touching face. Guess I was just touching my bloody pillow throughout the night. Not a wet dream. Rather, a sweet dream. But, dreams have to end some time. And when I woke in the morning, felt aches in my heart rather than tender thoughts in my head. It took a very long while to get my drive back to teach properly. Really long. Images and more images. Felt like tearing my hair out of my scalp. Darn.

Felt that we did a good job in training today. Had fun with the entire platoon. It feels good to be respected by 40odd people. Sigh. Bad ego. Can’t help it when this kinda respect is earned through sincere hard work and professional teaching, and not mindless whacking and endless punishments which instills fear in them. Still, bad ego. Should stop feeling proud. It’s not good. *frown*

Went for a haircut after camp. Getting myself prim and proper for CNY. Walked past Ling’s house. Called her to see if she’s home. Wanted to ask her out for a drink. But she wasn’t. too bad. Went to the same old hair dresser. Still remember the times when she sat at the corner and looked at my hair getting trimmed. Those eyes. That smile. Still deeply imprinted in my head. The hairdresser would be ask her if she wanted to get her hair cut. She would always say no. That corner’s empty today. No one was sitting on it. Just like how I am empty now. Nothing in that bloody heart. A void. A vacuum.

Without me

Read Ling’s blog. She mentioned that, when we love someone, we would feel happy when we see them. That’s so true. And personally I feel, when we love someone, we should feel happy for them when they are happy. I should be feeling happy right now. Happy for her. And not be so darn glum each passing day. People are getting sick of my ‘un-smiling’ face. I should be happer for her. I want to.

She’s now at a place, with clear skies and beautiful beaches. The white sands and the warm sun. Seas without horizons. Skies litted up with millions of stars in the night. Meeting different people. Seeing different things. Staying in a house, surrounded by beautiful roses and pretty flowers. Experiencing the 4 seasons. These things you won’t see here in Singapore.

Eating Hagen Daas and Bens & jerries day in day out. I would have to skip a meal to buy a small carton. Being driven to school and back, being driven to different places in California. One day she would own her own car. And she’ll drive around the state. To parties, to bashes. She would no longer have to take 88 or 13 or 231 with back to her home with me. She’s at a place where The Apprentice is at 5th season when Singapore is still airing the 4th. At a place where people are open minded, and definitely kinder heart than here.

Burden

She no longer have to worry about me no more. Worry about me this, me that. She’s free. Still remembered, these words that she said to me the very day she finished her exams. “You are a burden. I don’t think I can fit you in right now.” Was it out of anger? Or was she too tired? I don’t know. But, I was labeled as a ‘burden’. I never was a burden in my ENIRE PITIFUL LIFE to anyone. NEVER. Yet, I became a burden to the girl, I gave my entire heart to. I was a burden to the one I loved so much that I would bleed myself dry for. I was a BURDEN. So long I kept these words inside me. Those words were carved on my very heart as she said it. It would remain on it forever. I, Vincent Poh, was a burden. A freaking burden. I don’t know why I’m saying all these now. I don’t know why I’m tearing again. But I just don’t understand. All I cared for was her. All I wanted the best for was her. Scrimped and saved every thing I have for her. Loved her so deep. Yet, I became a burden. Stayed up til 3am in the morning to wait for her to wake up, just to say good morning to her. Folded stars for her everyday when she left. Sent her stuff she needs as I sacrificed my own. All I wanted was to hear her voice. All I wanted was for her to spend a lil time with me. And, I was called a ‘burden’.

Maybe I got jealous too easily. I admit that I do. But I couldn’t help it. Its not that I didn’t trust her. I just didn’t trust myself. I wasn’t even confident in myself to begin with. She was too good to be true. Never felt worthy of her. An angel she was. Bright, pure. I was tainted. Blemished.

Now, I guess life would be so much better without me. No need to report to anyone. Just go anywhere she wants. Parties, stay-overs, what have her. She no longer needs to worry about my feelings anymore. Do anything she likes. Like she always wanted. Like she was born to do. Just be free and independent. I’ve always been a hindrance. A boulder she always had to drag. Now she’s free from my chains, she should be happier. She can concentrate on her studies and realise her dreams. Guess she would never be able to do that with me. I’ve always wanted to share my dreams with her, and have been doing my best to make her proud. Now, I’m doing it for no one. No one appreciates. Not even my parents. Maybe God does. I don’t know. I just hope that she’s happier without me. Life should be so much better. But why I’m a still so selfishly praying? Cause I’m a freaking worthless maggot.

Faded feelings

We MAY have feelings for each other. But a wise man told me. “Feelings come and go. One day, she’ll find someone new, and you’ll find yourself staring at blank space.” I’ve been a bastard and I still am. My feelings for her are still strong. Yet at the same time, I’m just waiting for hers to fade. Deep down I’m still praying. But, her feelings for me will fade one day. And that’s the day when I’ve lost the battle. And I know I’ve been an absolute bastard and I detest myself. One day, she’ll lose the feelings. One day, I’ll just be a stranger. One day, when we see each other on the street, it’ll be nothing more than, “HI! How’re you? Well, gotta go. See ya around?”

One day, she’ll find someone who’s better than me. Someone with a better heart than me. Someone good looking. Someone smarter. Someone who can love her with his entire heart too. Someone who’s able to accept her everything and someone she would love. He would have her. Play with her long, beautiful hair, hold her delicate hands and kiss her soft lips. Her prince charming. Her captain. Her tiger. Her sweetheart. Her love. Till that day comes, perhaps, I would still be praying for her. For me. For us. For I’m an idiot. A fool. A person who follows his heart, and not his brains. Right now, she picks up the broken pieces of her heart. One by one. Trying to piece them back together. But I’m still looking for mine. Wondering where the pieces are.

Shall I be presented another chance, I would take it. I would die to take it. This time, i'll make it right. This time, it WILL be right. For now we know, what're the problems. If only she would give me that chance. If at the end I'm with her, I'll take that chance.

"Darn you vincent." urgh.

sunny sunday

Tuition

Woke feeling really tired yesterday. Rather surprised to see the sun shining. Was expecting dark clouds and rain. A new day, a blessing. Gonna live it for God! =)

Went to Phyllis’ for tuition. Went through her math HW with her. Had to went through the formulas again with her.

