new year's eve

waking up late
woke up real late.. 1130hrs.. was really tired.. tired of tonnes of things that i don't wanna think about.. got woke up the prudential girl, yanling's phone call.. said she needed my thumbprint for the giro to go through.. spent 2+ hours yesterday night writing a letter to jess.. turned out that, the letter was 6 pages long i think.. took me weeks to formulate my feelings and thoughts into words.. finally penned it down..

met her at tpy interchange at 1330.. she seemed the same.. friendly and warm.. thumb-printed the documents and she left.. remembering the previous time, when i was about to decide whether to take up the prudential saving plans policy.. i talked to jess about it.. and both decided it was good, in a sense that, the money saved, by 5,6 years, would have sufficient for us to supplement our wedding preperations.. but, that was then.. thinking back, it hurts again.. starting to hate myself.. *shrugs*

ber
met up with ber for lunch.. she accompanied me to send the parcel to jess.. in the parcel, there was the slippers, letter, new year card, cross stitch, jenje's necklace, and many other things.. had chicken cutlet rice and ber had hor fun.. as i was eating, realised that jess and i used to have that rice thingy at j8 foodcourt.. sigh.. memory flashing back again..

ber looked good today.. simple top and 3quarts.. simple and nice.. =) went to ps after lunch.. she met her mum and we said good bye after a while.. went to get my guitar strings.. had to sudden urge to fic my guitar and start tearing down the house again..

home alone
yeah, its new year's eve.. and was home alone the entire afternoon.. wanted to play basketball but it rained.. stayed home.. fixed the strings and started playing some songs.. time flew by.. and was really bored, and sad.. its new year's eve for goodness sake!! had the urge to play 'love me'.. but, resisted it.. memories again..

then, siewling msged on msn.. met her at bishan park.. she wanted to swing swing, so accompanied her..

memories flooding back again
went to bishan park.. saw this guy cycling.. as he apporoached me, realised that he's the whitley 4T class guy.. can't remember his name, but heard he got expelled.. know him thru relief teaching at whitley.. memories started flowing back, the days when i was teaching in her class.. yada yada..

he was like asking, 'mr poh, so how're you? still with jess?'

i was like.. 'no.. why?'

he laughed.. 'haha.. wasted la you.. she's so hot!'

ouch.

met ling.. walked to the other end of the park, only to find that it's been demolised.. the portion of the park, where jess and i used to talk, the swing we sat.. the playground, gone.. ouch. memories, flowing non-stop now.. walked back to the newer play ground.. as we were walking back, we were saying how stupid we were.. and how similar we are.. to be waiting for someone we love.. while walking, i can't help remembering those old days.. bishan park, a place of so many 1st times for us.. 1st kiss, 1st touch.. 1st outing, 1st hug.. so much.. wish i had the ability to stop remembering.. memories.. ouch.

we sat on the swings of the new playground.. talked about our problems.. we're just two idiots of love and romance.. though its rather encouraging to know that i'm not the only fool on earth! *bleahs*

those swings we sat, i sat with her too.. sigh.. remembered swinging 'top of the world' to her while we were swinging.. she could only sing the chorus that time.. haha.. wonder if she knows how to sing the entire song now..

"i'm on the, top of the world looking,
down on creation
and the only explanation i can find..
its the love, that i've found,
ever since you've been around..
your love puts me at the top,
of the world.."

new year..
its another, probably an hour plus to 2006.. really wish this new year, would be a good one.. God bless everyone..

decisions..

what should i decide on?

thinking back on yesterday.. came out of camp.. stopped at the traffic light.. asked myself, should i take the short ride on the opposite side of the road? take the buses down straight to bishan? or should i take a bus down to yishun train station? then take the train down? the train's gonna take quite a long while more.. and more expensive, and definitely more people especially when it's the peak period..

but don't know why.. i chose the train.. knowing all the troubles i have to go through.. i just went for it.. boarded the packed 169, towards the train station.. nearly fell down while the driver hit the brakes at the traffice lights, got pushed from the back.. alighted the bus, rushed up to the platform, and missed the train.. i thought, 'what was i thinking? i should have just took the buses and got to j8 fast and quick!'

guess, its just me.. knowing that, there are certain things in life, that would be rather disappointing at certain times, i would end up doing it.. hoping that, something nice would happen out of it.. something special.. something.. just something.. taking that risk.. sigh.. i'm on this path now.. to wait. for something, someone, who might not come back at all.. despite many discouragements from friends, i'm going for it.. hoping for something.. cause, i think, its worth it..

just for the record, the following train was totally empty when it came.. sigh.. am i a fool?

tuition

gave jasmine tuition.. realise that she has an interest for science.. primary 3 science nowadays are like primary 4 science in our days.. haha.. kinda tough.. they have to learn terms like 'micro-organisms' and 'classification' which i never heard of til like, sec school! haha.. just glad that she's fast learner, and that God's giving me this opportunity to help her out.. =) praise the Lord! hehe..

ROC meeting

went for the 1st ROC meeting.. weihong's the chairman.. kinda excited to work for him.. gonna be the programme head.. yeaps.. well, mixed feelings at the same time.. wondering if i could fine the time.. and if my emotions would be in the way.. sighs...

1corinthians13: the way of love

Love is patient, love is kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoice with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hope all things, endures all things..

......

So now, faith, hope and love abide, these 3. But the greatest of these is Love.

---

i'm keeping faith, hoping.. praying.. hoping that my love.. could endure all things.. God bless.

missing someone so bad..

stay in day
well, stay in day on wednesday.. had no night training in the night for the trainees.. do the night was relatively free.. decided to go the gym with fazli and markus.. was really down the entire day.. been thinking so much lately.. missing her so badly.. thought of tiring myself out at the gym so that i could, just knock out in the night.. haha.. was doing all sorts of exercises with the machines.. realised that i'm really FAT! urgh! esp. the belly part.. but, did slim down quite a lot after the 2 weeks.. haha.. mum keeping urging me to eat.. =P

ying jun came in half way.. don't know why he came! like, just came in and sat on the machine.. didn't do anything at all.. but, it was good to have him around.. our source of entertainment.. seeing him bickering with mark was quite entertaining for fazli and me..

went back bunk.. saw ivan at the lift lobby.. he was trying to remember the names of the ENTIRE platoon.. haha.. amazing!! he's also an aspiring teacher.. Geo teacher.. well, talked to him from 2230 to 0000hrs.. about everything.. people in camp, work in the society, our problems, etc etc.. got a shock when we finally realised that it was midnight when we decided to sleep.. ha!

thursday
feeling darn tired the entire day.. cause of the lack of sleep i think.. woke at 0515hrs to take the trainees for morning PT.. was super sleepy! as i was washing up, suddenly felt this ache in me again.. sigh.. was still thinking of her.. if i hadn't said the things i say, i would most probably be msging her before going for exercising.. asking her if she's dreaming of me, wishing that she's having sweet dreams.. but, guess.. sigh.. i've really been a fool.. an idiot..

