Went swimming after blogging yesterday. Wanted to get in the sun, but it was shrouded by the clouds. And the sunlight came right after leaving the pool. Darn. Went coffee bean for cheese cake and apple and raisin strudel with TJ. Had some milk and water.
After which, left for church service. Nearly dozed off during sermon. Darn. Guess I was just too sleepy. Had to keep myself awake with Fishermen’s Friends. Felt happy, to be singing songs of praise with everyone else. =) Zhiyong’s down with stomach upset. Think he’s kinda dehydrated. Told him to drink more water and rest up. Guess, its good to be a medic spec. Get to learn some basic medical stuff and give people a lil help. *grins*
Didn’t feel like going home. Sigh. Don’t know why. Guess, only she knows my problems. Went straight to camp and met Neo. Had dinner and went to the gym. Didn’t really liked the gym at 1st. Thought that it’s the place where insecure guys would go, (woops!) to beef themselves up and hence getting a better toned body and therefore boosting their confidence. Well, guess I’m becoming one of those insecure ones now. Haha. Totally lost it.
Thank you ruotian, for constantly telling me that I should be the confident and charming Vincent like before. I’ll try and keep your words in my mind. Sometimes, it’s just hard. Haha. Maybe a little gyming can heal my bruised confidence, and perhaps ego.
The blues
Went to sleep at 12midnight. That’s when the Monday blues begun. And it triggered everything again. I dreamt. And dreamt. And dreamt. Of her. Sigh. Kept having images of her in my dreams. It was so real. Even thought that I was touching face. Guess I was just touching my bloody pillow throughout the night. Not a wet dream. Rather, a sweet dream. But, dreams have to end some time. And when I woke in the morning, felt aches in my heart rather than tender thoughts in my head. It took a very long while to get my drive back to teach properly. Really long. Images and more images. Felt like tearing my hair out of my scalp. Darn.
Felt that we did a good job in training today. Had fun with the entire platoon. It feels good to be respected by 40odd people. Sigh. Bad ego. Can’t help it when this kinda respect is earned through sincere hard work and professional teaching, and not mindless whacking and endless punishments which instills fear in them. Still, bad ego. Should stop feeling proud. It’s not good. *frown*
Went for a haircut after camp. Getting myself prim and proper for CNY. Walked past Ling’s house. Called her to see if she’s home. Wanted to ask her out for a drink. But she wasn’t. too bad. Went to the same old hair dresser. Still remember the times when she sat at the corner and looked at my hair getting trimmed. Those eyes. That smile. Still deeply imprinted in my head. The hairdresser would be ask her if she wanted to get her hair cut. She would always say no. That corner’s empty today. No one was sitting on it. Just like how I am empty now. Nothing in that bloody heart. A void. A vacuum.
Without me
Read Ling’s blog. She mentioned that, when we love someone, we would feel happy when we see them. That’s so true. And personally I feel, when we love someone, we should feel happy for them when they are happy. I should be feeling happy right now. Happy for her. And not be so darn glum each passing day. People are getting sick of my ‘un-smiling’ face. I should be happer for her. I want to.
She’s now at a place, with clear skies and beautiful beaches. The white sands and the warm sun. Seas without horizons. Skies litted up with millions of stars in the night. Meeting different people. Seeing different things. Staying in a house, surrounded by beautiful roses and pretty flowers. Experiencing the 4 seasons. These things you won’t see here in Singapore.
Eating Hagen Daas and Bens & jerries day in day out. I would have to skip a meal to buy a small carton. Being driven to school and back, being driven to different places in California. One day she would own her own car. And she’ll drive around the state. To parties, to bashes. She would no longer have to take 88 or 13 or 231 with back to her home with me. She’s at a place where The Apprentice is at 5th season when Singapore is still airing the 4th. At a place where people are open minded, and definitely kinder heart than here.
Burden
She no longer have to worry about me no more. Worry about me this, me that. She’s free. Still remembered, these words that she said to me the very day she finished her exams. “You are a burden. I don’t think I can fit you in right now.” Was it out of anger? Or was she too tired? I don’t know. But, I was labeled as a ‘burden’. I never was a burden in my ENIRE PITIFUL LIFE to anyone. NEVER. Yet, I became a burden to the girl, I gave my entire heart to. I was a burden to the one I loved so much that I would bleed myself dry for. I was a BURDEN. So long I kept these words inside me. Those words were carved on my very heart as she said it. It would remain on it forever. I, Vincent Poh, was a burden. A freaking burden. I don’t know why I’m saying all these now. I don’t know why I’m tearing again. But I just don’t understand. All I cared for was her. All I wanted the best for was her. Scrimped and saved every thing I have for her. Loved her so deep. Yet, I became a burden. Stayed up til 3am in the morning to wait for her to wake up, just to say good morning to her. Folded stars for her everyday when she left. Sent her stuff she needs as I sacrificed my own. All I wanted was to hear her voice. All I wanted was for her to spend a lil time with me. And, I was called a ‘burden’.
Maybe I got jealous too easily. I admit that I do. But I couldn’t help it. Its not that I didn’t trust her. I just didn’t trust myself. I wasn’t even confident in myself to begin with. She was too good to be true. Never felt worthy of her. An angel she was. Bright, pure. I was tainted. Blemished.
Now, I guess life would be so much better without me. No need to report to anyone. Just go anywhere she wants. Parties, stay-overs, what have her. She no longer needs to worry about my feelings anymore. Do anything she likes. Like she always wanted. Like she was born to do. Just be free and independent. I’ve always been a hindrance. A boulder she always had to drag. Now she’s free from my chains, she should be happier. She can concentrate on her studies and realise her dreams. Guess she would never be able to do that with me. I’ve always wanted to share my dreams with her, and have been doing my best to make her proud. Now, I’m doing it for no one. No one appreciates. Not even my parents. Maybe God does. I don’t know. I just hope that she’s happier without me. Life should be so much better. But why I’m a still so selfishly praying? Cause I’m a freaking worthless maggot.
Faded feelings
We MAY have feelings for each other. But a wise man told me. “Feelings come and go. One day, she’ll find someone new, and you’ll find yourself staring at blank space.” I’ve been a bastard and I still am. My feelings for her are still strong. Yet at the same time, I’m just waiting for hers to fade. Deep down I’m still praying. But, her feelings for me will fade one day. And that’s the day when I’ve lost the battle. And I know I’ve been an absolute bastard and I detest myself. One day, she’ll lose the feelings. One day, I’ll just be a stranger. One day, when we see each other on the street, it’ll be nothing more than, “HI! How’re you? Well, gotta go. See ya around?”
One day, she’ll find someone who’s better than me. Someone with a better heart than me. Someone good looking. Someone smarter. Someone who can love her with his entire heart too. Someone who’s able to accept her everything and someone she would love. He would have her. Play with her long, beautiful hair, hold her delicate hands and kiss her soft lips. Her prince charming. Her captain. Her tiger. Her sweetheart. Her love. Till that day comes, perhaps, I would still be praying for her. For me. For us. For I’m an idiot. A fool. A person who follows his heart, and not his brains. Right now, she picks up the broken pieces of her heart. One by one. Trying to piece them back together. But I’m still looking for mine. Wondering where the pieces are.
Shall I be presented another chance, I would take it. I would die to take it. This time, i'll make it right. This time, it WILL be right. For now we know, what're the problems. If only she would give me that chance. If at the end I'm with her, I'll take that chance.
"Darn you vincent." urgh.
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