(X+Y)^2 = X^2 + 2XY + Y^2
(X-Y)^2 = X^2 - 2XY + Y^2
(X^2 – Y^2) = (X+Y) (X-Y)

Was rather surprised how these formulas are SO stuck in my head. All thanks to the math teachers. =) Bless them. Without teachers, we wouldn’t very much be who we are today. Therefore, teaching is a GREAT thing to do. If anyone has got the gift to teach, and enjoy it, make it your career! =) just that, I find it rather hard to teach Eric. Haha. I wonder why. Still need her to teach him. Sighs.

Went to Jasmine’s after that. The ‘science experiment’ worked. The fungus on the bread was disgusting. Managed to teach her that this stuff actually needed sunlight and water to grow. That glow in her eyes, which tells me that she understands, is like. ‘woah’.

Gave her spelling and math too.

Fellowship

Went for youth fellowship. Discussed about the purpose of the fellowship, and our objectives. Did some Bible discussions. The fellowship would be on every Saturday evening. Might have a problem attending. Family commitments. Sigh. Have to reschedule my time. Would be able to make it somehow, I know it will. Trust in Him. Was like thinking, how I wish I could share the discussions with her. Owell.

Dinner with 6ists

Had dinner with my dearest bunch of pals. Alv, hoon, PE, Ber and Ling. People so different in personality and character and believes, yet so closely knitted together. Wonders! Well, guess ‘opposite attracts’ is very well demonstrated here. Everyone was wearing white, except PE. muahaha. Ber kept complaining that she’s tired and wants to sh**. Was telling her to go sleep on the toilet bowl. =P

Went pasta mania for dinner. Shared a hawaiin pizza with Ber. Hoon had mussles pasta I think. For a moment I thought she chowed down the shells too. Couldn’t see the shells as her arms were blocking it. Made a din out of it. *bleah* went to Serangoon Gardens Coffee bean after that. That’s were the riots started.

Started off, when Ber just looked around. And was like saying, “I heard someone calling my name” when there wasn’t. And ling went to say that there are many ‘Belinda’s around. And my BIG mouth just had to say, “Belinda’s very common. Unlike phuay eng, siewling, siokhoon, Alvin and Vincent.” Sighs……..

PE went like, “Alvin my ass!”
Ber went, “Vincent my foot!”

So, my dearest bud has become PE’s ass, and I’ve become Ber’s foot. And there goes the rattling about how I would be like, being her foot. Yadayadayada. Owell. Degraded my integrity, but, everyone was happy. That’s worth it. RIGHT? Right. Haha.

Lost wallet
For the moment, thought I lost my wallet. Took all the trouble to make police reports and stuff. Ended up, dropped it in Hoon’s car. Well, really near miss. Better be careful next time round.

The pain
The pain round my heart is here again. Darn. Especially when I inhale. Urgh. Sharp pain. Sigh. Think I should go out for some fresh air.

The real pain
Realized that, it’s not seeing couples walking down the streets that makes me feel odd. Not seeing boys and girls holding hands or hugging that made my nose stuffy, nor is it seeing them whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears that made me off. It’s those young, married couples wearing their plain clothes, going down the market for breakfast and grocery shopping that made me jealous. Haha. People might think I’m weird, but that’s what made me squirm at the thought of it.

Always dreamt of wedding bells and Sunday grocery shoppings with her. That was then. Now, each time I see a couple like that, sigh. She once said “we’ve established a link so strong, and reached a spiritual level so high that no one else had been before. We are no strangers to each other.” Yes. We had. But now, that link starts to disappear. The level deteriorates. Will try my best to salvage. Leave the rest to God. I don’t want to be strangers.

“the LORD is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed” – pslam 34:18

Maybe I’m too young to think of stuff like that. But, it’s always good to dream. Good to hope. =) use it as a motivation.

"Would you know my name? If I saw you in heaven?"
"Would it be the same? If I saw you in heaven?"

maybe, i just don't deserve anything at all.

情何物？

问世间，情为何物？
只教人生死相许。

天南地北双飞客，
老翅几回寒暑？

欢乐曲，离别苦
最终更有痴儿。

君应有语，
渺万里层云？

千山暮水，
只影响谁去？

----------------------

惟惟，我情为何物？

friday the 13th.

Its Friday the 13th. Her favourite day of the year. "Weird day to be a fav day" some people might say. I find it pretty interesting, and rather cute. For her birthday falls on Friday 13th, May. Won't be celebrating this Friday 13th. Its just another day for me. Another day filled with thoughts and more thoughts. Hope that she would be having fun. Her fav day.

Sigh. I need HUGS! someone!!

Money can’t buy happiness

Have been saving up since last August. Wanted to go over to CA this June after ORD. Also saving up to get her a lap top she needs for college. Now, doubt that she wants my help, and even tougher for me to go over. Can’t possibly impose the family for weeks for no good reason. I’m no one to them. Just another friend of hers.

Hence, don’t know why. Started splurging, buying new stuff for myself. Clothes, jeans, books, and many other stuff. It felt good buying something for myself, plus a few shirts for dad. Only till today when she told me to save up, I woke up. Have really been spending so much. What happened? Why so impulsive? Spending almost 3 quarters of what i saved. Sigh. I don’t know. I thought shopping makes me happy. It does. The prospect of something new and fanciful. But the happiness doesn’t last. That wasn’t the happiness that I needed. This happiness is vile. sigh.

Drafted a list of stuff to buy, but this time not for me. =)

Library-SIM
Went to SIM today with Ling. Accompanied her because she’s still kinda down. Waited for her in the library while she was having lecture. Used the comp there and helped jess with her resume. Her English’s just so good. My English totally sucked compared to hers. No wonder she got the top in level during Whitley days. Stopped chatting when she had to do her math. Went to the study tables and did my own bible reading and read the book “vince and joy” PE bought yesterday. Borrowed it from her. Sigh. What a coincidence. Right on the 1st page of this book, it talks about the main character, Vincent who’s 30+, broke up with his wife Jess. I was like, huh?? What on earth…

Felt kinda uncomfortable reading. It was cold. Chest felt tight. No relapse though. phew.

Was wondering why Grace kept avoided me during 'Blatant Claps'. Got a sms from her. Now I know. Sigh. Just how many people have I hurt in my life so far? Perhaps I'm just a bastard. Sigh.