slept in bunk in the afternoon.. fell so deep into sleep, that mark had to wake me up at 1730.. time to go home! haha.. went for dinner, changed, and left camp.. wanted to ask if ling was free.. but she's celebrating grace's bday at orchard.. asked me if i wanted to meet her at orchard.. contemplated, but, decided, perhaps, no.. too far and late.. lazy too.. met up with PE and hoon instead.. haha.. all 3 of us were coincidentally wearing jean material bottom and a black top.. thought we looked quite cool.. PE and i got the fried chicken thing at B1 j8.. went to interchange mac and talked.. talked about rovering.. realised that we all have a common person that we dont' really like in the troop.. sigh.. so much politics..

as time passes by, i realised that, we start to lose our innocence and begin to see the ugliness of this world.. politics, back-stabbing, grudges and hate, war and famine.. so much things in this world to worry about.. monetary concerns, family problems, friend problems.. how i wish we were still in secondary school, or perhaps even younger.. just having fun and playin around. no worries about the 'adult world'..

shopping
hoon and pe were shopping in the afternoon.. saw hoon in the shades she bought earlier.. she looked really cool.. just that she has to stop smiling.. =) right hoon? PE got a pair of white shoes.. very very princessy! haha.. nice! glad that she found a pair of shoes she likes, and could actually decide on buying it.. unlike someone...! =p

bought this bottle of 'vichy' facial wash for stefanie.. was rather surprised how much it cost.. rather costly compared to those simple facial wash i'm using.. guess, that's what girls pay for their beauty.. *shrugs* if it pleases them, then, why not?? haha.. well, it was something jess and i owe her for her bday present this year.. gonna get her a lil something special too.. request by jess.. meetin stef up soon i guess..

jenni, jenje
was msging jenje again today.. going out with her and jenni this saturday.. going to causeway point for orange julius.. buying her comics as her christmas presents.. =) she called to talk in the evening, around 6 plus while i was on the train.. she sounded so... kid.. really envy kids nowadays.. no worries at all.. just live each day as it comes and enjoying it..

managed to talk to jenni too.. and she's calling me 'vincy'.. like, erm... haha.. guess the last person to call me that was jess.. runs in the family i guess.. =)

missing her
its hard to lose someone you endear so suddenly.. so much gaps to fill, cracks to cover.. sigh.. realise this morning, that i am missing her so so badly.. so many, "if onlys" going thru my head.. if only, if only... now, i can only pray.. entrusting it to Him.. for only He knows what's the best for me..

holiday mood..

well, even though its tuesday, still having this holiday mood.. didn't really feel like teaching anything in camp today.. lucky it was a test day.. have to get over this holiday mood real soon.. don't wanna compromise the standard of teaching.. heheh.. sounds really professional huh? *bleah*

bra straps!
hey! i've got my own bra straps!! and its gonna stay with me for quite a while.. haha.. not THOSE bra straps.. but, 'bra straps'.. had a route march.. been a LONG while since we had one.. the back-pack was rather heavy.. plus all the accessories and yada yada.. when i took off my shirt after the march, saw that the bag straps actually 'imprinted' 2 thick, strap-looking marks on my shoulders.. look like bra straps! haha.. just that.. its.. erm.. 5-6 times thicker.. haha.. was telling my friends cause i've got heavier boobies.. that's why thicker straps! woops! M18! haha.. =)

dinner with bud, ling, hoon and PE!
had dinner at northpoint with the gang.. sad ber couldn't make it.. sigh.. hope she's alright.. are you ber? will be praying for you.. =) was really fun.. talking about everything under the sun.. about our problems.. and bla.. army and the future.. ambitions, and crap stuff.. was really fun.. felt so happy.. just hanging out is SO fun.. even when we're sitting around a table talking over coffee, tea and.. erm.. mango drink.. =) thanks guys! just that.. saw TWO other guys wearing the same sam. and keith shirt as i was.. BLACK also! argh..

well, i guess, i'll remember 'ginger-vitis' for a long while now.. haha.. ling actually believed its when the gums start to grow something that smells like, and looks like ginger.. hahah.. told her that it removes the fishy taste of fish too.. muahahha! thanks ling! you're just so.. innocent.. =) and thanks for listening to my problems too! hahah...

found a lil' sis!
okay.. i don't know why... jenja started calling me big brother.. since.. erm.. yesterday.. thought it was a one time thing... but, she's been calling me that in her sms since then.. hahah..

was asking her why.. and.. she sounded so like jess.. cause, 'you're nice, honest, willing to learn and help.. smart.. friendly.. down to earth, frank.. very focus.. and not to forget annoying, naggy and stubborn' i felt really big headed reading that.. fancy hearing that from a 12year old! haha.. and this msg, got me floating high up in the sky.. 'you are like a good friend.. a journal.. i can tell you anything.. i trust you a lot..' i guess.. its really a gift from God.. thank Lord.. =)

just that.. sometimes.. she asks questions like.. 'do you have a gf?','what is your ideal gf like?', and saying things like 'you'll have a very nice gf in the future..' well, she's still a kid.. guess i'll have to swallow these.. =) but, she sure is cute and a nice girl.. my new found 'lil sis'..

just got another sms from her! here we go again! haha...

thankiew

thanks guys..
thank you guys.. for being there for me.. to listen me complain.. to hug me and support me when i'm down.. really appreciate it.. i'll try and pick myself up from now.. just, thanks! *grins*

thank you God.. for blessing me with all these people.. mum, dad.. everyone.. thank you for being with me at the darkess of times.. thank you for everything you've done for me.. for accepting me as your child.. i've sinned so badly.. thank you for forgiving me.. thank you..

thank you mum, dad.. for everything thing that you've given me.. all the support, all the freedom, all the love that i possibly need.. i thank God, cause i've got the best mum and dad in the world.. nothing beats you guys.. even there were times we quarrel, you guys stood by me these months.. especially you mum.. i don't know how to say thanks.. so much you've went through for jess and i.. now, i guess you're hurting too.. i.. i.. i love you mum.. *hugs*

thank you bud.. for being there the very day everything turned for the worst.. for accompanying me to the wee hours of the night, spending your time.. trying to cheer me up with pool games and suppers even though u're tired.. touched.. the only few sensible, and sensitive brother that i have.. thanks for the support bud!

thank you hoon.. for being there to give me constant moral support.. talking logic into me, and spending time and msn to listen out to my problems.. giving my precious advices.. thank you very much.. for being there! thanks for the christmas card too.. its very blessed to know i've got a 'little sister' like you.. =)

thank you belinda.. for hugging me.. lending me your ear, absorbing all the sadness and complains i have, even when you've got problems of your own to handle.. its really a blessing to know that i've such a close girl friend like you.. no barriers, no restrictions.. thank you! God bless you and bernard..

thank you phuay eng.. for cheering me up whenever i'm down.. talking to me on the phone(when i'm about to tall asleep.. tsk tsk) always letting me know that there's always a silver lining, and a rainbow after the rains.. your positiveness rubs off me sometimes.. love ya!

thank you siewling.. for putting a hand over my shoulders.. hugging me when i was really down and depressed.. even though we've not been meeting frequently these few weeks.. you still showed how much you care.. giving me the courage to move on.. thank you.. and, i love the smell of your hair.. its really.. high~~ haha..

