Out of the sudden, I felt someone was suffocating me, as though someone was strangling me. It wasn’t my imagination, nor was it a ghost or any thing supernatural. ‘darn’, I cursed myself. It’s back again. Months back, I got this virus, which time to time causes my trachea to contract, and making me unable to breathe for that moment. I got it once again.
Momentarily, I couldn’t breathe. I got scared, like I always did. This time, I got even more scared. I don’t know why. No one was around me. No one. I couldn’t call anyone. I couldn’t breathe. It lasted for 5seconds. I broke out in cold sweat. I was scared. Why back again? Why? I thought it’s all over. Memories flash backed. The 1st time I got it was during our 1st “honeymoon” at the chalet. I suffocated, rushed to the toilet. I tried to breathe. I couldn’t. It lasted for around 20secs. I was really scared. But I felt brave, I felt okay. Cause, she was beside me. The fear in her eyes I saw. Fear of losing me. I was happy. Cause even if I were to die that day, I would die a loved man. Love from someone I dearly love. Now, I’m so scared. I’m so afraid.
I remembered the doctor told me that the virus I got must have got it from someone else. And I know who it came from. It’s no one’s fault. It’s God’s will. It evolved in me. And remains in me. It doesn’t spread. Its just me. It’ll come during cold weathers. I didn’t expect to come this time.
I felt dizzy after those 5 seconds. I sat on my bed. Tried calming myself down. Saw white spots in front of my eyelids. My heart raced as my breathing become normal. Felt horrible. I’m all alone at home. I shut my eyes and prayed. Felt better.
Just as I was about to leave my bed, a stabbing feeling came right on top of my heart. The same feeling I had 2 months back. Consulted a doctor back then, and he told me it was a muscular-skeletal problem. My heart was perfectly fine. Just had to rest in a comfortable position. I tried adjusting myself. Found that position where the pain was least severe. And rested. It went away minutes after. Why are all these happening to me at the same time? As a form of punishment? Perhaps. And I am totally deserving.
Called back camp. Don’t think I can make it today. Took a warm shower and changed into something warm. Packed my stuff into the crumpler pouch, and went off for the clinic. Nearly fainted when I saw the queue. At least 50people in front of me, most are senior citizens waiting for blood tests and consultation. As I joined the queue, it happened that I was right outside of the shelter. The clinic wasn’t opened yet as it was too early.
‘drip’. ‘drip’. Water rolled down my cheeks, down my neck. Was it the rain? I guess it was.
‘drip’. ‘drip’. Water rolled down my cheeks, down my neck again. Was it the rain? It felt warm. No. It was tears. Again! ‘darn it Vincent!’ I yelled at the back of my head. ‘stop it!’
Took off my glasses, wiped them away. I don’t think anyone saw me. Even if they did, they would just turn away. So many people in the world, yet how many of them knew how I felt? A handful? One? Maybe only one. And not to forget, God. I felt helpless. Alone. For that moment. I hated myself. I hated everything. I started praying once again.
One month ago, I dug myself a trench. A trench so deep, I can’t climb out. A trench filled with thorns of regrets, a trench of darkness and pain. I’m trying to remove the thorns piece by piece, as I try to make my way out of it. But each time I remove a thorn, I drop a tear. Now, so much tears have accumulated, I’m drowning.
The queue started moving. Got my queue number. Sat outside the consultation rooms. I prayed, and read the Bible. Exodus, when Moses was tasked by God to rebuild the tabernacle. As I read. I waited. Waiting for my turn. A message came from camp. Asking me to take care. ‘thank you.’ I replied. Unwittingly, I looked into the ‘save folders’. Messages from her, just 2months back. ‘I’m bursting in love with you’ it said. ‘ouch’, I said to myself. So painful. Just again, I felt a pain in my chest. This time, it’s no muscular-skeletal problem. Its my heart. It felt so painful, I couldn’t bear it. It was like; it’s encaged in pins and needles. Each time it beat, it hurt a bit. Felt like stopping it from beating. Felt like ending it this instant. But I can’t. God wouldn’t allow me to. I would be sinning the worst sin. I have to bear with it for I know He’s there with me, hugging me with his big, warm arms.
My turn came. And doctor examined me. X-rays and stuff. ‘its an viral infection’ he said, ‘probably triggered by the weather. Try and relax and keep yourself warm.’ ‘I don’t think we have got any medications here to neutralize the virus. If it gets worse, we’ll refer you to a specialist’. Been there, done that. The specialist didn’t even know what was wrong.
‘thank you sir.’ I said. Guess, I just have to take my medications, once again, just like before. Salbutamol, ventolin puff. Hopefully it would go away soon. Just that this time, there wouldn’t be anyone to nag at me to do it. No one to remind me.
Went to the dispensary and took my queue number. Sat down and my thoughts started to wander off. There were times before, when I had a relapse, and it lasted so long that I felt my body was deprived of oxygen. I felt burning sensations in my muscles, seeing white spots in front of me. It almost felt like I was going to die.
‘What if I really do?’ I asked myself. ‘What if my Lord decided to call me back? And bestows me my salvation? What would happen?’
‘What happens to my family? Dad, mum, Eric? Friends? The 6ists? Camp mates? Church? Scouts? Buddies? How would they feel? Would they mourn? Would they cry?” I think they will. Mourn for the loss of someone they once cared for. Loss of their child, brother, good friend. Its so scary to think of this. So so scary.
‘What about her?’ I questioned. Would she cry? Would she grief? If so, for the lost of a lover? A friend? A shadow? Or just a stranger? When my body is being placed in that open coffin, and my salvation comes as I leave my earthly body, how would she feel? I don’t know. I wish I could know, but I don’t think I’ll ever know. All I know is, I don’t want to leave this place as yet. Not when there’s so much to be done. So many battles to be fought. So many things to learn. So much to love.
She just called, not long ago. And asked how I was. It was good to hear her voice once again. But my heart ached as we talked. She seemed so cheerful and happy over the phone. She seemed to have got over everything and I’ve not. I’m still reminiscing every piece of memories that we have. Every detail of her face. Every touch of her hair. Wish I could hug her again. Wish I could tell her I love her again. But I can’t. Maybe in the future I might have another chance. Maybe not. Whatever it is, I’m trusting God.
All I’m doing now is pray for her. That she would realise her dreams of teaching back here in Singapore. Teaching history, inculcating drama in it. She would be a great teacher with great aspirations. This is her home. Her true home. Where her friends are. Where her roots are. I pray for her. And now, that’s how I feel closer to her. By praying.
I’m preparing myself for another relapse. I can feel it coming anytime now. I’m feeling slightly breathless. My ventolin’s just in front of me, below the monitor. And my keyboard’s damp with tears. My eyes swollen from sadness and fear. I want to sleep. For as long as I can. I want to escape. Escape into His arms where I would be happy for all eternity. I hate myself for hurting her so badly. She’s been a darling. Really.
Worthless Love
12 months of Love.
Passion, Hopes and Dreams.
Deep & Surreal – Unforgettable
One lifetime of Regrets.
Pain, Ache and Hell.
Living & Real – Unbearable
Love is now Lost.
Yesterday, Today but Tomorrow?
Curse & Swear – Unforgiving
My heart is Hers
History, Present, and still Going
Foolish & Naïve? – Unregrettable
An empty Vessel
Becoming the shadows of her damaged soul
Nothing left to give her,
But only - My worthless Love.
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