Library-AMK
Went to AMK library to study with Ling. She still seemed down. Don’t know how to console her sometimes. Felt so helpless. Was sitting at the café. Looking at her so sad and distracted, makes me wonder how was I like a few weeks back. The depression period when I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and felt like puking. Sigh. Closed my eyes and did a little prayer for her again. Then, we went up to e 2nd level because it was too noisy downstairs.

Sat at the couch, and I showed this to her. Hope it helped her.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will…” -Matthew 6:25

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” -Matthew 6:34

Siewling, do not worry about what will happen in the future. Whatever will come, will come. One day, he WILL come to realise that, it was HIS loss to let you go. How many times in a lifetime, we can find someone who really loves us wholeheartedly? I only know that God loves us unconditionally. But for someone to love us as a person, with all the flaws we have? I think, only once. You tried to make him understand, you tried your best. Like what Alvin said, “There’s only this much you can do. You’ve done your best. Its up to the other party to decide” I guess, he might just live to regret this moment of his life. So do not worry. Show it to him that you can live your life better without him. If one day he comes back, it would be a fairytale and you will be happier than ever. If not, you pity him. And not pity yourself. Because he lost you. Someone who can love him more than he can imagine. Harsh all these might sound yet it’s the way it is.

Yes perhaps I might be procrastinating. Saying all these when I myself might not be able to do everything. But I’m at the same time trying not to worry about tomorrow, for only He knows what will happen tomorrow. Now I’m just trying my best, even though it seems hopeless sometimes. But each day I still pray. Cause, I don’t want to live my life with regrets, regrets of not trying. Don’t know what will happen, don’t know if a fairytale might happen or I’ll get hurt again. But I know God will help me no matter what happens. That’s His promise. And I trust Him.

“And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:20

Homework with lil’ sis Jenje
Met Jenje at AMK library. She wanted to meet to discuss homework and I wanted to discuss the Bible with her. She tied her hair up today. No more hats. Looked so much cuter! “GOR GOR!!!” she shouted when she saw me at the pathway outside library. Haha. Good to see her again. CUTE!

Took a picture of her and ling at the bus-stop. Jenje and I were teasing Ling about her, erm.. Vertical challenges. And Jenje guessed that Ling was, 16? Haha. Funny. They called each others ‘sisters’. So sweet. Went to Macs to help Jenje with her HW. Math, science, art, Chinese and history. She’s pretty good at math. Actually, very good at it. Helped her with her Chinese and history more. Very hardworking girl. =)

Discussed about Genesis of the Bible. How God created the earth. Why was it created And how God decided the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ things like ‘light’ and ‘darkness’. Guess, with this little knowledge that I have, I can only help her this much. But whatever it is, its better than nothing. Nothing beats the feeling of helping someone getting closer to God. *cheers!*

Sent her back home cause it was getting dark. She was talking about ghost stories of her new school, and asked what happens if she sees one. Was telling her that it would be more afraid of us, than we afraid of it. Just trust in the Lord, and ask it to leave in the name of Jesus. sigh. Kid's imagination. Kinda tough to handle sometimes. *shrugs*

Then she was telling me what she’s looking in a boyfriend. Haha. She’s so like her sister. Nonetheless, told her NEVER to get into a relationship at this age. NEVER. And she said, “yes gor”. *grins* Good girl!

ROC meeting
Met up with Derek, hong, monkey, yiting for ROC meeting at Bishan Macs. Tried to finalise what programmes we want for the camp. Contemplated whether if I wanted to give up the responsibility of “programme head”, and just be a fringe helper of the camp. Realized that I don’t have a lot of time. But, upon much consideration, I think I should do it. Helps me keep me occupied. =)

Think we’re having something like “fright night”. Yaay!

Talked to ting about Teaching Award and Science-Chem in NUS. Now I REALLY REALLY want to go NUS. Haha. Will pray about it. Hope I get it. Really really hope I get it. Sigh.

Carl cancelled her tuition tmr. bday celebration. Haven’t got any presents yet. Sigh.

problem after problem

Thank you for asking me how I was. Thank you for telling me that you still care. Thank you for letting me know that I was never a mistake. Thank you for not hating me. Thank you for forgiving me. It gives me a little courage to hope, to have faith and love. I don’t know what’s going through your head, how you are feeling. I don’t know what you are doing, what are your plans. All I know, things have changed, things will change. But, some things never change. Right? Carino Mio?

Shopping
Went Bras Basah with PE. Wanted to accompany her to get her reference books. Was walking in the rain from City Hall to the complex. Didn’t really bothered if I was in the rain, or whether it was cold or not. Just had this feeling that nothing would happen. Maybe because of that phone call. Felt so much better. It did wonders I guess. Praise the Lord! =) Haha.

She bought for a total of $150++ worth of books. Stunned. She nearly bought the entire bookstore. Decided not to go out with jenje cause it was raining quite hard. Asked her to go back home straight after school. Didn’t want her to get caught in the rain.

And I ended up getting so much stuff. A capo, an exercise mat, 2 no.4 classical guitar strings, 2 Christian books from Popular. One named “Faith, Hope, Love.” The other’s for me to keep for someone important in the future. =) Bought acrylic paints for my Chinese paintings, a gift for her, and lastly, a sandwich at the coffee bar inside Popular. Felt hungry all of the sudden.

Saw the acoustic guitars at this shop. They sounded really really nice. Think they would be getting it for me?? right?? Hahah.. 21st birthday. Wondering how my 21st birthday would be like. So much have changed. Had dreams of celebrating my 21st in front of the webcam. Now, I don’t know. Haha.

Wanted to get the Zen Neeon at Sim Lim. Decided in the end not to. $300. A bit hefty. Perhaps after this month?

Dinner
Met up with Ling for dinner. She’s so upset. Sigh. Why is everyone having emotional problems? Tried to console her. Went to AMK hawker. She only had ½ a mug of sugar cane. PE had fishball noodles. Sent PE back after that.

Went for a spin with Ling. Spent sometime consoling her. Hugged her for a while. (she did say I’m very ‘huggable’ *bleah*) Hope it helped. Prayed for her. Pray that she would have the courage and strength to pick herself up once again. To move on. Thinking of it, it is not her lost. When she puts in so much effort for the person, loving so deeply, yet that love is not accepted or appreciated, it is not her lost. It is HIS lost.