thank you tong jee.. for constantly companying me.. doing things together.. asking me out for theatre works, movies and stuff to keep my mind off things.. you've been a relevation.. i guess, u're the only one, who would really know the problems, cause you know God too.. thank you.. (thanks for the wallet! i transferred all e stuff from the old wallet le.. i LURVE this new one.. its darn cool! thanks!)

thank you zhiyong kor.. for reminding me that God loves me.. for helping me know more about Jesus.. its refreshing to have a cousin like you.. thank you for all the things you've done for me.. God bless you and your family.. thanks..

thank you Neo.. for making my time back in camp easier.. constantly companying me throughout stay-in nights.. the table soccers, gyms, discussion about current affairs and army stuff.. thanks for not being just an 'army friend', but someone who really cares.. =)

thank you markus.. for being who you are.. seeing you in camp makes me feel more positive.. okay, i'm straight, but you're really a funny guy who never fails to make one laugh.. brighten up gloomy days in camp..

thank you chuanheng.. for being the funny person of the group.. always letting us make fun of you.. its really fun to have you around.. seeing you and eileen gives me the confidence to move on.. thank you too eileen.. though we didn't talk much.. thanks for reminding me that its not the end.. thanks.. (remember not to dip the entire fan into water to wash it.. i was just kiddin.. =P)

thank you polyman.. for giving us the surprise.. perhaps, whatever you told me does make sense.. whatever you said, i will remember.. especially "ask yourself what do you want.. once you've decided on it, go for it.. so that you wouldn't regret it.." i'll remember that bro.. thanks..

thank you ruotian.. for accompanying me to early saturday basketball sessions.. whatever you've told me.. makes so much sense.. thank you for being my friend.. thank you for everything.. (i wanna see you in your shades..!)

and everyone else.. who've helped me out.. in one way or another through all this sh**.. pardon me, but.. thanks...!


i'm worried about jenje!
okay.. i'm now officially worried about jenjera.. have been msging her the entire day, since 2pm.. we're still chatting on sms now.. got to know that she went out of house alone to get some stuff.. in the afternoon.. as she went home and entered the lift, a guy in his twenties suddenly entered the lift.. she got scared.. he asked her where to find this certain apartment, and asked her if she could help him find his way.. being young, and relatively scared, she obliged.. she walked him round the block.. then she realised that there wasn't such a place, and told him that she had to leave.. the guy didn't stop her, but told her that he'll look for it himself..

the thing is that, throughout, the guys touched her shoulders and hair.. i was SHOCKED to hear it! and, worse is the guy knows where she lives and even know her name.. i'm so darn worried now.. her parents are always not at home.. she usually have to leave place alone, and she's only turning 13 next year.. told her to tell her sis and parents about it.. to carry her handphone where ever she goes.. call the police if she needs help.. or call her sis or me.. but, i'm worried if things really happen, it might be too late to do all these...

i'm cracking my head over this.. how should i help?? darn! can anyone help?? her block's really quiet and relatively deserted.. toa payoh north.. would pepper sprays work? where can we get them? sigh.. worrisome!! argh!!

happy/sad christmas..

woke up to a rainy christmas.. refreshing.. and i felt, new.. probably from the sufficient sleep.. the rest of the day, has yet again turned out to be a roller coaster..

king kong
watched king kong with eric(jc friend) and tong jee.. it was really long.. quite a nice movie... but just couldn't understand why k.k. was so obsessesed with the girl.. WHY??

service, phone call and blog-vjienscse
went to the church with tj.. her 1st time there.. really glad that i could bring her there.. to attend the service and celebrate christmas with us..

half way through the service.. jess called on my phone.. she's been calling on the phone a couple of times.. didn't realise it.. picked up on the 4th time i think..

i thought, my prayers.. were answered...

just few days back.. i was asking, contemplating the idea.. asking God.. "Lord Father.. what should i do? you know my pains.. everything that i have come from you.. i want to give everything back to you if could.. but now, i'm in pain.. Father, should i wait for her? i know i still love her deeply.. i know i want her back, no matter how long it takes.. Father, i want to wait.. but, is that what you want me to do? would you give me the strength, courage and heart to hang in there? help me Father.."

i prayed for weeks.. with that.. i prayed.. till saturday, when i was all alone at home.. i looked back at everything.. all the photos.. everything that we used to share.. thinking of the places we went.. thinking of the things we've done together.. how it was like just a month ago.. 1 year.. i had this sudden surge of confidence to wait.. i thought, He gave me this confidence..

and, it became stronger when, i picked up the phone.. to hear her.. calling from the states, 2am her time.. i was really touched.. i didn't wanted to put down the phone.. talked about christmas celebrations, talked about giving my mum hugs, talked about eric, talked about jenje and jenni.. so much we still share.. maybe not as lovers but still as friends.. i thought, that was God's answer to me.. i felt so happy.. but, it lasted only for 3hours..

service ended, tj and i headed towards northpoint and got curry puffs for the pot luck, christmas dinner at alv's.. i never felt so happy, for 1 month.. NEVER.. i felt, so happy.. so confident.. i thought, i had His support.. little did i know.. when i looked at our blog.. she wrote this..

"my heart..i jus dont know what to say..a whole year of plannin..believing in a dream..gone down the drain becasue of heated words..suppressed feelings..*sigh* even if we do come back together..it will never be e same..how true it is when they say..u'll nvr marry the one u love e most..cos usually as i would personally feel..u match each other tooo well, it's weird..i've always felt my 1st love was joseph..but now i know..e one i'll hurt for most..cry for most..is vincent..not jus for the one year of memories.."

"i feel horrible for the man who comes after vince..i've nothing much left to give..worthless i am.."

"the end of a tale
a fairytale love
memories still linger
skin tingles
hearts skip a beat
ghosts of one another
a slight habit
a lil word
triggers the tears
but it's the end
period."

all these.. just because of something i said.. why can't i have another chance? i thought.. when we 1st parted, it was for the better of the relationship.. to let us learn more about God.. to know each other more as brothers and sisters of christ..

jessica, if you read this.. i want to know.. what do you mean by 'its the end? period' does it mean.. there's no chance of reconcilation? not at all? that you don't think i am the one? just because of something i said?

no one knew me better apart from God.. except you.. i thought, you would know that i didn't mean what i said.. now, i'm gonna live the rest of my life regretting them.. i still love you.. i wanted to wait.. but, would you want me to? would you.. give me another chance?

unless, tell me.. tell me that i'm not the one.. tell me you don't have feelings for me anymore.. let me grief.. let me be dumb, be stupid.. let me depress again.. but, don't tell me these if you still love me, if you still cherish everything we shared, and if you still believe in fairy tales.. cause, you know.. you do.. you still believe in fairy tales.. remember, when we first met, when we decided that we want this?? even though we know things would be hard, even though we know we would be physically seperated? we were prepared.. we took the challenge.. we don't have to let this go down the drain.. if you just give us one more chance.. if it doesn't work out in the end, if God doesn't want us back, so be it.. but.. sigh..

