the past 2 weeks, have been a total roller-coaster ride. emotionally, physically, mentally. well, got into a really heated argument with jess, which sparked the seperation. got really depressed about it.
and, know, it happened the following day i accepted Christ. i was so happy on day, the next day, pit bottom.
i accepted Christ on the 3rd of Dec. the news, came on the 4th. and, ever since then, thought i felt loved, and blessed the Lord, my emotions were hysterical. my body started chalking up funny signs and symptoms. so much happened in the 2 weeks. sighs.
depression
well, 1stly i got into depression. as days passed by, i started to realise that i'm REALLY losing someone that i really really love so much. it took some time to sink in. slowly, i couldn't eat. i found food, rather tasteless. food that used to be mouth watering, was.. yuk!
then, slowly, i got insomia. couldn't sleep in the night even though my body was really tired. it could be as bad as, trying to sleep at 10pm, fall asleep at 2am, and wake at 5am. it happened everyday. totally energy sapping.
soon, i turned bulimic. no joke. it felt terrible! for, 3-5 days, i didn't know why. i vomitted everything i ate. got the shock of my life! "what's happening to me?" i asked. started replenishing my energy with drinks like soya, milo. stuff like that.
scary thoughts started emerging in my head. thoughts that i shouldn't have even contemplated. thoughts, that would most certainly infuriate God. thoughts, that would definitely, let my parents and friends down.
isolation
i started to isolate myself. especially when i was at home. i didn't want to talk to anyone. didn't feel like, communicating. i started folding stars, doing a cross stitch (which i finished! its my 1st cross stitch!) for her. i had so much hope. i was, totally living in a world of my own. a world of "what ifs?"
praying
i remembered, that she told me that prayers are the most powerful 'weapons', cause, if you sincerely pray to the Lord, it certainly pleases Him. and He would answer your prayers. amazingly, i did pray to God, just this Novemeber, that if we were to go our seperate ways, please let her be the one who initiates it. because, its less painful on her side. i rather shoulder the pain, than to see her cry. IT HAPPENED! and, now, i'm still reeling from the pain of seperation.
low-esteem
as days went by, i started missing those sms she used to send. started looking at our photos, reading her letters over and over again. i felt so in love with her. yet, at the same time, i felt so lousy. i felt so useless. not able to do anything to savage the situation. it was the lowest pinnacle of my life. i thought i was a good, romantic boyfriend. making gifts, buying things, doing romantic stuffs like lining up light sticks that says 'i love you' at her block, flowers, poems, writing down in a diary, my daily accounts, since she's left, etc. i thought i did well. apparently not. i felt, so, low in confidence. now, i'm quite sure of myself. i've lost the confidence. now, i only want to lean on my friends, my family, God.
blessing
nonetheless, i prayed to God. to give me strength to get over this tough period of time. i wanted to find out the truth, that if she wanted me to wait. i couldn't get a definite answer. she's leaving everything to God too. i guess, its up to Him then. *smiles*
being the loving, living God, He understood my pains, and most definitely answered my prayers. i came to realise, that my family and friends were always there for me. people like, alvin, siokhoon, PE, siewling, belinda, raymond, tongjee, michael, my camp friends, rovers, my beloved mentor Zhiyong, and many many people.
they were all there for me when i needed them most. asking me out for stay-overs, movies, plays, parties, hangouts, dinners, suppers.. thanks guys. really appreciate it. especially Bud. you've been encouraging. the fact that, you've been through something like that, and looking so OKAY now, gives me the strength and motivation to move on.
and, not to forget my beloved family. remembering 2 days back, friday. i was talking to jess, and was then it sunk into me that, this seperation, was REAL. i was shell shocked. as i walked pass my living room, dad, mum and eric were watching some comedy. i went beside them, and said, "jessica and i are seperated now...." all of them were stunned. tears suddenly rolled down mum's cheeks. dad's face was emotionless, as he stared on the TV. eric didn't say a thing. i was so shocked. i expected them to say something like, "don't take it too hard son, it'll all be over. take this as a lesson learnt." NO! they didn't say a thing! i was.. stunned! i guess, they loved her too, and didn't see it coming. they were even saving up money to get air tickets for her. especially mum. she treated her like her OWN daughter. mum always wanted a daughter. hah. guess, they would be missing her.
but, they've been really encouraging after that too. dad has been trying to start conversations with me recently. asking me how was everything, if i needed money to get new clothes and bla. he even brought the entire family to shop for clothes. which's something that hasn't happened for years! and mum, hasn't been nagging at me even though i've been returning home late. guess, she knows i need time for myself. and eric, hasn't been bothering me with his weird enthics.
moving on
though, every corner i turn in Singapore, i sense her presence. everyway i go, i've been with her. my bed is filled with her soft toys. my table, all her photos. i guess, i've got to get used to it. its not easy, when i'm back here in on this island, where she is right over there. visiting the places that we used to go, brings back memories. even taking a bus shuttle triggers so much memories. her enchanting beauty. her voice. her bubbling personality. its so hard to swallow. but, i'm praying that, with His wisdom, God will help me through this.
thank you my friends, for being there, once again. thank you mum, dad, for being so understanding, and praise you Lord, for giving me strength to move on.
i'm hoping to start a new, finding faith in Him, and recovering my lost confidence. mum said i haven't smiled in a long while. i'll be looking for that smile. this, marks, my new beginning, my Genesis. a new life.