“The greatest challenge in our life is to find that someone who loves us for who we are, despite our flaws and shortcomings.” That is so true. I found mine. I lost it. It’s my loss Ouch. Am I waiting hopelessly? I don’t know. Sigh. Breathless again. I need a hug.

Hoon!
Hey hoon! Don’t worry. When you go over to China, we’ll ALL miss you. Now, don’t start crying yet. We all know that everything would be just fine. And we’ll celebrate your birthday over the internet with you!! Hehe.. lend you my webcam ba! So we can all see you.. or maybe leave it here so you can see us! Haha.. no worries.. we’ll all be here, waiting for you to come back, share your stories and experienced! We’ll miss you, but hey, its only 6 months. Not 6 years!

Maybe we’ll take a HUGE photo and POSTER-IZE it.. so you can paste it on your wall to see.. =)

Morning Rain; Daily Pain

Raindrops patter against the windows. The handphone phone alarm went off. It was 0545hrs. Time to get up. A new day waits. As I sat up, removing the blanket that has kept me warm throughout the night, a cold chill shivered down my spine.

Out of the sudden, I felt someone was suffocating me, as though someone was strangling me. It wasn’t my imagination, nor was it a ghost or any thing supernatural. ‘darn’, I cursed myself. It’s back again. Months back, I got this virus, which time to time causes my trachea to contract, and making me unable to breathe for that moment. I got it once again.

Momentarily, I couldn’t breathe. I got scared, like I always did. This time, I got even more scared. I don’t know why. No one was around me. No one. I couldn’t call anyone. I couldn’t breathe. It lasted for 5seconds. I broke out in cold sweat. I was scared. Why back again? Why? I thought it’s all over. Memories flash backed. The 1st time I got it was during our 1st “honeymoon” at the chalet. I suffocated, rushed to the toilet. I tried to breathe. I couldn’t. It lasted for around 20secs. I was really scared. But I felt brave, I felt okay. Cause, she was beside me. The fear in her eyes I saw. Fear of losing me. I was happy. Cause even if I were to die that day, I would die a loved man. Love from someone I dearly love. Now, I’m so scared. I’m so afraid.

I remembered the doctor told me that the virus I got must have got it from someone else. And I know who it came from. It’s no one’s fault. It’s God’s will. It evolved in me. And remains in me. It doesn’t spread. Its just me. It’ll come during cold weathers. I didn’t expect to come this time.

I felt dizzy after those 5 seconds. I sat on my bed. Tried calming myself down. Saw white spots in front of my eyelids. My heart raced as my breathing become normal. Felt horrible. I’m all alone at home. I shut my eyes and prayed. Felt better.

Just as I was about to leave my bed, a stabbing feeling came right on top of my heart. The same feeling I had 2 months back. Consulted a doctor back then, and he told me it was a muscular-skeletal problem. My heart was perfectly fine. Just had to rest in a comfortable position. I tried adjusting myself. Found that position where the pain was least severe. And rested. It went away minutes after. Why are all these happening to me at the same time? As a form of punishment? Perhaps. And I am totally deserving.

Called back camp. Don’t think I can make it today. Took a warm shower and changed into something warm. Packed my stuff into the crumpler pouch, and went off for the clinic. Nearly fainted when I saw the queue. At least 50people in front of me, most are senior citizens waiting for blood tests and consultation. As I joined the queue, it happened that I was right outside of the shelter. The clinic wasn’t opened yet as it was too early.

‘drip’. ‘drip’. Water rolled down my cheeks, down my neck. Was it the rain? I guess it was.

‘drip’. ‘drip’. Water rolled down my cheeks, down my neck again. Was it the rain? It felt warm. No. It was tears. Again! ‘darn it Vincent!’ I yelled at the back of my head. ‘stop it!’
Took off my glasses, wiped them away. I don’t think anyone saw me. Even if they did, they would just turn away. So many people in the world, yet how many of them knew how I felt? A handful? One? Maybe only one. And not to forget, God. I felt helpless. Alone. For that moment. I hated myself. I hated everything. I started praying once again.

One month ago, I dug myself a trench. A trench so deep, I can’t climb out. A trench filled with thorns of regrets, a trench of darkness and pain. I’m trying to remove the thorns piece by piece, as I try to make my way out of it. But each time I remove a thorn, I drop a tear. Now, so much tears have accumulated, I’m drowning.

The queue started moving. Got my queue number. Sat outside the consultation rooms. I prayed, and read the Bible. Exodus, when Moses was tasked by God to rebuild the tabernacle. As I read. I waited. Waiting for my turn. A message came from camp. Asking me to take care. ‘thank you.’ I replied. Unwittingly, I looked into the ‘save folders’. Messages from her, just 2months back. ‘I’m bursting in love with you’ it said. ‘ouch’, I said to myself. So painful. Just again, I felt a pain in my chest. This time, it’s no muscular-skeletal problem. Its my heart. It felt so painful, I couldn’t bear it. It was like; it’s encaged in pins and needles. Each time it beat, it hurt a bit. Felt like stopping it from beating. Felt like ending it this instant. But I can’t. God wouldn’t allow me to. I would be sinning the worst sin. I have to bear with it for I know He’s there with me, hugging me with his big, warm arms.

My turn came. And doctor examined me. X-rays and stuff. ‘its an viral infection’ he said, ‘probably triggered by the weather. Try and relax and keep yourself warm.’ ‘I don’t think we have got any medications here to neutralize the virus. If it gets worse, we’ll refer you to a specialist’. Been there, done that. The specialist didn’t even know what was wrong.

‘thank you sir.’ I said. Guess, I just have to take my medications, once again, just like before. Salbutamol, ventolin puff. Hopefully it would go away soon. Just that this time, there wouldn’t be anyone to nag at me to do it. No one to remind me.

Went to the dispensary and took my queue number. Sat down and my thoughts started to wander off. There were times before, when I had a relapse, and it lasted so long that I felt my body was deprived of oxygen. I felt burning sensations in my muscles, seeing white spots in front of me. It almost felt like I was going to die.

‘What if I really do?’ I asked myself. ‘What if my Lord decided to call me back? And bestows me my salvation? What would happen?’