home
i'm home now.. its been a happy, yet sad christmas.. i'm in a total mess now.. so much to say.. but so tired.. if i could, i want to sleep forever.. just.. sleep.. never to wake up to all these worries.. all these troubles.. just want to see Him.. be in His arms for all eternity.. where His love protects me like how a mum protects her child.. if i could, i want to stop affecting my friends and family with all my depression i stuff.. i don't want to feel the pain.. why.. just because of things i said.. why.. i know.. i just know i've lost someone i love so dearly.. with all my heart and soul.. just to what i said.. out of foolishness.. she's given a lion's share of her to me.. and she's got nothing to give.. then perhaps.. i've given everything.. i've got nothing left.. because.. i really, really really do love her.. so much.. that.. i know i can wait.. years.. and for her, i could bleed myself dry.. i saw myself marrying her.. i cannot see myself doing marrying another person now.. and i don't think i would in a very long time..

i've made mistakes.. we all do.. i know my chances are slim.. but, jessica, da.. one chance..

its christmas eve

don't know why.. this Christmas eve feels weird.. feeling so tired.. so troubled.. still brooding over it i guess.. sigh..

basketball, tv, magazines and my daily bread
spent the morning playing ball.. came home.. realised that i was all alone at home.. mum and eric at grandma's for Christmas celebrations.. didn't felt like going.. dad was at work.. spent the afternoon readin mags, and did my own Bible reading.. felt, relatively.. empty.. like, lost..? actually planned to go out with siewling.. then she was kinda lazy to leave her place, and i also felt that everywhere else would be really crowded.. so both stayed home.. she's been updating her new blog..! check it out.. http://a-gal-at-heart.blogspot.com/

looking forward to tomorrow
just realised that it took my 3secs to think, how to spell 'tomorrow'.. been using 'tmr' so such a looooooong time.. darn! haha.. well, would be meeting up with friends tmr.. really hope things would be different.. really pray that, i can have peace in me, and just have fun.. don't want to sour everyone's day..

mum hasn't got over it yet, i think
i've got this very strong feeling, that, mum hasn't really got over jessica yet.. i don't know why, but, she usually changes her handbags when she goes out to match her clothes.. but, for the past 2 weeks, she's been using the purple hand-made jess and i bought her for mother's day.. asked her why doesn't she change it.. she said: "xi huan ma.. xi huan jiu bu yao huan lo.." didn't ask any further..

dreams, memories
watched this really old movie earlier in the afternoon.. i think its called "never-ending story". its about this boy, bastian, from the real world got sucked into the "story-book" world to save the world from evil.. used to watch it when i was real young.. like, primary school?

the bad guy of the movie was the evil witch(she looked quite good though.. woops!), who cast a spell of "emptiness" on the story world, slowly destroying it.. and bastian was under the spell too.. each time he makes a wish, it comes true, but, at the expense of one piece of valuable memory.. at the end, making him an 'empty' person..

isn't it so true? that, we human are created so amazingly? unlike story book characters who don't have chronicles, we can have memories.. the ability to recall, and reflect upon what has passed.. though memories are what we consider history, yet, they are the very evidence of what we've experienced.. be it good, bad, sweet, sad, memories stay with us for a very long time.. when we think back, sometimes, we smile, sometimes we sigh; sometimes we feel happy, sometimes we regret..

but no matter what, if i could, i would want to remember everything, every second of my life.. how my family laugh together at some lame show; what crap stuff the 6ist talk about each time we meet; how it feels to hold someone tight, how it feels to kiss, how it feels to just share a silent minute with someone i love..

memories, i want to cherish and remember them..

the diary, the chocolate, the turtle necked shirt and the Hillsong CD
sent jess a parcel 2 weeks back.. wonder if she got it.. sigh.. wondering if she read the diary, or just chucked it somewhere.. it was a diary, which was named after her.. and started writing one week after she left.. accounting the daily happenings of my life.. stopped writing 3 weeks back.. wonder, what would she do to it.. *sighs*

are we still friends? i'm worried..

shopping and rover christmas celebration

23rd dec shopping with jenje and jenni
met jenjera and jennifer, 2pm at city hall.. went shopping at Bugis.. jenje was wearing this cute, purple hat, which i think her uncle bought for her.. both of them wore cross necklaces, so cool! jenje wanted to get christmas gifts for jess, jenni and her mum.. she bought a necklace (Christ cross) for jess, a harry potter sound track for jenni.. and also got a winnie the pooh mug for me!! thankie! got to know that both of them LOVE english comics.. promised them to burn 'prince of tennis' for them..

i bought a gift for jess too.. something, i think she would like.. i hope..

went up to somerset after that.. went to MOS burger.. jenni had sparkling grape juice and jenje tried the vanilla milk shake.. it was their 1st time at MOS.. they seemed really excited about it.. haa.. bought them a pack of fries to share, cause they said they weren't really very hungry.. it took them 3 packs of ketchup to finish one pack of fries.. SCARY! they're SO like jess.. sometimes i wonder if they're eating the fries or the ketchup.. had to stop them.. they were really eating too much.. alvin came and joined us there.. we were supposed to go shopping together.. ended up, 4 people together..

walked down to Heerens.. jenje bought a couple of keychains.. heard she's got a collection of them.. and got stuck at HMV for quite a while.. they were looking for CDs.. alv and i were like.. just browsing..

then, went to taka.. the crowd was so dense.. got worried that jenje might go missing.. passed her one of my phones.. told her to contact me if she lost her way.. luckily, it didn't come to that point of time.. jenni got a beany, blue cat soft toy for her mum.. so sweet! =) then, jenje was like asking, if this green bear from TY was nice for a guy.. i told her, 'not bad'.. she bought it.. and guess what? it was for alvin.. surprise of surprise! haha.. then, jenje and i shared to get this gift for jenni.. a 4.5kg wrist weights.. jenni wanted to train up her arms so she could do better in wushu.. she was so so happy when we gave it to her..

heard her saying that she wants to be the best in her wushu class.. determination! =) wants me to teach her TKD one day too.. haha..

peace in me
when i first saw jenni months back, i recall her as shy, quiet girl.. quite an introvert.. she was still rather, wary of me when we first met earlier in the day.. but, as time passed, she started to talk and opened up.. managed to share a few laughs with her.. i remembered jess told me that jenni's rather quiet, and seldom talk.. well, as we were on our way back, she was smiling and laughing.. that was when, i found this peace in me..

perhaps, God has given me this ability to communicate, and open the minds of younger ones.. able to talk to teenagers and kids, making them feel comfortable with me around, and also at the same time let them have a certain level of respect.. it is, indeed, a gift bestowed on me.. young ones like jenje, jenni, jasmine, carol, celest, eric, bryan, phyllis.. i realised that i didn't have problems talking to them, unlike some other adults, who would probably encounter difficulties handling them..

i was glad, that jenni could open up to me.. treating me as a friend, an older brother.. it gave me this peace, as though, it was my duty, to open her mind to me.. to make friends with her.. and at the same time to teach her certain things which she didn't know.. showing care, and concern to her..

