happy/sad christmas..

woke up to a rainy christmas.. refreshing.. and i felt, new.. probably from the sufficient sleep.. the rest of the day, has yet again turned out to be a roller coaster..

king kong
watched king kong with eric(jc friend) and tong jee.. it was really long.. quite a nice movie... but just couldn't understand why k.k. was so obsessesed with the girl.. WHY??

service, phone call and blog-vjienscse
went to the church with tj.. her 1st time there.. really glad that i could bring her there.. to attend the service and celebrate christmas with us..

half way through the service.. jess called on my phone.. she's been calling on the phone a couple of times.. didn't realise it.. picked up on the 4th time i think..

i thought, my prayers.. were answered...

just few days back.. i was asking, contemplating the idea.. asking God.. "Lord Father.. what should i do? you know my pains.. everything that i have come from you.. i want to give everything back to you if could.. but now, i'm in pain.. Father, should i wait for her? i know i still love her deeply.. i know i want her back, no matter how long it takes.. Father, i want to wait.. but, is that what you want me to do? would you give me the strength, courage and heart to hang in there? help me Father.."

i prayed for weeks.. with that.. i prayed.. till saturday, when i was all alone at home.. i looked back at everything.. all the photos.. everything that we used to share.. thinking of the places we went.. thinking of the things we've done together.. how it was like just a month ago.. 1 year.. i had this sudden surge of confidence to wait.. i thought, He gave me this confidence..

and, it became stronger when, i picked up the phone.. to hear her.. calling from the states, 2am her time.. i was really touched.. i didn't wanted to put down the phone.. talked about christmas celebrations, talked about giving my mum hugs, talked about eric, talked about jenje and jenni.. so much we still share.. maybe not as lovers but still as friends.. i thought, that was God's answer to me.. i felt so happy.. but, it lasted only for 3hours..

service ended, tj and i headed towards northpoint and got curry puffs for the pot luck, christmas dinner at alv's.. i never felt so happy, for 1 month.. NEVER.. i felt, so happy.. so confident.. i thought, i had His support.. little did i know.. when i looked at our blog.. she wrote this..

"my heart..i jus dont know what to say..a whole year of plannin..believing in a dream..gone down the drain becasue of heated words..suppressed feelings..*sigh* even if we do come back together..it will never be e same..how true it is when they say..u'll nvr marry the one u love e most..cos usually as i would personally feel..u match each other tooo well, it's weird..i've always felt my 1st love was joseph..but now i know..e one i'll hurt for most..cry for most..is vincent..not jus for the one year of memories.."

"i feel horrible for the man who comes after vince..i've nothing much left to give..worthless i am.."

"the end of a tale
a fairytale love
memories still linger
skin tingles
hearts skip a beat
ghosts of one another
a slight habit
a lil word
triggers the tears
but it's the end
period."

all these.. just because of something i said.. why can't i have another chance? i thought.. when we 1st parted, it was for the better of the relationship.. to let us learn more about God.. to know each other more as brothers and sisters of christ..

jessica, if you read this.. i want to know.. what do you mean by 'its the end? period' does it mean.. there's no chance of reconcilation? not at all? that you don't think i am the one? just because of something i said?

no one knew me better apart from God.. except you.. i thought, you would know that i didn't mean what i said.. now, i'm gonna live the rest of my life regretting them.. i still love you.. i wanted to wait.. but, would you want me to? would you.. give me another chance?

unless, tell me.. tell me that i'm not the one.. tell me you don't have feelings for me anymore.. let me grief.. let me be dumb, be stupid.. let me depress again.. but, don't tell me these if you still love me, if you still cherish everything we shared, and if you still believe in fairy tales.. cause, you know.. you do.. you still believe in fairy tales.. remember, when we first met, when we decided that we want this?? even though we know things would be hard, even though we know we would be physically seperated? we were prepared.. we took the challenge.. we don't have to let this go down the drain.. if you just give us one more chance.. if it doesn't work out in the end, if God doesn't want us back, so be it.. but.. sigh..

home
i'm home now.. its been a happy, yet sad christmas.. i'm in a total mess now.. so much to say.. but so tired.. if i could, i want to sleep forever.. just.. sleep.. never to wake up to all these worries.. all these troubles.. just want to see Him.. be in His arms for all eternity.. where His love protects me like how a mum protects her child.. if i could, i want to stop affecting my friends and family with all my depression i stuff.. i don't want to feel the pain.. why.. just because of things i said.. why.. i know.. i just know i've lost someone i love so dearly.. with all my heart and soul.. just to what i said.. out of foolishness.. she's given a lion's share of her to me.. and she's got nothing to give.. then perhaps.. i've given everything.. i've got nothing left.. because.. i really, really really do love her.. so much.. that.. i know i can wait.. years.. and for her, i could bleed myself dry.. i saw myself marrying her.. i cannot see myself doing marrying another person now.. and i don't think i would in a very long time..

i've made mistakes.. we all do.. i know my chances are slim.. but, jessica, da.. one chance..