friday the 13th.

Its Friday the 13th. Her favourite day of the year. "Weird day to be a fav day" some people might say. I find it pretty interesting, and rather cute. For her birthday falls on Friday 13th, May. Won't be celebrating this Friday 13th. Its just another day for me. Another day filled with thoughts and more thoughts. Hope that she would be having fun. Her fav day.

Sigh. I need HUGS! someone!!

Money can’t buy happiness

Have been saving up since last August. Wanted to go over to CA this June after ORD. Also saving up to get her a lap top she needs for college. Now, doubt that she wants my help, and even tougher for me to go over. Can’t possibly impose the family for weeks for no good reason. I’m no one to them. Just another friend of hers.

Hence, don’t know why. Started splurging, buying new stuff for myself. Clothes, jeans, books, and many other stuff. It felt good buying something for myself, plus a few shirts for dad. Only till today when she told me to save up, I woke up. Have really been spending so much. What happened? Why so impulsive? Spending almost 3 quarters of what i saved. Sigh. I don’t know. I thought shopping makes me happy. It does. The prospect of something new and fanciful. But the happiness doesn’t last. That wasn’t the happiness that I needed. This happiness is vile. sigh.

Drafted a list of stuff to buy, but this time not for me. =)

Library-SIM
Went to SIM today with Ling. Accompanied her because she’s still kinda down. Waited for her in the library while she was having lecture. Used the comp there and helped jess with her resume. Her English’s just so good. My English totally sucked compared to hers. No wonder she got the top in level during Whitley days. Stopped chatting when she had to do her math. Went to the study tables and did my own bible reading and read the book “vince and joy” PE bought yesterday. Borrowed it from her. Sigh. What a coincidence. Right on the 1st page of this book, it talks about the main character, Vincent who’s 30+, broke up with his wife Jess. I was like, huh?? What on earth…

Felt kinda uncomfortable reading. It was cold. Chest felt tight. No relapse though. phew.

Was wondering why Grace kept avoided me during 'Blatant Claps'. Got a sms from her. Now I know. Sigh. Just how many people have I hurt in my life so far? Perhaps I'm just a bastard. Sigh.

Library-AMK
Went to AMK library to study with Ling. She still seemed down. Don’t know how to console her sometimes. Felt so helpless. Was sitting at the café. Looking at her so sad and distracted, makes me wonder how was I like a few weeks back. The depression period when I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and felt like puking. Sigh. Closed my eyes and did a little prayer for her again. Then, we went up to e 2nd level because it was too noisy downstairs.

Sat at the couch, and I showed this to her. Hope it helped her.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will…” -Matthew 6:25

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” -Matthew 6:34

Siewling, do not worry about what will happen in the future. Whatever will come, will come. One day, he WILL come to realise that, it was HIS loss to let you go. How many times in a lifetime, we can find someone who really loves us wholeheartedly? I only know that God loves us unconditionally. But for someone to love us as a person, with all the flaws we have? I think, only once. You tried to make him understand, you tried your best. Like what Alvin said, “There’s only this much you can do. You’ve done your best. Its up to the other party to decide” I guess, he might just live to regret this moment of his life. So do not worry. Show it to him that you can live your life better without him. If one day he comes back, it would be a fairytale and you will be happier than ever. If not, you pity him. And not pity yourself. Because he lost you. Someone who can love him more than he can imagine. Harsh all these might sound yet it’s the way it is.

Yes perhaps I might be procrastinating. Saying all these when I myself might not be able to do everything. But I’m at the same time trying not to worry about tomorrow, for only He knows what will happen tomorrow. Now I’m just trying my best, even though it seems hopeless sometimes. But each day I still pray. Cause, I don’t want to live my life with regrets, regrets of not trying. Don’t know what will happen, don’t know if a fairytale might happen or I’ll get hurt again. But I know God will help me no matter what happens. That’s His promise. And I trust Him.

“And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:20

Homework with lil’ sis Jenje
Met Jenje at AMK library. She wanted to meet to discuss homework and I wanted to discuss the Bible with her. She tied her hair up today. No more hats. Looked so much cuter! “GOR GOR!!!” she shouted when she saw me at the pathway outside library. Haha. Good to see her again. CUTE!

Took a picture of her and ling at the bus-stop. Jenje and I were teasing Ling about her, erm.. Vertical challenges. And Jenje guessed that Ling was, 16? Haha. Funny. They called each others ‘sisters’. So sweet. Went to Macs to help Jenje with her HW. Math, science, art, Chinese and history. She’s pretty good at math. Actually, very good at it. Helped her with her Chinese and history more. Very hardworking girl. =)

Discussed about Genesis of the Bible. How God created the earth. Why was it created And how God decided the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ things like ‘light’ and ‘darkness’. Guess, with this little knowledge that I have, I can only help her this much. But whatever it is, its better than nothing. Nothing beats the feeling of helping someone getting closer to God. *cheers!*

Sent her back home cause it was getting dark. She was talking about ghost stories of her new school, and asked what happens if she sees one. Was telling her that it would be more afraid of us, than we afraid of it. Just trust in the Lord, and ask it to leave in the name of Jesus. sigh. Kid's imagination. Kinda tough to handle sometimes. *shrugs*

Then she was telling me what she’s looking in a boyfriend. Haha. She’s so like her sister. Nonetheless, told her NEVER to get into a relationship at this age. NEVER. And she said, “yes gor”. *grins* Good girl!

ROC meeting
Met up with Derek, hong, monkey, yiting for ROC meeting at Bishan Macs. Tried to finalise what programmes we want for the camp. Contemplated whether if I wanted to give up the responsibility of “programme head”, and just be a fringe helper of the camp. Realized that I don’t have a lot of time. But, upon much consideration, I think I should do it. Helps me keep me occupied. =)

Think we’re having something like “fright night”. Yaay!

Talked to ting about Teaching Award and Science-Chem in NUS. Now I REALLY REALLY want to go NUS. Haha. Will pray about it. Hope I get it. Really really hope I get it. Sigh.

Carl cancelled her tuition tmr. bday celebration. Haven’t got any presents yet. Sigh.