i'm NOT trying to fill in anyone's shoes.. but, i just feel this closeness to them.. its unexplainable, but.. this feeling i have towards them is almost similar to those i have for eric.. i don't know why.. i don't know if i should continue being their 'bigger brother'.. jenje was even calling me 'daddy'.. would be praying about it.. nonetheless, i had peace in me, while i was with them.. it can't be a bad thing right?

christmas celebration
the rover christmas celebration was held at the HQ scouters' lounge.. 1st time there.. not very spacious, but comfortable enough for the activities.. met up with hoon and ling before going there.. when we got there, ber came..

weihong was dressed as santa.. he got cotton wool stuck all over his face, and newspaper suffed underneath his shirt.. he looked corny.. the evening started off with jokes telling.. i thought weihong's one was corny, and absolutely hilarious.. the one about the mermaid.. same goes for muthu.. the voodoo d***.. haha.. woops!

then, we had the really entertaining actionary.. a modification of pictionary.. really had fun and good laughs.. especially when weihong was trying to act out 'liverpool'.. he was pointing to his crotch when he was supposed to describe 'liver'.. ermz!!

the evening was spiced up with the funny ethics of muthu, weiyi and weekiat.. plus the active participation of everyone else, it was more fun than i initially expected.. *grins* and everything ended with gifts exchange, lo- cake eating, and also the video viewing of the Night Tour 2005.. got hoon's famous amos cookies as my exchange gift.. thanks hoon!! hehe..

oh, she gave me a ride back too.. thanks again!! =)

wondering how she is
i wonder how is she.. been quite a while since we've contacted.. steph told me that she's okay.. certainly hope that she's fine.. with her friends and family, with God's help, i pray that she's alright.. or perhaps, she's ALREADY gotten over everything.. and i'm the only stupid idiot still grieving.. sometimes just wonder if she feels weird at times too.. well, guess, i think i should try and stop worrying, and just pray for her.. 'just trust in God' she used to say.. just trust in God..

lessons learnt

after these 2,3 traumatic weeks.. i've learnt a couple of lessons, which i would remember for the rest of my life..

anger
when you are angry, no matter what, REFRAIN from conversing.. because, what ever that comes out of your mouth, might be really hurtful.. and you might just say things that you don't want to say.. things that you know that are not true.. you're just saying it at the midst of anger.. be it to a stranger, a friend, or someone you love very much.. cause, these things that you utter, might just be the very reason that creates a scar in that relationship..

i said things days back, which i never EVER wanted to say.. never in my life, those things ever crossed my mind.. yet, i wonder why, i said them, all in the midst of anger, and jealousy.. tiredness overcame me that very day, as there were duties i performed exhausted me.. and, ended, sentences which came out of my wretched mouth, were SO hurtful.. it costed me, a relationship.. a relationship so beautiful, a fairytale..

all began, when those words came out.. no matter how much i apologised, no matter how sincere i proclaimed my feelings, the scars remained.. the rift widened.. how i wish i could turn back time.. to take back those words..

thus, i've learnt, not to do or say anything, when angry.. cause what i might do or say, might really just be stupid yet unintentional.. and, i would live, to regret saying those words.. and regret it for a very long time with a crack, in my heart, conscience, and soul..

cherish what we have
whatever that we have now, is given to us by the Lord.. we didn't earn them, because, if He feels you're undeserving, you wouldn't have them.. but, we could always pray, that if He would, bestow us those which we want..

everything that we have now, are gifts bestowed to us through His love.. from our very earthly body, our 5 senses, our family, friends, shelter, food, water, clothes, the Holy Spirit in us, and even the ability to learn, to hope, to love, are gifts, we possess.. we ought to cherish them, learn how to appreciate them.. yet very commonly, it is only when, we lose possession of something, for example our sense of sight, sense of hearing, which we usually take for granted, then we realise how important it is.. and how much we actually need it..

being bankrupt, losing all our properties, having no house to live in, to me, is never as painful as losing someone you love SO dearly.. someone, who is always there for you.. someone like your mum, your dad, your closest friend.. your soul mate.. its never as startling, as knowing the fact that you've lost someone you love so deeply..

the emptiness which follows that lost love, that ache in the heart, that blankness in the mind, and many other traumatic experiences which i'm not able to express in words, is, diabolic, depressing, tormenting.. that emptiness which i felt over the weeks, made me feel like cutting my heart out.. felt like.. dying.. its like losing a limb, crippling me..

that ache, that bullish experience, remains forever inside.. especially when we, us, are the one, who didn't cherish those things in the 1st place.. its a shadow, that we've got to live under, for the rest of our lives.. its gonna be something that we would regret, perhaps, for the rest of our lives too..

ever since i lost her, i've always hoped that she would, see me, still, at least, as a friend.. or maybe, even a stranger who she has never met in her life before.. and not someone who she hates, or regretted knowing.. the memories that she has of us, are those of happiness, rather than disappointment or sadness.. and i certainly hope that i've not scarred her in anyway.. because, i know i didn't cherish her well enough.. i didn't tell her i love her as many times as i could.. i didn't give her those which she derserves.. i took things for granted, and was an absolute idiot.. the last thing i would want now, out of this sweet memory that i still hold on to, is a lost friend, or worse, an enemy.. *sigh*

it is now time, to take a look around.. whatever, whoever, which, who, are around us, are GIFTS and PRESENTS from God.. it is now time, to say a big THANK YOU, and learn to appreciate them.. it is now time, to go up to your mum, dad, friends, everyone, and give them a BIG hug, and say, 'i love you'.. it is now time, to put away, all grudges, all debts, all angry feelings that we have towards those we KNOW we love.. and embrace them with our care, our love..

it is the Christmas season.. and Christmas is the day, when Jesus was born.. the day when God, who's undying love surpasses ALL other love, sent us our Saviour..

take this opportunity, to love, to hope, and to renew our faith.. love all those who ought to be loved.. and hate not, those who you don't love.. because love, is what makes the world go round.. cherish those we love, as our time on earth is short.. and perhaps, it might be too late sometimes, to say 'i love you', to the one you truly love..

God bless all, merry Christmas.

work work work...

woke up real early today.. urgh.. darn sleepy.. had slog to camp again.. =p didn't go back camp last night.. was too tired.. hehe.. slept at home.. *evil grins!*

1st section lesson
well, had the 1st section practice today.. 15men in my section.. a good bunch of lads, relatively responsive during lessons.. hope they remain this way throughout the course.. which, on the other hand, i think is quite impossible.. they bound to slack.. somehow.. haha...

thought i did quite a good job teaching them the lesson.. 'airway management'.. =) was quite satisfied with everything at the end of the lesson.. managed to get the audiences attention, had a few laughs, and, most importantly, got the message across.. thank God for giving me this ability, to be able to talk freely and confidently in front of so many people.. perhaps, it IS my calling to teach.. will pray about it.. *winks*

trying to get her out of my mind
yea.. its been almost 3 weeks.. still, kinda hard to forget.. really wondering how she is handling everything.. but, guess, i won't be knowing that ever.. nonetheless, hope she's doing okay.. guess, she would be fine.. with her friends and family and all.. and in a total different place.. well, ya... not to mention she's always been a strong-willed girl and always so confident.. *sighs*

love me
was sitting on my bunk bed earlier in the morning.. started playing with the guitar.. tried playing 'guang huai fang shi' and sing along with it.. realised that my singing suck to the core.. well, it always has been.. haha.. eeeeeeeeee-yer..