‘What happens to my family? Dad, mum, Eric? Friends? The 6ists? Camp mates? Church? Scouts? Buddies? How would they feel? Would they mourn? Would they cry?” I think they will. Mourn for the loss of someone they once cared for. Loss of their child, brother, good friend. Its so scary to think of this. So so scary.

‘What about her?’ I questioned. Would she cry? Would she grief? If so, for the lost of a lover? A friend? A shadow? Or just a stranger? When my body is being placed in that open coffin, and my salvation comes as I leave my earthly body, how would she feel? I don’t know. I wish I could know, but I don’t think I’ll ever know. All I know is, I don’t want to leave this place as yet. Not when there’s so much to be done. So many battles to be fought. So many things to learn. So much to love.

She just called, not long ago. And asked how I was. It was good to hear her voice once again. But my heart ached as we talked. She seemed so cheerful and happy over the phone. She seemed to have got over everything and I’ve not. I’m still reminiscing every piece of memories that we have. Every detail of her face. Every touch of her hair. Wish I could hug her again. Wish I could tell her I love her again. But I can’t. Maybe in the future I might have another chance. Maybe not. Whatever it is, I’m trusting God.

All I’m doing now is pray for her. That she would realise her dreams of teaching back here in Singapore. Teaching history, inculcating drama in it. She would be a great teacher with great aspirations. This is her home. Her true home. Where her friends are. Where her roots are. I pray for her. And now, that’s how I feel closer to her. By praying.

I’m preparing myself for another relapse. I can feel it coming anytime now. I’m feeling slightly breathless. My ventolin’s just in front of me, below the monitor. And my keyboard’s damp with tears. My eyes swollen from sadness and fear. I want to sleep. For as long as I can. I want to escape. Escape into His arms where I would be happy for all eternity. I hate myself for hurting her so badly. She’s been a darling. Really.

Worthless Love

12 months of Love.
Passion, Hopes and Dreams.

Deep & Surreal – Unforgettable

One lifetime of Regrets.
Pain, Ache and Hell.

Living & Real – Unbearable

Love is now Lost.
Yesterday, Today but Tomorrow?

Curse & Swear – Unforgiving

My heart is Hers
History, Present, and still Going

Foolish & Naïve? – Unregrettable

An empty Vessel
Becoming the shadows of her damaged soul
Nothing left to give her,
But only - My worthless Love.

God's love

reading back on the previous entry.. realised how crappy it was.. wrote it in the midst of so much frustration.. nonetheless, was thinking about it.. makes some sense some how.. thinking back on the book, “five people you meet in heaven” by mitch albom.. perhaps, she is one of the 5 people God wants me to see when i’m dead.. the very person who has changed my life so much.. making me into another person, with different perspectives of life.. in one year, I guess, i’ve changed so so much.. its beautiful to think of it this way.. a lesson learnt, an experience gained..

yet, all these at the expense of beautiful dreams and goals.. but, who knows.. one day, might just be able to realise those dreams.. just, trust in God, as she would say.. =)

tearing so easily
went up to talk to Jolene before the M-obstacle course.. she was stoning.. wondering what’s wrong.. and her msn nick for the past few days were like.. hmmm.. ya.. so asked her how she was.. as we talked, we both told each other that we think too much.. and suggested that we stop doing that.. haha.. and we moved on to me.. was like telling her, everything happened because of my big mouth.. and hating myself for that.. she was like, “okay.. don’t think so much.. “

just suddenly, she said, “Vincent, relax! Ur eyes red red liao..”.. and she started fanning my face.. I was like.. “huh.. is it?” sigh.. why am I tearing so easily? wasn’t like that.. not at all..

tuition
tuition at bryan’s yesterday morning.. did a little math test.. he did quite alright.. just that he was kinda lazy to put in some thought for those tougher questions.. and a bit slow in doing them.. couldn’t finish the 6 questions in time.. left the rest for HW.. and he didn’t memorise his periodic table!! Argh…!

Phyllis came in half way through tuition.. good to see her again.. cute as ever.. had a really punkish hairstyle.. and she pierced her tongue!! OUCH! “didn’t hurt at all” she said.. but, still.. imagine something poking through your tongue? even being a medic seeing needles almost every other day, I get those creeps down my spine.. wonder where she got that courage from? praying that it doesn’t get infected..

helped her with her composition.. “responsibility” was the title.. helped with the introduction, and roughly went through with her how the 400word essay could go.. her responsibilities to her parents, friends, school, and God..

found her this:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the 1st commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Ephesians 6:1-3

Orchard with jenje
YES PE! i went out with a jenje.. hee.. well, met her up for lunch cause she wanted to get a pencil case.. asked me to bring her down to Heeren’s to get the billabong pencil case.. got her a little prayer book for her.. for her to write down all the prayers she has, in case she forgets.. and got her to memorise the Lord’s prayer.. (Matthew 6:9) explained it to her, and why we say the prayer everyday if possible.. happy! teaching someone, something today! haha.. teaching/sharing is just so so fun! *grins*

went to the Turkish restaurant at Far east for lunch.. she had a sandwich and me c rice.. and took a video of her getting the ice cream.. the ice-cream guy played with her for REALLY VERY long before giving her the ice cream.. haha.. cute..!

got a crumpler pouch for myself.. 42bucks! ouch.. was contemplating between green and black.. got the black.. had a little help from jenje.. =) and she got her HUGE pencil case.. why do girls always need such a huge pencil case?


God loves me.. and all His children
God works mysteriously.. just in a matter of month, i lost someone, making me so depressed.. I still am.. but, He constantly reminds me that, He loves me.. and, His love is the greatest.. indeed, I lost a huge chunk of my heart.. but, He’s always been there for me.. helping me through this bad patch.. always reminding me that, He’s got a plan for me.. a purpose for me.. and now, I feel that, my purpose is to help the younglings under my tuition..

it came upon me that, people are looking upon me for help, for advises and a listening ear.. especially these kids.. all coming from different background, different family, facing different problems.. looking at them, kids this young, at the age of 13, planning to look for a part time job to help out with parents to settle bills and earn her own pocket money? goodness, 13! what on earth was i doing when I was 13? sitting home playing computer games everyday…?

the magnitude of the problems they face is so much for someone that age to handle.. innocent they may be, yet the world we live in this day is just so realistic and harsh.. my own problem compared to them, is just.. nothing.. God made me realise these.. He’s always there..