and, know, it happened the following day i accepted Christ. i was so happy on day, the next day, pit bottom.
i accepted Christ on the 3rd of Dec. the news, came on the 4th. and, ever since then, thought i felt loved, and blessed the Lord, my emotions were hysterical. my body started chalking up funny signs and symptoms. so much happened in the 2 weeks. sighs.
depression
well, 1stly i got into depression. as days passed by, i started to realise that i'm REALLY losing someone that i really really love so much. it took some time to sink in. slowly, i couldn't eat. i found food, rather tasteless. food that used to be mouth watering, was.. yuk!
then, slowly, i got insomia. couldn't sleep in the night even though my body was really tired. it could be as bad as, trying to sleep at 10pm, fall asleep at 2am, and wake at 5am. it happened everyday. totally energy sapping.
soon, i turned bulimic. no joke. it felt terrible! for, 3-5 days, i didn't know why. i vomitted everything i ate. got the shock of my life! "what's happening to me?" i asked. started replenishing my energy with drinks like soya, milo. stuff like that.
scary thoughts started emerging in my head. thoughts that i shouldn't have even contemplated. thoughts, that would most certainly infuriate God. thoughts, that would definitely, let my parents and friends down.
isolation
i started to isolate myself. especially when i was at home. i didn't want to talk to anyone. didn't feel like, communicating. i started folding stars, doing a cross stitch (which i finished! its my 1st cross stitch!) for her. i had so much hope. i was, totally living in a world of my own. a world of "what ifs?"
praying
i remembered, that she told me that prayers are the most powerful 'weapons', cause, if you sincerely pray to the Lord, it certainly pleases Him. and He would answer your prayers. amazingly, i did pray to God, just this Novemeber, that if we were to go our seperate ways, please let her be the one who initiates it. because, its less painful on her side. i rather shoulder the pain, than to see her cry. IT HAPPENED! and, now, i'm still reeling from the pain of seperation.
low-esteem
as days went by, i started missing those sms she used to send. started looking at our photos, reading her letters over and over again. i felt so in love with her. yet, at the same time, i felt so lousy. i felt so useless. not able to do anything to savage the situation. it was the lowest pinnacle of my life. i thought i was a good, romantic boyfriend. making gifts, buying things, doing romantic stuffs like lining up light sticks that says 'i love you' at her block, flowers, poems, writing down in a diary, my daily accounts, since she's left, etc. i thought i did well. apparently not. i felt, so, low in confidence. now, i'm quite sure of myself. i've lost the confidence. now, i only want to lean on my friends, my family, God.
blessing
nonetheless, i prayed to God. to give me strength to get over this tough period of time. i wanted to find out the truth, that if she wanted me to wait. i couldn't get a definite answer. she's leaving everything to God too. i guess, its up to Him then. *smiles*
being the loving, living God, He understood my pains, and most definitely answered my prayers. i came to realise, that my family and friends were always there for me. people like, alvin, siokhoon, PE, siewling, belinda, raymond, tongjee, michael, my camp friends, rovers, my beloved mentor Zhiyong, and many many people.
they were all there for me when i needed them most. asking me out for stay-overs, movies, plays, parties, hangouts, dinners, suppers.. thanks guys. really appreciate it. especially Bud. you've been encouraging. the fact that, you've been through something like that, and looking so OKAY now, gives me the strength and motivation to move on.
and, not to forget my beloved family. remembering 2 days back, friday. i was talking to jess, and was then it sunk into me that, this seperation, was REAL. i was shell shocked. as i walked pass my living room, dad, mum and eric were watching some comedy. i went beside them, and said, "jessica and i are seperated now...." all of them were stunned. tears suddenly rolled down mum's cheeks. dad's face was emotionless, as he stared on the TV. eric didn't say a thing. i was so shocked. i expected them to say something like, "don't take it too hard son, it'll all be over. take this as a lesson learnt." NO! they didn't say a thing! i was.. stunned! i guess, they loved her too, and didn't see it coming. they were even saving up money to get air tickets for her. especially mum. she treated her like her OWN daughter. mum always wanted a daughter. hah. guess, they would be missing her.
but, they've been really encouraging after that too. dad has been trying to start conversations with me recently. asking me how was everything, if i needed money to get new clothes and bla. he even brought the entire family to shop for clothes. which's something that hasn't happened for years! and mum, hasn't been nagging at me even though i've been returning home late. guess, she knows i need time for myself. and eric, hasn't been bothering me with his weird enthics.
moving on
though, every corner i turn in Singapore, i sense her presence. everyway i go, i've been with her. my bed is filled with her soft toys. my table, all her photos. i guess, i've got to get used to it. its not easy, when i'm back here in on this island, where she is right over there. visiting the places that we used to go, brings back memories. even taking a bus shuttle triggers so much memories. her enchanting beauty. her voice. her bubbling personality. its so hard to swallow. but, i'm praying that, with His wisdom, God will help me through this.
thank you my friends, for being there, once again. thank you mum, dad, for being so understanding, and praise you Lord, for giving me strength to move on.
i'm hoping to start a new, finding faith in Him, and recovering my lost confidence. mum said i haven't smiled in a long while. i'll be looking for that smile. this, marks, my new beginning, my Genesis. a new life.
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