don't know why.. started playing 'love-me'.. and when i came to the chorus, had this sudden sour feeling at the back of my nose and throat..

if you get there before i do,
don't give up on me.
i'll meet you when my chores are through,
i don't know how long i'll be.
but i'm not gonna let you down,
darling wait and see.
cause between now and then, till i see you again,
i'll be loving you,
love me...

its, our song.. stopped playing after that.. told myself.. that i shouldn't be playing this.. not anytime soon.. maybe to even 'retire' this song..

tuition
went to give jasmine tuition.. she's so totally adorable.. quite smart for a primary 3 kid.. well, it feels kinda weird for her to call me 'mr poh'.. haha.. she used to call me 'vincent kor kor' before i started teaching her.. wonder who told her to call me 'mr poh'.. weird! haha..

the Lord's prayer (Matthew 6:9)
Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come,
your will be done, on earth, as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

beginning of new CMC

well, its the start of the new cbt medic crs.. started on the 19th of december.. dragged my feet back to camp in the morning.. its gonna be a vicious cycle of late nights, rushing schedules, and not to forget a vicious bunch of trainess to handle..

unexpected 'weight-loss programme'
well, after the gruelling 2 weeks of unintended puking and loss of sleep, i got the shock of my life when i stood on the weighing balance on monday morning! goodness, i loss 6kg in 2 weeks! and probably 1inch off my waist! well, probably its a blessing in disguise.. always wanted to lose some weight.. guess, i managed that.. through this... erm.. undesirable manner.. =)

the friendship bend snapped
if i've not mistaken.. jess made me this friendship bend.. 1 month into our relationship.. it was made of orange, blue, white, and lime green.. really unique, the way it was made.. with little twirls around the bend.. amazing.. i tied it around my left ankle since then, and has never came off.. til this morning.. while trying to put on my green army socks, the bend snapped.. upon examination, it seems that its cause by the frequent friction against my skin..

is it an indication to me, that, its time to really move on? and, give up this hope? i don't know.. and i don't want to think about it.. guess, i'll just take each day at a time.. entrusting it to God.. for He will give the best, to who ever believes in Him.. i'll try and not to think about it.. i AM trying..

familiar faces, same old place, yet, a total different feeling
when i stepped back into bunk, i looked around.. nothing much has changed.. the cross-stitch i did for jess's still on the wooden cabinet.. the shoes are still placed where it used to be.. my bed-sheets, crumpled as ever.. my bunk mates, markus, neo, bernard, all seem the same.. still as crappy and lame as ever.. perhaps only the stains of my tears have gone, while the rest remains unchanged.. 'nothing much has changed', i told myself, 'its just gonna be another day at work. let's get it over and done with.'

NO. i was wrong. when i opened my metal cabinet, i got sucked right back into history again. photos of us, stuck onto my mirror.. letters she wrote for our anniversaries were still pasted on the back side of the cabinet door.. and the little photo album , which i promised to carry everywhere i go, was staring at me, at the top shelf of my cupboard.. memories started filling up my thought.. startled, i started praying.. praying that i don't get back into depression.. praying that, the Lord would give me strength to move on, and perform my daily duties to my best abilities..

i've placed the photos and the album into the drawer.. as for the letters, guess i'll place them there to remind of her from time to time.. guess, to remind me, how wonderful that 1 year was.. and, to urge me to move on..

uncontrollable gazes at my handphones
i've got no idea why.. throughout these 2 days, i kept taking my phones out my pocket to look at them.. to check if there were messages.. usually, during the morning and afternoon, she would msg, and we would chat about everything.. from her work, to my work.. everything.. just spending time together while she does her homeowork and i got my stuff done.. now, i don't think there would be such msgs coming in.. yet, i still couldn't help, just taking them out to check.. having this faith and hope, that she would msg.. that i would see 0900**** in my inbox.. guess, not..

getting more vocal in front of the platoon
well, this's apparently my 4th batch of trainees.. having trained around a few hundred trainees before this, the experience and knowledge i've gained has encouraged me to be more vocal in front of the trainees.. realised that i talked a lot, said tonnes of lame jokes.. keeping their spirits high.. perhaps, its also the idea of wanting to move on, makes me more enthusiastic in my work..

jessica called
yeaps. she called this morning.. while we were having a break at the mess.. we talked, asking how were each other.. was really surprised when she called.. or rather, shocked.. i totally didn't expect her to call.. well, she's doing great.. her finals were fantastic! history 99.8%, econs 94+% and math 70+%.. really happy for her.. felt kinda.. weird talking to her too.. our conversations usually would be filled with 'i love you' s and 'i miss you' s.. now, just a friend-friend talk.. she sounded really calm and.. peaceful.. wondering how is she really handling this.. seperation.. does she feel as painful too? or perhaps more? wish i could take some pain off her.. guess, all i can do now, is to pray.. that God would help her over this tough period of time.. i know He will.. He loves us all.. and He's been blessing her cause she loves Him so much too.. guess, i don't have to worry THAT much..

oh, her net is down again.. so for those who are waiting for her emails and msns, please be patient.. her net has got some problems, so she's unable to log on.. =)

jenjera called
haa.. jenjera, jessica's sister called.. asked if i could help her this friday.. accompany her get her sec sch textbooks.. well, why not? haha.. so, gonna take half day off from camp.. bring her to her school.. she's praying that she won't get to north vista school, cause its really out of the way.. =) would be praying for her too.. would be bringing her christmas shopping after that too.. with all the books and stuff.. urgh.. owell! for the fun of it! =) gonna get gifts for family and friends too!

jerry's birthday!
well, realised that we didn't sing a birthday song for him!! haha.. happy birthday to you! happy birthday to you! happy birthday to Jerry! happy birthday to you!! God bless...!

went for dinner with jerry, bud, siewling and belinda.. had some real fun.. especially when we were talking at macs.. all those funny jokes jerry was saying.. like... LAME!! but, seriously funny..

can't really remember all of them.. but, some are really.. "unpostable".. hehe.. only this one.. i can remember.. might be okay.. it goes: why is superman's shirt so tight fit? because its size S! yeah.. i know.. lame.. but, owell.. we had a real good laugh.. especially siewling.. =) she was kinda slow at certain jokes, yet, sometimes her laughter could be quite.. contagious.. to me at least.. =p thanks Jerry..! wish you all the best in your army days! no worries, they'll give you bday off for your next 2 bdays.. and you spend them well with your beloooooved gf.. =) God bless!

blur vision.. tired..
well, another day at work tmr.. looking forward to the weekend.. christmas! sigh.. wonder how it would be this year.. thought we would still be "kissin under the mistletoes".. guess, have to save my kisses for now.. =)

2 weeks

the past 2 weeks, have been a total roller-coaster ride. emotionally, physically, mentally. well, got into a really heated argument with jess, which sparked the seperation. got really depressed about it.

and, know, it happened the following day i accepted Christ. i was so happy on day, the next day, pit bottom.