a couple of them got retained due to poor results, and face the possibility of being discriminated by fellow classmates.. one, lost her dad when she was really young..

i think i can help them.. with the grace, strength and wisdom from the Lord.. i hope that i can help them in everyway possible.. and, i pray that God will carry them on His shoulders as they walk these difficult paths..

she was right.. why worry about tmr? why worry if there’s still a chance? for each day has got its own worries! certainly hope that i can live by each day, remembering it.. because its difficult not to think about tmr.. nonetheless, God loves us.. God loves me.. God loves her.. so do i.. so do i..

fate? destiny? coincidence? nope. God.

remembering 2 days back, saturday, in siokhoon's car driving down braddell road.. looking at ALL the tall, HDB flats.. looking at all the vehicles on the road.. i asked myself, at this instance, how many people am i staring at now? that HDB, easily 500? the other, 300? plus the cars? so so many..

yet, each day we don't get to knock on the HDB houses and actually meet those who live there; we don't wind down our windows while on the road to talk to the motorist beside us(that's kinda dangerous la...).. so many people walking beside us each day, so many sitting with us in the same MRT train.. but, how many of them do we actually know? how many of them do we actually have affections for? so so few..

these days, after going through so much ups and downs, i get to know many things.. and today, i realise that, we do not choose who we want to meet.. God does.. some people call it fate, some people call it destiny or coincidence.. but, i believe that's what God wants..

in Genesis1:3-5 "and God said, 'let there be light,' and there was light. and God saw that light was good. and God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light Day, and the darkness Night. and there was evening and there was morning, the first day."

the universe was created by God.. it didn't just come from no where.. He created everything.. He knew what was good(light), what was bad(darkness).. He created Adam, the 1st human from dust.. and made Adam in His own image.. He does miracles..

without Him, nothing we see on earth, would be what they are today.. or perhaps, there wouldn't even be earth.. it is all in His plans.. being the creator of the universe, everything comes from Him.. from landscapes like the mountains and the seas, to the smallest like cells and molecules, all comes from Him.. 6 days.. all in 6days He created..

hence, it is all in His plans, who our parents are, whether if we have brothers and sisters.. and also, who we would meet.. but, like how God has granted Adam free will, the free will to name the animals of the new created world, naming the horses "horse", the the eagles "eagle", everything..! we are given the freedom of choice too! like, how He let Eve choose and decide, whether if she should eat the fruit of wisdom of Good and Evil.. its because, He loves to see us participate.. choose what we want.. we ARE created in His glory, and for His joy.. it pleases Him..

now, the few people we call 'friends', had once crossed our paths days, months or even years ago.. it was us, with the wisdom, knowledge and courage from God, that we CHOSE to befriend that person.. like, how the 6 of us are still so closely bonded.. after so many years! so much happened during sec 3 and 4, yet now, we're still so close.. cause, we chose to BE together.. and that certainly pleases Him.. i don't think i can still stand face to face with my sec 1 class mates.. people like.. saravanan, people like, june hwa and tell him things from the bottom of my heart.. i won't be able to tell him my darkess secrets or my family issues.. perhaps, "hi! how're you? what you up to lately?" would be what i would say..

looking back, SO many people crossed my path.. but, i only have these few good friends, these few true loves.. i believed, i made the decision and God permitted.. for He did not stop me.. and i don't regret it.. perhaps, i regretted not putting in the effort to know more people, but i'm certainly glad that i have who i am with now, and certainly sure i will put in my bestest effort not to lose, any one else, that i love..

many a times, we walk pass, or cross someone's path, we would just walk pass.. without lookin at him/her.. why?

many a times, we have friends or people we truly love.. yet, we decide to let go.. and become shadows of each other.. forgetting the memories.. why?

why can't we just love, and hold on to what we used to cherish? because, we CHOSE not to.. for whatever mistakes we make, God forgives.. 1John9: "if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." from mistakes that we make, we learn.. and become a better person.. this could possibly be the chance for one to strengthen his/her friendships, relationships.. getting things right.. holding onto dreams.. but, sometimes, we just CHOOSE not to.. why? .....

because we're scared..

we hide.. we cry.. we turn to God.. for answers.. but, it is in His time that these answers would come.. what else can we do? but to pray, and wait.. God loves us all.. i just hope, i don't do things that i'll regret ever again.. but, i also know, that no love is greater than His love.. for now, i pray..

come home soon/ bizzare love

come back soon

i put away the worries, and i take my daily bread.

i dream of your arms around me, as i tucked the kids in bed.

i don't know what you're doing, and i don't know where you are.

but i look up at that great big sky, and i hope you're wishing on that same bright star.

and i wonder, and i pray.

i sleep alone, i cry alone,

its so hard living here on my on.

so please, come back soon, come back soon.

i know that we're together, even though we're far apart.

i wear our memories and promises, round my neck pressed to my heart.

and i wonder, i pray.

i sleep alone, i cry alone,

its so hard living here on my on.

so please, come back soon, come back soon.

still remember your touch.

its beautiful missing something that much.

sometimes love needs a fighting chance,

so i wait for my turn, until its our turn to dance.

and i wonder, i pray.

i sleep alone, i cry alone,

without you, my heart is all alone...

so please, come back soon..

i try alone, and i wait for, don't want to die alone..

so please, come back soon.. come back soon..

-

bizzare love

everytime i think of you,

i get a shot right through into a bolt of blue.

its no problem of mine, but its a problem i find,

living a life that i can't leave behind

there's no sense in telling me,

the wisdom of a fool won't set you free.

but that's the way that it goes, its what no body knows,

and everyday my confusion grows

everytime i see you falling

i get down on my knees and pray

i'm praying for that final moment,

that you, say the words that i can't say

i feel fine and I feel good

i feel like i never should

whenever i get this way i just don't know what to say

why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

i'm not sure what this could mean

i don't think you're what you seem

i do admit to myself that if i hurt someone else

then i'd never see just what we're meant to be

everytime i see you falling
i get down on my knees and pray
i'm praying for that final moment,
that you, say the words that i can't say

-

time heals all wounds?

many people out there tell me, 'time heals all wounds'. especially those wounds that are deep inside us. maybe so, maybe not. to me, time perhaps, doesn't heal wounds. they make us forget about everything. as time passes by, if one person chooses to ignore and hide, those issues would only be piled up, at the back of the head, temporarily be surpressed. but if something triggers off certain things, all will bounce back into the face again..