i accepted Christ on the 3rd of Dec. the news, came on the 4th. and, ever since then, thought i felt loved, and blessed the Lord, my emotions were hysterical. my body started chalking up funny signs and symptoms. so much happened in the 2 weeks. sighs.

depression
well, 1stly i got into depression. as days passed by, i started to realise that i'm REALLY losing someone that i really really love so much. it took some time to sink in. slowly, i couldn't eat. i found food, rather tasteless. food that used to be mouth watering, was.. yuk!

then, slowly, i got insomia. couldn't sleep in the night even though my body was really tired. it could be as bad as, trying to sleep at 10pm, fall asleep at 2am, and wake at 5am. it happened everyday. totally energy sapping.

soon, i turned bulimic. no joke. it felt terrible! for, 3-5 days, i didn't know why. i vomitted everything i ate. got the shock of my life! "what's happening to me?" i asked. started replenishing my energy with drinks like soya, milo. stuff like that.

scary thoughts started emerging in my head. thoughts that i shouldn't have even contemplated. thoughts, that would most certainly infuriate God. thoughts, that would definitely, let my parents and friends down.

isolation
i started to isolate myself. especially when i was at home. i didn't want to talk to anyone. didn't feel like, communicating. i started folding stars, doing a cross stitch (which i finished! its my 1st cross stitch!) for her. i had so much hope. i was, totally living in a world of my own. a world of "what ifs?"

praying
i remembered, that she told me that prayers are the most powerful 'weapons', cause, if you sincerely pray to the Lord, it certainly pleases Him. and He would answer your prayers. amazingly, i did pray to God, just this Novemeber, that if we were to go our seperate ways, please let her be the one who initiates it. because, its less painful on her side. i rather shoulder the pain, than to see her cry. IT HAPPENED! and, now, i'm still reeling from the pain of seperation.

low-esteem
as days went by, i started missing those sms she used to send. started looking at our photos, reading her letters over and over again. i felt so in love with her. yet, at the same time, i felt so lousy. i felt so useless. not able to do anything to savage the situation. it was the lowest pinnacle of my life. i thought i was a good, romantic boyfriend. making gifts, buying things, doing romantic stuffs like lining up light sticks that says 'i love you' at her block, flowers, poems, writing down in a diary, my daily accounts, since she's left, etc. i thought i did well. apparently not. i felt, so, low in confidence. now, i'm quite sure of myself. i've lost the confidence. now, i only want to lean on my friends, my family, God.

blessing
nonetheless, i prayed to God. to give me strength to get over this tough period of time. i wanted to find out the truth, that if she wanted me to wait. i couldn't get a definite answer. she's leaving everything to God too. i guess, its up to Him then. *smiles*

being the loving, living God, He understood my pains, and most definitely answered my prayers. i came to realise, that my family and friends were always there for me. people like, alvin, siokhoon, PE, siewling, belinda, raymond, tongjee, michael, my camp friends, rovers, my beloved mentor Zhiyong, and many many people.

they were all there for me when i needed them most. asking me out for stay-overs, movies, plays, parties, hangouts, dinners, suppers.. thanks guys. really appreciate it. especially Bud. you've been encouraging. the fact that, you've been through something like that, and looking so OKAY now, gives me the strength and motivation to move on.

and, not to forget my beloved family. remembering 2 days back, friday. i was talking to jess, and was then it sunk into me that, this seperation, was REAL. i was shell shocked. as i walked pass my living room, dad, mum and eric were watching some comedy. i went beside them, and said, "jessica and i are seperated now...." all of them were stunned. tears suddenly rolled down mum's cheeks. dad's face was emotionless, as he stared on the TV. eric didn't say a thing. i was so shocked. i expected them to say something like, "don't take it too hard son, it'll all be over. take this as a lesson learnt." NO! they didn't say a thing! i was.. stunned! i guess, they loved her too, and didn't see it coming. they were even saving up money to get air tickets for her. especially mum. she treated her like her OWN daughter. mum always wanted a daughter. hah. guess, they would be missing her.

but, they've been really encouraging after that too. dad has been trying to start conversations with me recently. asking me how was everything, if i needed money to get new clothes and bla. he even brought the entire family to shop for clothes. which's something that hasn't happened for years! and mum, hasn't been nagging at me even though i've been returning home late. guess, she knows i need time for myself. and eric, hasn't been bothering me with his weird enthics.

moving on
though, every corner i turn in Singapore, i sense her presence. everyway i go, i've been with her. my bed is filled with her soft toys. my table, all her photos. i guess, i've got to get used to it. its not easy, when i'm back here in on this island, where she is right over there. visiting the places that we used to go, brings back memories. even taking a bus shuttle triggers so much memories. her enchanting beauty. her voice. her bubbling personality. its so hard to swallow. but, i'm praying that, with His wisdom, God will help me through this.

thank you my friends, for being there, once again. thank you mum, dad, for being so understanding, and praise you Lord, for giving me strength to move on.

i'm hoping to start a new, finding faith in Him, and recovering my lost confidence. mum said i haven't smiled in a long while. i'll be looking for that smile. this, marks, my new beginning, my Genesis. a new life.

please stop asking.

yes people. for those who know about jessica and i. please stop asking me how is jessica, whether if she's coming back, how're you 2 handling everything.

all i can say, is that she just finished her exams, gonna enjoy Christmas. whether if she's coming back, i have got no idea. how are the 2 of us? well, we've seperated. yes. we have. so please stop rubbing salt into my wound.

alright. you might ask why. all was well, why suddenly? right?

to cut things short, i've been totally insensitive, rash, idiotic, and a absolute arse. i was a total BAS****, and, worse of all, i caused her to back slide with God. what's the worse that can happen? so, therefore, she suggested a seperation.

Jessica

Promise, Jessica

Promises that we made..
So beautiful..
Now, they can't be realised..
because, it was a mistake from the start..
life was wonderful, with you..
now that we, we are not meant to be..
i wish you, all the best..
in your journey with God, and your studies..
its painful to say good-bye for now, yet, its the only way to move on..
all these promises, lovely, yet, unfulfilled..
for they, will remain at the back of my head..
and you're the closest to heaven, that i've ever been..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Promises.

that we'll stick together through thick and thin
9th march, we'll marry, no matter what
and never to take off the our ring, with our names engraved
always to keep each other in check: religion, faith, promisesto compromise our differences, and celebrate our similarities
be each other's best friend, soul mate
from now till we meet again,we'll keep in contact with emails, sms, our blogvjienscse
i'll keep u company when u do your homework,u'll keep me company when i handle IV lessons
next june, i'ld go over next year, with Alvin
to see uncle and auntie, their beautiful house
you would bring me around, and intro me to people
high school, ICF, family, friends
i would drive you to school, fetch you back home
in uncle's truck, on the right side of the road
you'll guide me along, all the way home
just like a married couple
you would show me the blooming flowers, the beautiful state
and we'll go on a holiday, at Disneyland
i've been saving up for our ticket
now, the money is useless
then you'll come back here, with the air ticket my parents bought
to visit the places, the people, the food
LOR 5, bishan park, esplanade, or even the the little hill opposite RI
the hill which went down on my knees, with Da vinci's code
steph, qi, elsa, jenni, jenje, eric
and even mum asked when would u be back for fried rice,with the onion omellete you've always loved, with the thai chilli sauce
i would visit every year if i could
and you would come back, if your dad allow
we'll keep in contact with the webcams i bought, the headphones you got
and our baby(blog), plus emails, and sms while we're apart
i would save up for our marriage, and also, save up to pay back your loans
whilst u're in college and i'm in university,we'll study together through the internet
on the headphones and webcam, we'll critisize and discuss about our foreign lecturers
talk about the cute guys and nasty girls in our class
but saying 'but i only want you' at the end of it
we would wait for each other,till we complete our education
get registered at ROM, when i'm 26, you, 23
attend Christian lessons for marrying couples the following year, to learn to be man and wife
get married when i'm 27, you, 24