as time passes by, everything starts to fade away.. even if you love someone so deeply before, yet as time passes by, that love will fade.. its a startling fact.. sigh

for the past, 3 days, its been rather.. painful.. as hard as i try, to not think about certain things, trying hard not to miss her, not to hate myself, its just so difficult..

fever..
well, i didn't have a fever.. she did.. and it rose to 40+ degree celcius.. only got to know it through the emails.. i don't know. felt so darn worried and scared, that her body would collapse or something.. its that kind of worry, i felt for her, when she was still with me.. that kind of worry, i won't have, for a normal normal friend.. i had urges to call her up, and ask her how is she.. yet, i'm afraid that i would be disturbing her work and stuff.. haven't heard her voice, for a very long while.. i don't know.. why am i still like that?

i'm hate myself.. for doing things i did.. i was asking myself, if things haven't turned out this way, i would really wanted to just fly over, and take care of her.. make her some porridge like what she did for me.. change her head towel to cool her down, giving her medication and stuff.. pretty naive thoughts i have, but those were what i could have done.. if i hadn't.. i can't forgive myself..

tuition: carl
carl called for tuition again.. i was rather shocked to hear from her.. remembered that time, i refused to tutor her, because i wanted to spend more time with jess while she was still in singapore.. now, sigh..

went to her place this morning.. as i was queuing, waiting for the bus, i just suddenly turned and looked at the pillar just behind the line.. memories started filling my head again.. remembering once we hugged beside the pillar, just being really nice, and saying 'i love you'.. then there was this old lady who walked pass and said "shameful....!".. we laughed our heads off.. now, i stand in the queue, just thinking about the 'would have beens'..

as was boarding the bus, the images of her just keep flashing in my head.. i still, love her..
when i got to carl's place, i felt really drained.. but, tried to put on a smile to teach.. started with a little prayer, praying that God would give me the wisdom and strength to tutor her with my best ability.. things started off well, teaching simple maths.. but, suddenly came this question "you still together with her?" i said no..

goodness sake, she kinda smirked at me.. it seemed to me like, she was expecting it, or like, 'you deserve it' kinda face.. i don't want to speak ill of anyone.. maybe it was my wrong perception and i was really drained.. i just felt.. really down.. throughout, i was wondering.. if i was really worthy of her.. perhaps, i'm not.. i never was..? i'm just not good enough..

tuition: jasmine
went to jasmine's for tuition.. on the way there, i kept praying on the bus.. that if He would, tell me what i should do.. i'm trying to tell myself, to give up.. to just, be normal.. but, the fact is.. the feelings are still there..

even when i went to jasmine's place, i thought i could put all these thoughts away for the moment.. just, concentrate.. then half way through science, jasmine asked, "vincent kor kor, when is your girlfriend coming back? i want to see her.." i was like, goodness.. she sounded so soft, so innocent.. it really felt difficult not to start tearing.. but, managed to hold it back.. could only tell her, i don't know.. it was so heart breaking.. so so.. sad..

supper with ling and ber
went for supper with them on friday night.. ling drove us to balestier's teochew porridge.. had quite a lot of stuff... even tried the pigs intestines.. were talking, wonder why, was like saying that i'm not that attractive and stuff.. won't be having pretty girls as my gfs.. then they were like, "jess is HOT" "jess is sweet".. it was like.. ouch.. really ouch.. began to hate myself.. again..

lunch with jenje
went out to lunch with jenje.. asked me out cause she wanted to treat me for buying her the comics.. had pasta mania.. she had creamy chicken pasta and me, cesar salad(one of the cheaper 1s i could find).. she dressed up really different from other normal girls.. and siokhoon said she was pretty.. nice features.. she tells me that she misses jess, how she used to sing in the toilet, how she used to ask for hugs and scold them for not doing their hws..

found out that she's not having proper bible study lessons.. so decided to help her out with her bible studies, and she seemed really excited about it. now she calls me 'big brother' in her sms's.. i know, that i should help her in everyway possible.. knowing the problems that she might face in the future, i try and help.. yet, at the same time, seeing her.. sigh.. why can't i be like her? just, let go and move on? why must i still pray day and night, trusting in Him that a miracle would happen? i'm not doubting God.. but, it takes 2 hands to clap.. i'm only one hand myself.. why do i still hope? why? how much can one dimunitive person like me do? why can't i just move on? darn me..

blatant claps
went for the SIM productions.. 'blatant claps' with the gang.. belinda wasn't there.. tian and boon kiong were there too.. the 3 plays were rather thought intriguing.. hard to understand.. especially the 1st one.. about, job retrenchment.. too, abstract..

half way through, it just striked a chord in me, that she loves drama and stage play too.. started imagining things.. and, started.. to think of the 'what ifs' again.. hated myself again.. prayed for almost 10mins half way throught the 1st play..

siewling was the receptionist for the play.. she looked really sweet in her white pink striped top.. gave her the flowers i promised.. hope she had fun celebrating..

dreams
for the past 3days, i tried very hard not to think about stuff as much as i could.. just concentrated on the work on hand.. i managed to handle that quite well, apart from certain times where i just drifted into wanderless thoughts again.. yet in the night as i slept, for the 3 nights, every night, without fail, i dreamt of her.. it was the same 3 nights, that she fell ill.. i don't know what this could mean.. logically speaking, coincidental.. yes, i think so too.. but, just why.. do i have to start worrying so much, about her, when she doesn't wish to be back together? why can't i just accept that simple fact?

am i really so deeply in love with her? i guess so.. its not an obsession.. its not possesive.. 1corinthians: love is patient, love it kind.. if i could, i would really wanted to try again.. i always thought of marrying her.. but, no.. i was wrong.. i'm hating myself again.. for saying silly things.. its all coming back once again.. trying so hard to give up, yet, reality slaps me back in my face once again.. i just can't let go.. WHY!?! why so i just have to love her so whole-heartedly??

guess, i've always been yucky as a person.. i thought i found my angel and i really wanted her to stay badly.. but, being an angel, she wouldn't have any problems looking for someone better.. perhaps, that's why.. sigh.. that's why i can't let go, but, she can.. is it?

encouragement to give generously/the cheerful giver
2corinthians8:15
As it is written, "Whoever gathered much had nothing leftover, who ever gathered little had no lack."
2corinthains9:6-7
The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.
Each one must give as he has made up his mind, not relunctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

how much am i going to give into this?

i'm not alone

been praying to God for help.. to help me everyway possible.. if He would, remove the pain that i'm suffering.. carry me on His shoulders.. deliver me from evil and stop this mental torment i'm going through..

and, God being the most loving and merciful, gave me my friends.. i felt loved today, i felt being cared.. not the romantic love which i've lost, but, friendships and companions and brothers & sisters... indeed, its a HUGE gap that i've got to fill up.. but, i know as long as i trust in Him and have faith, all is well.. =)

just maybe, one day, that huge piece of me which i've lost might come back again.. well, that's my best case scenario, but it seems that i've got absolutely no confidence in myself for that to happen0.. perhaps i wasn't good enough in the first place.. just praying and leaving everything to Him now.. the ball is under her feet.. not mine.. *smile*

basketball!
played basketball in the morning once again played with tian.. the court was empty cause SCHOOL REOPENED! thanks tian, for accompanying me.. even when you slept so late, and waking up at 4 to watch the Man Utd vs Arsenal match which wasn't supposed to be televised yesterday! haha.. thanks for being there all these while.. just, listening to my sorrows and see me sob and putting a pat on my shoulder.. it was fun today.. really.. thank you so much!

oh, heard you wanted to beat me the next time you play 1on1 basketball with me? haha.. i'll consider letting you win la.. all you have to do is say 'please...' heheh.. *bleah*

shopping/lunch/chit-chat
went to j8 to have lunch with hoon and PE.. ber supposed to come too.. but, guess she's too tired.. hope she's doing fine.. will be praying for her..

walked around j8 alone cause PE was late and Hoon's interview ended at 1130 when we were supposed to meet at, erm, 1130.. HOON! i've got confidence you'll get your exchange programme.. no worries about it! haha.. its this gut feelin that i have.. and, my gut feeling never fails me.. =)

saw shirts at U2 which i thought were nice.. they were on 40% discount.. just that we cannot bring back for exchange and refund.. haha.. once sold, considered sold.. haha.. when PE came, asked her which shirts were nice.. bought 2 shirts from U2 for dad.. one checkered red, the other blue.. think i look quite okay in them, but its for dad.. too bad.. haha.. maybe can 'share' with him? usurp them.. *evil thoughts*

bought another shirt from seiyu.. red.. dad didn't really like it, but owell.. he's got to wear it one day.. was contemplating between red, blue and yellow.. ended up choosing red cause, PE thought the yellow was very puah peh(sick) looking.. and the blue was rather hard to match.. haha.. its always good to have girls around when we're shopping.. they give good, and critical comments! =)

hoon came, and we had lunch at the food court.. spent another 45mins sitting there talking about our sec school days after finishing our food.. haha.. awesome.. hoon's trying to recall what happened during her sec 3&4 days.. she's got totally no memories of them.. incredible! was thinking maybe because she wasn't feeling really that good during that time.. that's why.. and, we all realised that we LURVE our sec 2 days.. still remembered all the fun things we used to do together.. and having 8 prefects in that class.. fond memories! if only we could turn back time, and be young once again.. came a point that hoon was saying that i was rather 'garang' during sec 2.. more like 'angry juvenile' i think.. picking fights with you-know-who(coward cum talk big only).. woops.. i shouldnt' be saying bad things, but, i'm not saying who right? owell..

so gonna miss this kind of lunch sessions when everyone's school reopens.. sigh.. gonna miss your company.. all the best anyway! esp hoon! haha.. eh, can try to miss me not argh? haha..

prayer book
went to popular to buy a little note book.. this book's gonna be my prayer book.. want to write down in it everything that i've got to pray.. so many things in my head.. can't remember them all.. using this book.. yups..

guitar
played the guitar after coming home.. the more i played, the more i think my singing's like crooning.. ARGH! need to attend some singing lessons.. hmm.. maybe i can start doing that.. hahah.. been trying to play 'come home soon' by SHEdaisy and 'bizzare love' by frente.. don't know why wanted to play these songs.. they are sad songs, but.. in no mood to play nice songs.. guess, they very much express how i'm feeling now.. and, what i'm thinking of.. yeaps.. especially 'come home soon'..

exercise/ dinner w tj
its a blessing to lose 8kg in 2 weeks.. to a certain extent.. felt that i should keep my weight down.. so went to play ball again.. and actually wanted to go swimming w tj.. ended up, after playing ball, i walked down to the pool from whitley, then jogged back home.. not bad.. that was at least 1+km? haha.. with my big bag of swimming stuff and basketball.. cause tj had to do some bidding tonight, so just met her up for dinner.. rushed home to shower and change.. went for qiu lian ban mian at s11, bishan.. talked about uni stuff, and crapped about somethings else..

she can be so crappy at times.. haha.. cool to have a sister like her! =) God bless you, and hope that you'll find the courage to solve your problems sister.. have faith in Him! sister, check these out..

"they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isiah 40:31

"rejoice in hope, be patient in tribultation, be constant in prayer" Romans 12:12

"endurance produces character. and character produces hope." Romans 5:4

jenje msged
its the 1st day of school.. jenje msged to tell me how it was.. she seems to be having fun.. happy for her.. kept complaining that balestier hill's too big, too slopey.. haha.. i was like, its a HILL! said that her class's really quiet and shy.. guess, can't be expecting too much from a bunch of 13year olds, their 1st day in sec school? haha.. certainly pray that she'll do well for her sec school.. =)

still missing her
well, finding it hard at times not to think of her.. every corner triggers memories.. its hard, but i've got to try.. move on, and just pray.. every single wretched place.. the basketball court where she used to sit by the side seeing me play.. my house where she used to have dinners with my family.. U2 where we bought my 1st flower shirt.. the swimming pool where she wore the pink bikini i bought her.. Ban mian at s11.. soya bean at prime mart.. so much.. so many things.. its so much easier to be at a whole new place, where she is now.. if only my brain works like Windows Xp which's got a recycle bin.. if only i could turn back time.. but, i'm not God.. i can only pray..

trick question!
what do you call the elbow and ankle in chinese?