Patience, the wedding planner
alvin, our best man
steph, our bridesmaid
pastor raymond, our solemniser
parents, friends, our witnesses
at tpmc,say I do, in front of our family and friends, in front of God
i kiss your lips, and slide the ring, onto your finger
carrying you on my arms, down the isle, everyone cheering, applauding
there would be a tea reception, where everyone mingle
and celebrate, our union, at the church of God
where i would also play canon in D, to serenade you
then we drive off in a rented beetle car, or jeep,
that says 'just married' at the tail, and tin cans dragging along

our little, traditional, chinese, low profile dinner
at siloso beach
everyone sitted on white chairs, tables
romantic music of the violin, the bass, the guitar
have our honeymoon,australia, california, thailand, malaysia

australia: sun, sand, sea

california: uncle, auntie, friends; plus a little celebration, at the garden;
saying 'i do', the 2nd time, at the prayer garden, blooming with flowers

thailand, malaysia: to spread our love, to the rest of the family

make love that very night, when we're man and wife
make love at the beach like you always wanted
'its sooooo romantic, don't you think so?' you would say
'aren't you afraid of the sand? like.. ouch?' i reply

to have our own apartment, away from our parents, probably at TPY
'its super conventient ah', you say, i nodded my head, so long as i'm with you
well, i prefered a 4 room, you didn't mind a 3 room

in this little love nest, we have,
our canopy bed, soft sofa couch, with extensions for the legs
to have an electrical hot plate, instead of gas stove
our shelf of books, novels, bibles
we'll paint it the colour we want
perhaps a bath tub if we could afford
nice long curtains (i'll wash them, don't worry)
and candles everywhere

the bowls and mugs we got, the spoons and fork
to use them during all our meals together;
the teddy bears and soft-toy hearts, especially the 2 piece heart
to be placed at our beds, reminding us of our dating years

1 master room1 prayer room, which would double as a guest room;
for your sisters, for my brother1 work room ,
where we would mark our daily paper together:
you, lengths and lengths of history essays; me, MCQs of chemistry papers
i'll massage your shoulder once i'm done, or maybe help you with the marking

i'll drive you to your school every morning
pick you up for lunch, less there are staff meetings
pick you up again, for dinner, at the end of the day,in our little jeep, that we always wanted
friday nights are indulgence nights, where we would wine and dine, dance and kiss
saturdays, are home improvement times, where we shop for groceries,
and pack up the place
we're both untidy people, who would clean up everything at one go, remember?
sunday mornings are for church
afternoons for our parents
nights, for ourselves
shop for groceries, shop for clothe
i choose your underwear, you buy my boxers
hand in hand down NTUC, and carrefour
suntec, and junction 8
soon, to have 2 kids:the elder one, boy.
no names for him yet, but definitely no joseph, yongcai, jonathan.
the younger one, girl. Ophelia.
our boy could take care of his younger sis, holding her hand while walking down the park,
as their mummy and daddy walk behind them
to raise them the Christian way;cause we felt it was the only right way
where the kids would grow to be true child of God,
a lady and gentleman, blessed by Him
we'll work hard, to provide the best for them
see them grow old, shower them with all the love they deserve
our boy, our girl
1st month, 6 months, 1 years old, 6 years old
PSLE, O-levels, tertiary education;
BGR, internet porn, national service, and other juvenile challenges they face
we'll help them together
teach them the right thing to do

they grow old, meet their own partner
start their own Christian family
God is pleased
they have kids, and the kids have their own kids

we retire, at somewhere peaceful
you, me, and God
where, our children would come to visit once in a while
bringing along our grand children
we would talk, and laugh, and listen to their problems
i would still look into your eyes, even when we're both old and haggard
interlocking my fingers with yours, saying 'i love you'
i would still kiss you lips, even we're both old and haggard
and our grandkid would go 'eeeeeeeeeee, pa, ma! gong gong and ah ma kiss kiss!'
i would still pluck on my guitar, singing 'love me'and reminding you that,

'if you get their before i do, don't give up on me.
i'll meet you when my chores are through, i don't know how long i'll be
but i'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see
cause between now and then, til i see you again, i'll be lovin you, love me'

till the very day, i cease to breathe, my heart stops pumping,you would always be my air; and my heart, would pump for you..

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if only, all these would come true, with God's blessingsa fairy tale, a happy story
but, like you said, everything's in God's hands,
its not up to us to decide..

i don't know
how i wish i could still think of all these, before i sleep
i would always sleep smiling silly, like how you used to
now, i sleep tearing, crying, in pain
its so hard, to let all these dreams go


i wish, all these would come true.. my greatest dreams yet
now, vanish
i missed the chance
i flared up when i shouldn't have
i can't say 'i love you' anymore

yes i need to let you go, cause you couldn't stay
i wish, i could turn back time
to spend more time with you, to love you more
to pamper you, to be just with you
i don't want to give you up
you've been the best, to me
i don't think, i could ever meet someone so beautiful as you
if one day, we would meet again, it would definitely be God's blessings
and if one day, these promises would be honoured, it would be a miracle

you, being you,
have raised my standards so high
your heart of gold, character, personality, body, you,the best
you taught me how to love a person so deep
you taught me to believe in fairy tales
now i'm hollow with an empty space, no other human can fill, only God can

bless whoever finds you, or whoever you find,for you're the most beautiful i've seen,
second to God..
til then, i'll pray for you, for your well being, and your growth
your journey with God, your life
i've never fell so deeply in love before
you made me experienced what is human love, true, human love
though not as great as God's love for us,
it was truly, beautiful
this wound, will take time to heal
God will help us, so long as we put our faith in Him
may He bless you, take care

in His love,
goodbye my lover, now we're friends..

i still love you.. i really do.. VJIENSCSE

Genesis

main entry: Genesis
part of speech: noun
definition: beginning
synonyms: alpha, birth, commencement, creation, dawn, dawning, engendering, formation, generation, inception, opening, origin, outset, propagation, provenance, provenience, root, source, start.


December, marks the end of the year. The up-coming, of a new year, year 2006. New challenges, new life. Pack up all the troubles and memories of last year, and move on. This, is my Genesis. Year 2005, has been an emotional rollar-coaster ride. From daily army issues, to being in love, losing that love, accepting Christ. So much has happened. Wish to step into 2006, starting afresh, with Jesus in me. =)